We can't quite bring ourselves to pardon these awful turkeys, but we can look forward to a new year without them.
Usually on Thanksgiving, it’s about giving thanks for all of the blessings and bounties we’ve enjoyed in the previous years. We come together with family and friends and we are grateful for their love and support in our lives.
And we consume lots of turkey. Probably too much turkey.
But this year, TooFab would like to give thanks that some of these turkeys are behind us. From television to movies, it seems like 2017 has given us more turkeys than we’ve seen in a long time. And we’re not talking about the ones we anticipate, like the next film in the Oscar-worthy ongoing drama of military strife and struggle that is “The Transformers” saga.
Some of these actually looked pretty good when we saw them simmering in their trailers and previews. But then they hit our plates, we sampled them and found them completely unpalatable.
If you’re looking for something to nap in front of on Turkey Day other than football, consider this our recommendation of 17 television and movie turkeys -- plus a bonus one that failed as both -- to avoid at all costs.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
We get it, Charlie Hunnam is gorgeous, but a pretty man does not mean any movie he stars in will be pretty too. To call responses to the trailers lukewarm at best is generous. The film was all flash and substance, turning a classic tale into a modern hack-and-slash action flick. Critics actually warned potential moviegoers to stay away, and they mostly did, leaving this King looking more like a court jester.
The only disaster bigger than the one in this film is the film itself. A 2017 movie about a massive storm should have effects more chilling and exciting than "Twister" -- a disaster flick that came out 21 years ago -- but that wasn’t the only problem. No plot and no characters for us to care about just left us wondering if they forgot to add the sharks in this “Sharknado” sequel.
Ghost in the Shell
Whitewashing controversies were only the start of the problems for this lackluster Scarlett Johansson-led adaptation of one of the most groundbreaking and riveting Japanese properties of all time. While visually stunning, they forgot to put in the story or much plot at all. Take a rich, fully realized world and forget to put any of it in your film, and you’re left with a beautiful pile of crap.
The adaptation of a 1970s television series no one wanted, but got anyway. We blame "21 Jump Street." When this was announced, everyone yawned. By the time trailers came out, people still didn’t care, and when it hit theaters no one went. That it made it all the way to the screen with nothing going for it is a testament to how much Hollywood believes in remakes. In the future, though, stick with properties people who go to the movies can remember.
Universal wants a Marvel franchise so bad and they just can’t seem to get it right. They misfired again with Tom Cruise -- remember when he was a movie star? -- though it did well overseas. The problem is they spent more time trying to set up their Dark Universe than they did giving viewers a coherent movie experience. It was less written than cobbled together from horror movie tropes.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
From a cumbersome name that means nothing to US audiences to bright “Fifth Element” colors, this film entered theaters and still no one had any idea what it was about. The French property did well there, but was a disaster everywhere else. Another case where there was more effort put into stunning visuals and not enough attention paid to plot or character … of which we had neither.
The Dark Tower
Stephen King fans are so angry about this one. Years in development, beautifully cast with Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey and based on a sprawling sci-fi/horror/western epic, this should have left audiences reeling and excited about the next chapter. Instead, it followed every single Hollywood action film cliche, neutered the complexity of all of the characters, and didn’t even have the courage to challenge its viewers intelligence or patience.
Everyone loves The Rock, but even his beloved cheesiness couldn’t breathe life into this lifeless adaptation. It looked and felt like a movie made by people who’d never actually watched the original. They just knew it was known for it’s “jiggle factor” and people running in slo-mo. “Baywatch” was a corny show, but it had heart and charm and earnestness. The movie lacked all of those things, and managed to made a dumb show into a really stupid movie.
What better way to transition into the television turkeys of 2017 than with the only property that had the dubious honor of being an absolute disaster on both the big screen and the small screen. IMAX regrets premiering "Inhumans" on its screens, and ABC probably regrets airing the rest of it. The worst Marvel adaptation of the modern era, "Inhumans" was saddled with awful special effects, a muddled sense of justice and a cast … well, let’s just say the dog is the best thing about it.
If anyone doubted that we still don’t care about Katherine Heigl, it was proven yet again when CBS yanked this legal drama after just two episodes. The show itself wasn’t all that problematic, sitting blandly alongside most of CBS’ procedurals, but it looks like viewers still aren’t ready to deal with Heigl on a weekly basis after the way she bailed on "Grey’s Anatomy."
Fox is determined to make this "24" thing into a "CSI"-type franchise or something, and yet it just doesn't work. The biggest disconnect they’re realizing is that "24" was a drama for a very specific post-9/11 era and Jack Bauer types actually make us pretty uncomfortable these days. In other words, you need to do something fresh with the real-time concept and not just drop Corey Hawkins in the Kiefer Sutherland role and try to do the exact same thing.
"The Wizard of Oz" is a wholesome, classic film based on wholesome, classic children’s books. But what if Oz was awful? Adding sex and drugs and adult elements a la "Game of Thrones" -- but still on a broadcast network -- left viewers with a confusing mess that frustrated them and turned them away in droves. If it ain’t broke, people! There’s a reason people still watch the original movie after 78 years.
Marvel’s Iron Fist
Flying high off of "Daredevil," "Jessica Jones" and "Luke Cage," Netflix came crashing down to earth with this disastrous adaptation of the Marvel kung-fu character. While "DD" had amazing fight scenes, "Iron Fist" looked like it was both choreographed and performed by a novice class of eight-year-olds at your local dojo. Finn Jones looked as confused in the show as we were watching it. At 13 episodes, it was 13 episodes too long.
Britt Richardson is a talented young actress still looking for that breakout hit to make her a bona fide star, but this Netflix mess certainly wasn’t it. Young and feminist in approach, the creators completely forgot to give their young lead any redeeming or positive qualities, and it’s hard to root for and support a character who’s basically "asshole-ing" her way to to the top -- even if that is accurately how so many people get ahead in life.
Set in the world of "Californication," this Jay Pharoah series is in large ways the exact same show minus David Duchovny’s charisma and charm in the lead. It does feature Jamie Foxx as some tripped out version of himself, and that’s almost worth sitting through the rest of it to see. But for a show with the compelling premise of looking at what it’s like to be a black performer emerging into fame in white Hollywood, it missed the mark completely and has the anemic ratings to prove it.
Friends from College
Netflix was hoping people would stop paying attention after that first word, but this turd decided to try and mix "Friends" with "Seinfeld." What if there were like six friends who had history and hung out but they were all awful people? The key to "Seinfeld" was that they were still likable. This is a great cast that manages to be unwatchable separately or together on-screen: a double threat!
In a season of military black ops dramas, one drama emerged as the most manipulative, the least authentic, the most treacly, the absolute worst. Congratulations to The CW for applying their "pretty young people" formula to a gritty military drama and sucking all of the grit out of it. If you want your teen soaps with lots of tanks and helicopters, this may be for you, but hurry because it’s probably not gonna last much longer.
The Blacklist: Redemption
James Spader is why "The Blacklist" works. The show itself is kind of derivative and uninventive, but he oozes so much delicious, black charm as Red Reddington, you can’t help but tune in. You know what didn’t work? Ryan Eggold’s awful Tom Keen character. So of course they gave him a spin-off. He was boring as a double-agent, even worse as a lead and now that his show is cancelled he’s going back to the parent series to make it just a little bit worse.