Bill Maher Catches Up on Trump's Tumultuous 2018: Missiles, Porn Stars, 'Sh-thole' Government Shutdown
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7 Stars Donald Trump Tried to Date

The "Real Time" host jokes on first night back on TV in new year that Trump is the "only man ever to pay a porn star to keep her mouth shut."

Friday night marked Bill Maher's return to late-night TV, and he had quite a bit of national affairs on which to catch up.

"I was reluctant to end my vacation," the "Real Time" host said in his opening monologue. "I was in Hawaii. It was so relaxing until the missile alert came in. Right on the phone! Did you see this shit? Not a drill? 'Siri, where could I get new underwear?'"

"But Hawaiians are so laid back, they saw it on their phones and just swiped left," he joked. "I saw one guy he texted, 'New phone, who dis?'"

Maher wished his audience a happy new year and informed them that "2018 on the Chinese calendar is the year of the shithole," clearly mocking President Donald Trump for allegedly referring to Haiti, El Salvador and African nations as "shithole countries" in a White House meeting with senators earlier this month.

"Here's the thing about Donald Trump," Maher said. "He just says 'shithole,' everybody laughs at that and it's a bid thing, but it actually changes real stuff because that was the immigration deal they were trying to do, and saying shithole torpedoed it, and now they're gonna cut down the government -- we're waiting on that right now, live Friday night -- because Donald Trump wants to change the immigration process. He says, 'Why can't we do immigration more like the way I got Melania -- by using a catalog?'"

"He actually said we should bring in more people from Norway, and today Norway responded," Maher continued. "They said, 'Thank you, pass.'"

The late-night host then turned his sights to the immigration wall Trump began threatening to build before he was even president.

"For two years, [Trump's been] telling all his fans every time he got in front of them, 'There's gonna be a giant concrete wall, and actual wall, 30 feet high, from coast to coast.' Now, it's a fence, or sometimes a stream, or a thin sprinkling of cinnamon like you do with ants," Maher joked.

"But if there is a government shutdown, Trump says not to worry -- porn stars will still get their hush money," he continued. "Donald Trump -- only man ever, by the way, to pay a porn star to keep her mouth shut."

The joke was an obvious jab at the purported $130,000 Trump paid adult film actress Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about an alleged sexual encounter they had back in 2006.

"You don't pay that kind of money if there isn't something there," Maher said, adding that he would not be using the word "allegedly" while discussing the encounter and subsequent hush money.

"She said he chased her around the room in his tighty-whities," the comedian said. "And when Trump heard tighty-whities, he said, 'What, you mean my voters?'"

Maher said Daniels was a "pro" for powering through the act with Trump. He also took the opportunity to take a jab at fallen mogul Harvey Weinstein.

"She said, 'You know, sometimes if you have to have sex with a guy like Donald Trump, you just shut your eyes and pretend it's Harvey Weinstein.'"

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