Week four gets mighty awkward as one suitor makes everyone uncomfortable.
We've seen "Curb Your Enthusiasm." We can handle awkward.
At least, that's what we thought before tonight's episode of "The Bachelorette," where one suitor made Becca Kufrin (and the world) cringe so hard that he got the boot. Other things happened too -- believe us -- but that was the highlight of the night.
That and this doozy of a first red flag:
Lincoln is an interesting dude. He's game for everything, even if he's not great at it (trouble with axes tonight, for instance, and he had some issues during football last week), he has an accent, and Becca is keeping him around despite probably knowing deep down there's no way he makes it to the end.
We just wish she had gotten wind of something Lincoln said out loud tonight: he revealed that he hasn't seen enough evidence yet to convince him that the Earth isn't flat.
Like, we're not even sure what to write in regards to that.
Lincoln thinks the Earth is flat. Of course, that's not the real red flag when it comes to this contestant, whose past was uncovered last week.
Lincoln was recently found guilty of indecent sexual assault and battery. However, the show claims it did not know this at the time of casting and shooting Becca's season.
Two Ceremonies For One
This episode had the benefit of beginning with the rose ceremony from the previous episode, even though it felt like they rushed right through it to get to the snowy mountains in Utah. Luckily for us, things went south so hard later in the episode that Becca decided to skip the cocktail hour and go straight into another ceremony at the end.
The red flag from the first ceremony was definitely Nick, who tried to stand out by wearing a tracksuit instead of something, you know, cool. He did get a rose that night, but he was shown the door by the time the second ceremony rolled around. Good call, Becca.
Jordan Is The Worst
We cannot stand Jordan. For the record, we cannot stand David, either. They're both terrible in their own, special ways, but Jordan is so beyond clueless in what he says and does that we have no idea how Becca can't see right through him.
Oh wait, that's a lie: we know exactly why she's keeping him around. Let's never, ever forget the fact that Becca's in PR, and she's definitely not dumb. Jordan is the biggest source of drama in the house and it would be foolish to truly whittle the herd of suitor meat down to who she truly has feelings for this early on, because nobody wants to watch a show about someone dating a handful of fine gentlemen who are on their best behavior, all the time.
Tonight, Jordan paraded himself around in shiny, tight, golden underwear and said some truly ridiculous things, including how he's "like a sponge" because you can squeeze everything out of him, but you'll never know unless you try. We have no idea what that means, but we're pretty sure it’s offensive to sponges.
Still, reminding ourselves that Jordan is probably a PR stunt doesn’t really make the Jordan Pill easier to swallow. And because he exists, David exists, and there's no way the producers are letting them go yet.
Unless, of course, they get creepy.
What In The Actual Hell, Jean Blanc?
The best (read: worst) part of the night was the culmination of Jean Blanc's pining for alone time with Becca. Not because he was finally able to sweep her off her feet, but rather because she made his feet pound pavement right out of the house.
The red flags came fast, and they came in hard.
First, he straight up custom-made perfume for Becca and gave it to her as a gift. We don't even remember what it was called, but the whole thing was weird. We're dying to know what it smells like, though.
Second, he said he wanted to tell her something in her ear, but then forced a kiss on her.
Then, he told her he was falling in love with her, despite the apparent lack of chemistry and how uncomfortable it was making her.
Finally, he stopped Becca as she was literally walking him off of the show, and tried to take it all back — including is confession of love! It. Was. Painful.
But it was also brilliant TV and we're wondering what Jean Blanc is up to now and if he plans on selling that perfume. It'd be a huge missed opportunity if he didn't.
We Still Like Wills
He's not going to win, but we still like the guy. He got a date rose tonight, so we hope he can prove us wrong! It was an uphill battle for him after Becca's evening with Jean Blanc, but we still didn't feel the spark.
Garrett Is Probably Going To Win, But That Doesn't Mean He’s Free Of Red Flags
The chemistry between the walking perpetual smile, Garrett, and Becca is apparent. Plus he reminds her of her dad, so at this point it's his game to lose.
At the end of his one-on-one date with Becca, though, Garrett revealed he had been married before, and gave some context to a prying Becca. He rushed into a marriage, and the marriage only lasted for two months. He gave a pretty broad reason of being emotionally manipulated and abused by his ex -- which is terrible, and honestly we believe him. The red flag that pops up for us is not in that the marriage lasted for only two months (abusive relationships are impossible situations), but that we're unsure he can truly open himself up again if it wasn't that long ago.
He deserves the shot to prove he's ready for this, though, and deserves to be loved by someone who won't treat him like garbage, that's for sure. But if he needs more time to come to terms with his past scarring relationship in the end, nobody would, or should, blame him.
When Will Chris Harrison Finally Get A Rose?
Guys, Chris Harrison has been on the show for years and has still not gotten a rose. We think he’s due for one at this point, and hope there's a point this season where Becca has an extra one for whatever reason and does him a solid.
Also, our favorite part of the show is how Chris's actual job is to waltz out and announce when it's the final rose, like nobody can count how many roses are left -- be it the stable of men or the fine folks watching at home. He truly has the cushiest job on the planet.
But the cushiest job means nothing if you never get a rose.
We Owe David An Apology
Look, David's still a snitch, but last week we floated the idea that he fell off the bottom bunk instead of the top, and that they were overplaying his injuries.
Seeing him tonight, however, we gotta do the right thing and admit we were wrong -- his injuries look painful, and it was definitely the top bunk. And, you know, we're sorry or whatever. At least he got a rose out of it!
Still, is this definitive proof that snitches really do "get stitches?"
Think about it. See ya next week!