Stewart then looked directly into the camera to comfort the brokenhearted media.
“Hey guys, hey media, so I heard Donald broke up with you. Stings a little, doesn't it? You finally thought you'd met your match: a blabbermouth who's as thin-skinned and narcissistic as you are," Stewart said. "Well, now it's over! Well, good riddance, I say! Kick him to the curb.”
“It is time for you to get your groove back, media,” Stewart continued, “because let's face facts. You kind of let yourself go a little bit for these past few years. You put on a few pundits, obsessing, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, about this one guy. 'What's Donny up to? Did he say anything about us? You think he's gonna come on our show? Do you think he even likes us? He doesn't even have to come on. He can just call us! Oh, Donny, please, just let us know you're okay!'”
Stewart reassured the press that “70-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by,” convincing them that this so-called breakup is actually a good thing for them.
“Here's my point, media. Here's my point,” he said. “This breakup with Donald Trump has given you, the media, an amazing opportunity for self-reflection and improvement. Instead of worrying about whether Trump is un-American, or if he thinks you're the enemy, or if he's being mean to you, or if he's going to let you go back into the briefings, do something for yourself. Self-improvement! Take up a hobby. I recommend journalism.”