Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah and Jimmy Kimmel rail on Trump's alleged bedroom habits and his love of fast food.
The book that Donald Trump really doesn't want anyone to read was all everyone on late-night TV talked about on Thursday.
The hosts of "Jimmy Kimmel Live," "The Daily Show" and "The Late Show" all kicked off their monologues by digging into the juicy allegations from Michael Wolff's tell-all, "Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House."
The jokes rolled in fast and furious, after its publisher bumped up the release date to Friday following a legal threat from the president's attorney.
Here's how late-night dug in.
'The Late Show with Stephen Colbert'
Stephen Colbert kicked off the show by comparing the fallout from the book to Winter Storm Grayson.
"Grayson has moved father off the East Coast than meteorologists expected, possibly because it didn't want to compete with the shit storm in Washington DC," he joked.
Colbert expressed shock that he also found himself agreeing with Steve Bannon, who allegedly said Donald Trump Jr.'s 2016 meeting with a Russian lawyer "treasonous," before moving on to a more scandalous subject.
"It turns out that the president and the first lady have separate bedrooms, the first first couple to do so since John and Jackie Kennedy," he explained. "Meaning Donald Trump has had just as much sex as JFK has had ... in the past year."
"But, if you're concerned that the president might have a mistress, don't worry," he continued. "Apparently every night if Trump was not having his 6:30 dinner with Steve Bannon, he was in bed by that time with a cheeseburger. I'm gonna hope, eating it."
'The Daily Show with Trevor Noah'
Trevor Noah said the insanity out of Washington sounded like "The Real Housewives of Pennsylvania Avenue."
"Wow. Trump's own people think he's dumb as a watermelon. I guess the country is not as divided as it seems," he said, addressing allegations the president is only semi-literate. "Now look, if we're being honest, everyone already knew that Trump isn't the fastest fidget spinner out there. What has been fun, is discovering little details that help us understand President Trump a little bit more."
One of his favorite details? Trump eats McDonald's so much to avoid being poisoned.
He also joked about the president allegedly being in bed by 6:30, surrounded by his favorite fast food.
"He's in bed by 6:30? It makes sense in a way, you have to get your 11 hours in before your 5am rage tweets, but still!" he exclaimed.
In the end, Noah said Trump brought this book on himself.
"Look, as entertaining as it is, I don't know how much of this book is accurate and how much is exaggerated, but in a way that's what makes it a perfect scandal for this White House: bizarre, unverified, fraudulent claims," said Noah. "This is the world that Donald Trump promotes. Someone who tweeted check out sex tape, can't complain about tabloid gossip. The truth is, Mr. President, you made your bed, now eat your cheeseburger in it."
'Jimmy Kimmel Live'
Jimmy Kimmel went in on one of the more racy tidbits from the book, which described how Trump allegedly "liked to say that one of the things that made life worth living was getting your friend's wives into bed." The passage went on to describe how he'd supposedly ask his friends sex-related questions while having their wives secretly listen on speaker phone.
Kimmel said that sounded like "Fifty Shades of Orange," adding, "No wonder his only friends are 'Fox and Friends!'"
The host then wondered why the president brought more attention to the book by threatening legal action.
"I wasn't going to buy the book, I was just gonna read the excerpts in magazines and move on," he explained. "But now that Trump's lawyers are going all out to try to stop it from being published, I'm buying 20 copies! I can't buy enough of these books. I'll buy them for my parents, my in-laws, my cousins."
He ended his monologue by wondering whether Trump might actually be a "great businessman" who's secretly getting a cut of the profits, before deadpanning, "or, more likely, he's just dumb."