Jana Kramer Breaks Down In First Podcast Since Mike Caussin Split: 'It's Not F---ing Fair'

Jana Kramer had an emotional return to her "Whine Down" podcast this week, in her first episode since filing for divorce from Mike Caussin.

While either have yet to comment on the specifics of the split, she listed "inappropriate marital conduct, irreconcilable differences and adultery" in her divorce docs -- and she was clearly alluding to another indiscretion as she opened up in a raw, sometimes tear-filled conversation with good friend Sara Gretzky and life coach Gabby Bernstein.

"My heart's like pounding," said Kramer in the first moments of the episode. "This is ... so sorry for everyone listening right now—this is not easy. For those of you that haven't seen the news, I filed for divorce a few weeks ago, and it has not been easy, I'll say that. And honestly, I don't even know if I want to do the show anymore. I'm being completely honest."

At that point, she was already crying and getting choked up on air, as she explained how she started the podcast solo but once Mike joined as a guest, the venture started to feel "like ours." She added, "So now it feels weird not having him on here. And, I don't know, it's just feels weird."

Saying she's still in "the middle of grieving," Kramer explained that it's hardest in the morning and at night -- saying she doesn't have the luxury to sulk all day because of the couple's children. She noted that she goes into her room and just cries when her kids take their daily naps -- and added she was "so depressed," she couldn't even load the dishwasher.

"I was a zombie, that was for two weeks. Now I go in and out of crying," she said. "I didn't want this, at the end of the day. I think where I'm at is, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that this is how it ended, and then I also feel like I let people down. We've come on here, and we've fought, and we fought for it. But, really, the words that were spoken ... they were honest from me, is what I'll say."

After Gretzky noted she was "completely shook and shocked" by the split, because she thought everything was fine between Kramer and her husband, Jana said she felt the same way. "Even a few days before things came to light we were like, 'Wow, we're really good right now,'" she explained. She then thanked everyone who has reached out with support so far and added she also received a lot of heartbreaking messages from people asking how she got the "courage" to finally  leave Mike.

"I still don't have the strength, it's just somewhere where it's like, I have no choice,'" she said. "I'm the weakest I've ever been. Maybe in the future, I'll feel that strength, but I went to my therapist a few weeks ago, like, 'Fine I'll live this life. I don't want to break up my family.' My whole thing is like, I didn't want this for the kids. I've stayed for my kids, even when other things happened. My therapist was like, 'You don't want to live that life ... it's taking your life away.' I'm like, 'Yeah, but my kids. We'll be together.'"

She got choked up again as she started thinking about what it will be like to send her kids off for their first overnight with their father. "I'm going to be destroyed," she said. "It's not what I wanted, it's not what I worked for and it's not f---ing fair. That makes me so angry. I worked too damn hard for it to end this way."

Kramer said that in the past, she thought she was "strong" for staying with Caussin after his indiscretions -- which included a cheating scandal, "sex addiction relapse," sexting scandal, a vague incident where a marriage "boundary" had been "broken" and accusations in October 2020 he was cheating again. Now, however, she started to feel "weak for staying, because I'm staying because I don't want to be alone, I'm staying because I want to keep my family together and I don't know I believe a change anymore."

She added that, this time, she had "friends basically tell me they would lose respect for me" if she stayed with Mike -- "and those were the friends that were like, 'We love you and support you no matter what.'" While Caussin has been open about his sex addiction issues, this latest issue made Kramer feel like she was the addict in the relationship. "I feel like I'm coming off of heroin," she said, "I'm like, I need it. What do I need? It's not healthy. I don't know what a healthy version looks like anymore."

Her producer then asked if she got any sense of relief by filing for divorce, because it means she's no longer waiting for "the other shoe to drop" in their relationship anymore.

"There is definitely moments where it's like, it's nice to not have to wonder, worry, look. I was always so afraid of that moment," said Kramer, who explained that she and Caussin had what she thought was a brutally honest conversation "a few weeks before everything came to light." She said she flat out asked if anything was going on again, because she didn't want to "find it" on her own. "It was such a connected moment and he swore on his sobriety there was nothing," she said. "Knowing now what I know ... not having to look at things and question and wonder and worry, there is some relief in that."

She did, however, say there was still "so much sadness" stemming from her children, "because they didn't deserve this, they didn't ask for this." Kramer also said the sadness comes from the "dream of what I thought it was gonna be" with Mike, "who I thought I was working with and who he said to all of us who he was." Added Kramer, "Not having that really be a reality is kind of a slap in the face."

Kramer said she hoped the podcast wouldn't become "the divorce guide of single mamas" going forward -- and, before Bernstein joined them for some self-help mantras -- promised "every will will not be a sob show."

Caussin has yet to comment.