Ellen DeGeneres is great at everything ... even slamming tabloid gossip.

The talk show host opened today's show with a monologue aimed at a certain magazine saying Ellen and Portia de Rossi's marriage had "crumbled."

But, being the hilarious comedian she is, DeGeneres skewered her critics and had us laughing at the same time.

"There’s not one ounce of truth to any of it. I’m very happily married. In fact, the only thing we ever argue about is who loves who more," she joked. "That is all. It really is true. And we argue if we’d let a kangaroo carry us around in its pouch for a year. I would. She wouldn’t. She’ll change her mind. Who wouldn’t want to be in the pouch of a kangaroo for a year?"

"I know they have to fill a magazine every issues, every week but I don’t know how they can print lies like that," she continued. "And it’s tricky because they quote 'a reliable source' or a 'good friend' ... if they want to make it more believable they should at least say 'Portia and Ellen’s marriage crumbles,' according to a terrible, terrible friend.

Check out her full monologue above. It's pretty great.

And anyone looking for more proof that they're still together and happy, look no further than their AMAZING Christmas card this year.

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