We’re only on episode two of this show? It feels like it’s been on forever at this point.
So on this week’s first episode of "Bachelor in Paradise," everyone got along, nobody fought, most of the people found love, and those who didn’t found something better: how to love themselves.
Let's get to it, because we know you're gluttons for punishment!
Colton Gets Ambushed
Remember last week’s cliffhanger?
A gaggle of dudes, led by Chris (not Harrison), were fed up with Colton strolling in and confusing Tia (whatever that means) with her residual feelings for him. Remember, she was just mouth-plowing Chris (again, not Harrison) before Colton showed up.
Well, tonight we got to see the result of that and whether or not it truly deserved a cliffhanger. So Chris (not Harrison, stop getting confused) brought along Jordan and Nick to pull it off.
Colton was asked point blank if he was there to explore other options, or if Tia was why he was there. Colton said, well, both? Chris (nope, not Harrison) said he can’t do that, bro, and how could he do that when it’s not fair to everyone who might want to try and date Tia?
Colton straight up said go for it, he’s not here to play “rose games” but to explore connections. Nobody threw a punch, and not a single person drowned another person in the ocean, under the moonlight and Poseidon’s gaze, because they were upset.
What did happen, though, was Colton said he had just told Becca from “The Bachelorette” he loved her, and he can’t just jump right back in with Tia. Chris (NOT HARRISON) said, wait, hold up, are you still in love with Becca?
And he didn’t respond. Jordan was convinced that Colton is straight up playing Tia.
Chris (Not Harrison) Keeps Calling Himself 'The Goose'
Why? Does he think it’s endearing and will help people forget how creepy he was on “The Bachelorette?” Because it’s dumb.
Kenny Gets Date Card
Kenny grabbed his date card and immediately started talking to all the women in Paradise. He went one by one, until he finally asked Krystal to go on the date -- which as soon as she said yes, he picked her up and carried her, as she’s been nursing a hurt foot because she "stepped on a rock."
Jordan Is All-In With Annaliese
Honestly, it’s kind of the opposite of what we thought Jordan would be. We thought, after his Tinder conversation during "The Bachelorette" (He said he had like 500 swipes or something? We can’t remember.) that he’d be buzzing around all the ladies. But he told Annaliese he was going to have a dinner ready for her that night and it was -- we’re gagging a bit -- kind of cute.
David wasn’t having it though, and tried to torpedo Jordan’s chances with her. He straight up told Annaliese that he doesn’t think Jordan is there for the right reasons, and that he might just be trying to "settle."
David’s the worst. The actual worst. Hopefully she saw through David’s b.s., but she admitted it made her nervous.
We think Jordan really does like her! And we think Annaliese feels it too.
Then Jordan and Annaliese kissed! "F--k you, David!" said the Universe.
Kenny And Krystal Go Wrestling
Not wrestling with each other, but they did do some mouth-wrestling later. Kenny and Krystal headed to Puerto Vallarta for their date, which was a wrestling match with luchadores! Kenny, who is a wrestler for reals, really made an impression on her -- because he ripped off his shirt and wrestled in her honor.
Also, it kinda looked like he was wearing a thong up there. That’s cool if that’s his thing, we just wanted to mention it.
Anyway, they had a nice conversation and bonded over their times on their separate Bachelor-verse seasons, as Kenny produced more sweat than a human should. They kissed anyway, which we spoiled earlier if you remember.
James Marsden Lite Explores Other Women
The Canadian fireman was so rubbed raw over Krystal going on the date with Kenny that he decided he’d get to know the other girls. One of them was Astrid, who, in mid-conversation, was attacked by a lizard. Not lying.
But we are exaggerating. She wasn’t really "attacked," as much as she was "crawled on."
After such a harrowing experience, they kissed and held hands in the water, under the gaze of Poseidon, who approved by not sending a rogue wave to take them out.
Tia Says She’s Going to Give Colton a Rose
Honestly, she seems pretty happy with herself for stealing Colton back from Becca, which was widely seen as "shitty," so this isn’t a good look for her. Do you think she makes a 180 this episode on Colton? Keep reading!
While she was telling the ladies that she was sure she’d give him a rose, Colton was off flirting with someone else, throwing around a football like an all-American hero.
The Cocktail Party
Jordan gave Annaliese a stuffed dog tonight, and she flat-out told him she’d be giving him her rose -- so that takes the mystery out of that. Which is fine.
Both Nick and David, who are very terrible, were vying for Chelsea. While David is just a mean person, we cannot stand to hear Nick fumble his way through hitting on women in a way where he’s trying to make it sound like it’s romantic and deep. It’s delusional.
Both John and Joe want Kendall’s rose, and even though they both mouthed her mouth a lil bit, it seemed like she had more of a connection with Joe on a physical level.
Colton flat-out said to Tia that he doesn’t like that he can’t pursue other women in front of her and “figure out” what he really wants. And that he owes it to himself to see. On one hand, sure, on the other hand, barf. On a third hand, Tia is being stupid about all of this too, and on a fourth hand we have the remote, struggling not to turn off our TV.
Tia then went over with Chris (Not. Harrison.) and gave her some sweet tea because she’s from the south. Is that offensive somehow? Who knows. But they kissed!
Colton then swooped in on Angela, who is our least favorite woman this season, but even she stood up to Colton’s attempt to woo her for a rose in the last second.
So he confronted the gaggle of dudes who ambushed him earlier in the week, to see who got in her ear, and it was Nick. He admitted it outright and said Colton was the “white elephant in the room” which is not the phrase at all but OK.
Once again, nobody really fought, so it felt like the producers had their hand in all of this.
Two Suitors Get the Axe
Tia's struggle ended with her giving a rose to Chris (not Harrison, who deserves a rose too), and we’re surprised that David ended up getting a rose too! We didn’t see him make a connection with anyone, but the producers need him for drama.
Bibiana, in a "shocker," gave Colton her rose, ultimately sending Nick and Wills home. Which, thank goodness about Nick -- but we’re bummed that Colton stayed over Wills. Bibiana said it had something to do with letting Colton figure things out, but we know for sure it was the producers who made it happen.
Nothing is real, TV is a lie.
Becca Dares Show Her Face Around These Parts
Of course it’s Becca, because:
1.) It ties into the shared Bachelor Universe, and; 2.) The Becca, Tia, and Colton b.s. never ends.
She announced to the ladies that she was happily engaged (to a possible racist/homophobe) (why, Garrett, why?), and everyone was happy for her. Oh yeah, and the guys got sent to the beach so Becca could talk to the girls alone before anyone even knew it was Becca showing up. We should have mentioned that.
When Colton found out who it was, though, he got emotional about it. Is he faking it for the camera? Either way, we’re starting to get so sick of him and his whole deal.
Tia and Becca then went for a chat, right in front of Colton, which made him storm off and start crying. Is he still in love with Becca? Was he ever really? Is anything on these shows not scripted? Someone tell us what to believe!
If it’s real, that means the producers are torturing this guy for our viewing pleasure. If it isn’t real, then is anything on these shows real? It all starts to crumble.
So you tell us: what do you believe?
And what if we told you the episode ended on a yet another Colton Cliffhanger™, because they were sending Becca to talk to him mid-cry?
See ya tomorrow for more!