"When I woke up, I was like, 'What have I done?'" Gisele Bündchen recalls of secretly going under the knife in 2015.
Gisele Bündchen just finally confirmed speculation she got a boob job in 2015, adding that she regretted the decision instantly.
After breastfeeding Benjamin and Vivian -- her children with NFL husband Tom Brady -- for more than 18 months each, Gisele said she decided to get a breast augmentation. She revealed the news in her upcoming memoir, "Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life," and told PEOPLE her kids left her boobs deflated and uneven.
"I was always praised for my body, and I felt like people had expectations from me that I couldn't deliver," the supermodel told the publication. "I felt very vulnerable because I can work out [and] I can eat healthy, but I can't change the fact that both of my kids enjoyed the left boob more than the right. All I wanted was for them to be even and for people to stop commenting on it."
Gisele became known in the fashion industry as "the boobs from Brazil." In her memoir, she recalls waking up from surgery and thinking, "What have I done?"
"I felt like I was living in a body I didn't recognize," she explains. "For the first year, I wore [baggy] clothes because I felt uncomfortable."
But Tom's support never wavered.
"He just said, 'I love you no matter what' and that I looked beautiful," she explains. "This was definitely another lesson: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I wish I would have learned that a different way."
In her memoir, Gisele also opens up about battling panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.
"Things can be looking perfect on the outside, but you have no idea what's really going on," she told PEOPLE. "I felt like maybe it was time to share some of my vulnerabilities, and it made me realize, everything I've lived through, I would never change, because I think I am who I am because of those experiences."
After having her first panic attack in 2003 on a small plane, Gisele developed a fear of tunnels, elevators and other enclosed spaces.
"I had a wonderful position in my career," she says. "I was very close to my family, and I always considered myself a positive person, so I was really beating myself up. Like, 'Why should I be feeling this?' I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel bad, but I felt powerless. Your world becomes smaller and smaller, and you can't breathe, which is the worst feeling I've ever had."
The panic attacks began overwhelming the model in her own home, which led her to thoughts of suicide.
"I actually had the feeling of, 'If I just jump off my balcony, this is going to end, and I never have to worry about this feeling of my world closing in,'" she says.
Eventually, she sought professional help and completely changed her lifestyle.
"I had been smoking cigarettes, drinking a bottle of wine and three mocha Frappucinos every day -- and I gave up everything in one day," says Giselle, who also cut out sugar from her diet and began practicing yoga and meditation. "I thought, 'If this stuff is in any way the cause of this pain in my life, it's gotta go."
In her quest to find peace and happiness, Gisele split from her then-boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio, in 2005. But the model has no hard feelings toward the actor, saying, "Everyone who crosses our path is a teacher. They come into our lives to show us something about ourselves, and I think that's what he was. What is good versus bad? I honor him for what he was."
"Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life" will be released Oct. 2.
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