Per the direction of Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, all of the negotiations of the new bill have taken place behind closed doors, so very little is known about what could be in store for health care.
"They even put a sock on the doorknob so no one barges in while they're screwing poor people," Colbert joked.
Colbert pointed out that when Obamacare was in the works, the Senate debated the measure on the floor for 25 days. "But now Republicans want to limit debate on their bill to just 20 hours, or about the same amount of time as binge watching the new 'Twin Peaks,' except 'Twin Peaks' is less confusing," the CBS star joked.
Colbert slammed the Senate for closing off its debate on health care, especially since subjects such as airline overcrowding, outer space settlements, and pool and hot tub safety have been discussed openly.
"You were less prepared for this job than a high school sophomore working at Chipotle," Meyers said after playing a clip of Trump admitting that he thought he "needed a little bit more time" before becoming POTUS. "Your White House is like a poorly wrapped burrito. It's falling apart and we're all gonna get E. coli."
The late-night comedian also compared the top-secret health care bill to a Harry Houdini act. "And like Houdini, I wouldn't be surprised if Trump started wearing a straitjacket."
"This is definitely for a magic trick, and not because I'm fully insane," Meyers said doing his best Trump impression.
Meyers also noted that the proposed bill is "massively unpopular" among Democrats and Republicans, adding that "just 8 percent of Americans think the Senate should pass the health care bill as is."
"Even 'The Mummy' got a 15 percent on Rotten Tomatoes," Meyers joked.
Jimmy Kimmel went in hard on Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell.
"You know that old lady with the glasses? Yeah, her. She is keeping this bill such a tightly-guarded secret, even senators in her own party haven't been allowed to look at it," Kimmel said.
Like his fellow late-night hosts, the comedian went in on Senate Republicans for keeping the proposal from, well, everyone, but he also pointed out that crew of 13 responsible for drafting the bill is made up of solely men.
"They've held no hearings, they've allowed no debate. All we know is that the legislation, which would affect many millions of Americans, is being written in secret by a group of 13 male senators. All men, no women," Kimmel said. "McConnel said he would have women, but they can't keep a secret, so they're not allowed in the room."
Kimmel added that it's hard to believe what's currently happening in politics isn't a plot from a movie.