"My head's not in the gutter, it's in the news," insists Seth Meyers, adding, "Which is in the gutter."
It was an uncomfortable night for everyone Tuesday night when it came time for the late-night monologues. Everyone knew it was coming, but no one was really ready.
After excerpts from Stormy Daniels' forthcoming memoir, "Full Disclosure," and she wasn't kidding with that title. The porn star and alleged lover of one Donald Trump describes in the book the presidential penis, and she uses a comparison that did not sit well with pretty much anyone at all.
"It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool," Daniels wrote in an excerpt published by The Guardian. "I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f--ked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d--k like the mushroom character in 'Mario Kart.'"
Across late night, both James Corden and Seth Meyers apologized multiple times to their audiences for even talking about this, but emphasizing that this is the news. "My head's not in the gutter, it's in the news," insisted Meyers, adding, "Which is in the gutter."
Jimmy Fallon could barely bring himself to talk about it at all, but Jimmy Kimmel seemed perfectly comfortable, even reading the excerpt aloud. He did nevertheless declare, "I will not eat a mushroom or play a video game ever again."
Late Night with Seth Meyers
"Stormy Daniels compares President Trump's penis to the video game character Toad from 'Mario Kart,'" Seth Meyers told his audience. "So for once, let's not take 'A Closer Look.'"
In that segment, Meyers usually goes into great depth on a topic and really breaks it down, so on behalf of America, we thank you for that decision!
When he didn't like the audience response, Meyers emphasized, "That's a joke about the news. You might be saying, how dare you make a joke about a penis looking like a video game character, but that's the f--king news right now!"
Later, he circled back to the memoir when talking about a story out of Australia where needs have been found in grocery store strawberries. "A needle hidden inside a strawberry," Meyers mused. "Yes, that's exactly what it looked like, said Story Daniels."
And this just set him up again to yell at the audience about how this is the news now. This is the world we live in.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Jimmy Kimmel didn't shy away from the story at all, reading an excerpt from the book and diving right into the topic. "[Stormy Daniels] describes Trump's penis as smaller than average, but admitted she was impressed it had his name embossed in gold on it," he joked.
Kimmel imagined Trump's immediate response to his penis being compared to the "Mario" franchise character Toad, saying that Trump ordered "Homeland Security to deport the Super Mario Bros. and they will be missed."
In her memoir, Daniels alleges that Trump knows he has an "unusual penis," which got Kimmel thinking and hoping. "I can't wait for a reporter to ask Sarah Huckabee Sanders to deny that, because that's gonna be magic right there."
The Late Late Show with James Corden
James Corden prepared his audience for the topic, telling them, "Stormy Daniels has a new tell-all memoir coming out and, boy, does she not hold back."
And like everyone else in the world, he couldn't help but focus on her description of Trump's penis as "like the mushroom character in 'Mario Kart.'" But maybe not for the same reason as everyone else.
"Now listen, listen," Corden said sternly. "No matter what your politics are, that's just disrespectful. It is. He's not the mushroom character in 'Mario Kart.' his name is Toad. You call him by his name, dammit! Have a little respect."
But in the end, Corden was just said. "This is awful," he lamented. "It's not enough that Trump has ruined reality for most of us, he's now ruining video games."
Corden then went even deeper into the story, apologizing to his audience along the way, but you'll have to watch the video to see which other video character he used to describe the president's genitalia.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"
Poor Jimmy Fallon couldn't even bring himself to say the word penis, instead describing it alternately as the president's "Trump Tower" and "Don Jr." We couldn't help but wonder what the real Don Jr. thinks of that.
He joked that with details like that in it, Daniels' memoir "comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismal and a straw."
In regards to the comparison of Trump's penis to Toad, Fallon joked, "How does he explain the giant red dots. That's what I'd be worried about."
He then turned the joke around to the video game franchise, saying that in the latest edition of the game, "Toad collects gold coins and uses them as hush money."
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