Each week TooFab breaks down all the times "The Bachelorette" suitors trigger our "spidey sense" with signs of relationship doom to come, in our series "Rose Red Flags."
Ah, the best part of this show: the home visits. Did Becca find love for not just one of pieces of man meat in her stable, but also their family? Did every single family member the guys' had look like they were being held hostage by their sons' ridiculous decision to be on this show, and that they really really did not want to be there?
Did Becca drown in RED FLAGS?? Buckle up, because we have a lot to talk about.
Let's find out how things went tonight, starting off with that anthropomorphic love poem about getting lost in a nice smile, Garrett, and his hometown of Manteca, CA.
Garrett IMMEDIATELY Put Becca To Work
Garrett wasted no time and put Becca to work on his family's farm. We're not kidding -- they hopped on a tractor and started planting tomatoes. Then they planted a rose bush so he can someday give her roses forever.
Get it? Because of the rose ceremonies being a huge part of the show?
Oh, that Garrett!
Luckily, they found some shade and were able to have a serious conversation about Garrett's ex-wife, which was over two years ago at this point. He warned her that his family might be extra guarded because his ex was so awful. So the only thing left to do was jump right in and introduce his TV girlfriend to his guarded family, the same TV girlfriend that is actively dating a handful of other guys while dating their son.
As you can tell, this is our favorite episode of the season... but also the hardest for us to swallow.
The biggest red flag on this date was when Garrett's sister wanted to talk one on one with Garrett as soon as they sat down to dinner! We bet everyone was hungry! Did the family have to wait? Was Becca in the other room chowing down? There's no way for us to know, but it's a definite red flag.
Luckily, Becca had a very sweet conversation with Garrett's dad, who just wants the best for his son. It was really sweet. Then, it was mom's turn.
She got real with Becca about the moment Garrett moved out of his ex-wife's house! That's not a red flag at all, in fact we love that his family didn't fluff their way through this. We're so happy it went well.
Garrett even got his family's blessing!
And then he made out with Becca out front of his family's house, probably with his family peeking through the blinds. Bro, save it for the fantasy suite, not the family suite.
He's gonna win.
Jason Didn't Show Becca Where He Gets His Hair Product In Bulk
Yeah, Jason showed Becca around Buffalo and introduced her to his family, but he did not let Becca in on his greatest secret: where he buys and stores all of the stuff that goes into his slicked back hair. Does he have a storage unit somewhere? Does he have an Amazon subscription to 55 gallon drums of the product? We need answers. Becca needs answers. Until then, it's a RED FLAG.
But they DID have a buffalo wings eating contest (they're in Buffalo after all), which, come on, is not something Becca needs to connect with on her journey to find love. Jason isn't going to win.
Jason's dad totally thinks this is a ridiculous situation, too. You could totally tell he wanted to just ask if Jason was really serious about all this, and in a roundabout way, he did. And then his mom admitted that she could NOT read whether or not Becca was falling in love with Jason! She got real with him, and Jason admitted that he's felt like he's been playing catch up with the other guys...
...And she did NOT buy it when Jason said he thinks he's surpassing the other suitors! We don't buy it either, mom.
Jason's brother actually gave him the best advice of the night: quit f---king around and tell her how you feel! That's the reason we thought Wills was going to beat him last week.
So it's nice he DID finally tell her that he was in love with her. But we still don't think she's into it. Oh well.
Hold Up: Will They Ever Have A Husky Bachelor?
Look, we know we're digressing — but bigger people need to find love too. We're pulling for the next Bachelor to skip the six pack and gain a healthy dose of personality and sense of humor. Who agrees?? #huskybachelor
Blake And Becca Fight Frostbite In Colorado In The Name Of Love
In Colorado, Blake referred to himself as a "mountain man' in the context of how Becca sees him, and we just can't. We can't. It's snowing, sure, and yes there are mountains, and yes he is a man, but Blake is not a mountain man by any measure.
Anywho, she seemed pretty excited to see someone who almost certainly won't win because he's not Garrett.
At first we were not really sure why he took her to his high school as the first stop of their hometown visit. It was so weird. But then he said his mom worked there, and he grew up running around the halls. And then he opened up about how his school went through a school shooting.
That. Is. Rough. We're so glad he wasn't hurt, but our hearts break for the one student that did. We take things pretty lightly here, because nobody should take a reality dating show seriously, but we have to put a pin in that and say we're floored by such a scary, horrible situation, and we're glad Blake was able to get past it.
Luckily things took a positive turn as Blake surprised her with an auditorium filled with people and a performance from someone named Betty Who, which is someone we've never heard of in our entire lives, but Becca said she's her favorite singer so we're not sure what to think.
And this was all before Blake introduced her to his family! Let's talk about that for a second.
Blake's mom went in hard about his past breakup, and then called the possibility of Blake being engaged in a few weeks "freakin’ crazy." But she came away from it very happy for him, yet afraid Becca might break his heart.
And his father was even MORE protective! He has no idea how Blake can make it work without the fantasy dates, and when reality finally hits. He has a point, man. That also means that his dad sees the entire show is a red flag, and we don’t necessarily disagree.
Blake's mom straight up asked Becca if she was ready to get engaged again -- after just 6 months from being engaged the last time. Becca took it in stride, but Blake's mom ALSO has a point, man. That's definitely a red flag.
Blake's not gonna win.
Colton Gives Us The Most Awkward, Cringiest Moment Of The Entire Season
Parker, Colorado. 2018 (or 2017? We have no idea when they filmed this.). Colton's hometown.
We wonder how far he is from Blake, who is also from Colorado.
We're also glad that the show found another way to bring back Tia, and the love triangle conflict! But first, Colton took Becca to the Children's Hospital to give kids toys. It was legit heartwarming... but he too, will not win. He still has the Tia thing going against him, but mainly it's the fact that he isn't Garrett that's his biggest flaw. It was really sweet to see them give toys to and spend time with the kids, though.
We did notice, however, that Becca didn't use the hand sanitizer when Colton did, so that's definitely a red flag!
Afterwards, Colton sat Becca down and revealed she's the first girl he's really brought home to his family, and Becca was a little worried about it, and worried he's not truly ready for a long-term relationship without experience. She ain't wrong, man. Red flag! Can he really commit without that experience? We don't know! Luckily we won't have to find out, because like we said he's not the winner, who is definitely Garrett.
Colton also took Becca home to meet what appeared to be his entire extended family. Which is a red flag, because woof -- that's just a lot.
During the time with Colton's Dad, he was concerned that Becca might not be ready -- and hasn't spoken with Colton enough about her own previous engagement. Truth! Red flag, Colton!
And then Colton's Dad straight up asked Becca about it, and if she's spoken at length about her previous engagement with Colton. The dude had no mercy! And she admitted they've barely scratched the surface of the subject. Good for Colton's Dad for not playin' around. He gets the MVP award, because he straight up said he doesn't want her to pick him unless she's ready.
But wait! There’s more!
Colton then talked about his virginity with his mom, yo. That's wild, and he even mentioned the fantasy suites to her and the implication of what that meant! What in the world?? Don't talk about that junk with your mom, Colton! Becca -- red flag! So weird!
But wait there's more!
Becca then talked to his mom about Colton's virginity. WTF was happening? It was so uncomfortable!
But, are you ready for this? It wasn't nearly the most uncomfortable moment of the night. That award goes to when Colton took Chris Harrison aside and, well...
Chris Harrison Worked Harder Tonight Than He Ever Has Throughout His Entire Career Because Of One Conversation With Colton
We're still cringing.
Colton pulled Chris aside before the rose ceremony and asked him about just what exactly goes on inside the Fantasy Suites -- because he's a virgin. Chris, rolling with the weirdest punch of his life, said just as long as Becca and him were on the same page, and Colton handled it like a man, it would be fine.
And in that moment, Chris Harrison became Colton's second dad, and had to raise one of the suitors as his own son for the first time since signing on as "The Bachelor" (and "Bachelorette's") host all the way back at the turn of feels like the 18th century.
Tia Ain't Havin' It
Well guys, the show managed to revitalize some drama from earlier in the season. If you don't remember, Tia -- Becca's best friend -- and Colton have had some kissing sessions in the past. Was there tongue? We don't know. What we do know is that Tia has been having a tough time watching Becca get close to him.
So, to set the scene, Becca had yet another roundtable discussion with her friends about the state of her heart and her stable of men. Tia then pulled Becca aside and admitted that she still has feelings for him, and that she feels sick that Colton was still around and that Becca even met his family.
Tia, girl, you had your damn chance! We realize that it's probably the show and producers making this happen, because nothing is real and everything on TV is a lie, but still -- shove those feelings down deep and suck it up. You're just jealous of Becca hittin' it off with Colton when it didn't happen for you.
Red flag, Becca. Time to drop Tia from your life. Right, everyone?
Wrong. That's not what happened. Here's what happened after.
BECCA BOOTED COLTON! TIA, YOU SUNK HER CHANCE AT TRUE LOVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just kidding, he wasn't going to win. Remember: he wasn't Garrett, the winner, and could never be.
It's a bummer because Colton walked away with no fiancee, and instead let an entire world know that he's a virgin. For nothin'. Tia, you got your wish -- give Colton a buzz.
Chris Harrison Rose Count: Zilch
Even though Chris Harrison didn't get a rose, he did get something he's never had on the show before: a fatherly conversation with a grown man about whether or not people got their bone on in the Fantasy Suites.
You've definitely earned a rose now, Chris.
Until next week, y'all!