'America's Got Talent' 5th Judge: A Family Band, a 14-Year-Old Rapper, Cats and Acrobats Shine on Premiere

Where else can you see a creepy magician performing on the same stage as dancers, singers, comedians, a group of guys who spit water to music and a mother-daughter duo who have trained cats to perform tricks? Yes, you read that right. Cats! Tuesday night's premiere also brought the first golden buzzer, which sends the receiving act straight to the live shows.

'Who do I think I am?' you ask. Well, I spent nearly a decade of my life sweating and bleeding to the music as a dancer. From a young boy learning a shuffle-ball-change to performing with the St. Louis Ballet Company, I experienced the ups and downs of one of the most difficult physically demanding sports on the planet. During this time, I was also a member of the St. Louis Symphony Youth Orchestra, as well as a gymnast, writer and cartoonist. I had a lot more energy in my younger years. And I've spent the last sixteen years analyzing and critiquing reality competition shows for various media publications. I've got this.

Fair warning, since I'm safe at home, I'm probably going to be a little harsher than my colleagues Howie Mandel, Mel B, Heidi Klum and Simon Cowell. But I might be nicer, too. Maybe. For this stage of the competition, it's just about getting through to the next round, so I'll give my vote alongside the judges. And just for fun, I'm gonna rank them from worst to first to see who emerges as my favorite each night.

(judge) Rather than come out with a talent of his own, Iain came out to audition as a judge. In doing so, he replaced Howie, sending him to the audience with the rest of the chering crowd. To make matters worse, he took a sip from the notorious germophobe's water. Iain stayed on the panel then for the next act, which was a musician named Mike, who "farted" the national anthem with his hands. The panel quickly X'd him, but it was Iain who quickly learned that judging is tougher than he realized. Mike didn't make it, either.

Judges Votes: N, N, N, N

My Vote: N

(comedy act) They came out in tuxedos and performed a unison water fountain spitting routine that was absolutely ridiculous. And yet, it was choreographed cleverly and surprisingly entertaining to everyone in attendance, except for Simon who couldn't get over how utterly ridiculous the whole thing was. Also it's worth noting that they can all spit water very well. It's entertaining enough for this round, but that's not a million dollar act.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, N

My Vote: N

(dancers) Hailing from a rough neighborhood in the Philippines, this dance crew found their passion in dance amid a difficult life, saving their money to come to America for their families back home. I was already on board for their high-energy and joyful dance style, but then they brought out the gold heels and took it to the next level. This is an all-male revue, and yet they danced and brought it in heels as well as any woman. They need to push themselves more with the choreography, but the cheekiness and humor of the group makes them very watchable for this show.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(animal trainers) Are you freaking kidding me? We've seen almost all of these tricks before, but they were always performed by dogs. How these women got cats to perform them is absolutely a mystery, and it was astonishing to behold. Then, they slipped in some cat exclusive types of tricks, and I might have to completely rethink my understanding of my feline friends. What are these two lazy good-for-nothings doing just lying around in the sun all day? Get up and perform for your supper!

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(comedian) While she was a little rough around the edges in her delivery -- and a lot rough around the edges in her persona -- Vicki had some genuinely funny punchlines in a very short set. More importantly, she did a great job of selling to us this "trailer park trash" persona she's crafted for her routines. And if we understand who she is as a person, or who she wants us to think she is, it's going to be easier to bring us into her world with her jokes and bits. She's not the strongest comedian the show has seen, but she has strong material.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(magician) After a bizarre montage of scary acts that weren't really all that scary, we finally made it to The Sacred Riana. In creepy "Ring"-like pantomime, this young woman came out in a plain dress carrying a similarly dressed doll with her hair hanging over her face. There was almost too much performance art in her magic, and her refusal to talk made communication awkward considering she was doing close-up magic, but the photograph she took of Mel was genuinely creepy. The trick itself, overall seemed a little simplistic. Still, the character is compelling, and if she could hurry it up a bit, I'd love to see what else she's got.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, N

My Vote: Y

(rapper) This 14-year-old girl lost her father to a shooting before she was born. He was only 20 years old, and signed with Universal Records, so his future was before him. He never got to fulfill her dream, and so that's her motivation for what she does. The song was an anthem against gun violence and her own personal struggles growing up without her father because of such senseless violence. Not only was it powerfully written, Flau'jae has flow! She could lay those tracks down in a studio right now. At 14, she is ready to take on the rap world. I agree with her friends that "AGT" is an odd choice, but we don't have an "American Rapper" show, so why not? She can go toe to toe with any of these acts.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(magician) Right before Shin went out, we saw the judges underwhelmed by a card magician, and yet that's what his act is all about. Host Tyra Banks was right there for every bit of this amazing performance, and this young man did some of the absolute craziest things I've ever seen in card tricks with absolutely no idea how he pulled it off. Obviously, there are some tricks in the cards themselves, but that doesn't explain everything else he pulled off. Truly, it was mesmerizing from beginning to end in a way close-up magic rarely pulls off.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(family band) This group of siblings celebrated their mother's legacy with an original song written from her perspective as she was dying from cancer and it. Was. Gutwrenching! So beautiful. So beautifully and achingly performed, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The brother and sister vocalists harmonized beautifully, and they were all fantastic on their various instruments. There's usually something cutesy about family bands, but these guys had a modern rock edge that felt very fresh. That song could play on the radio right now and be a hit.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(acrobats) A Brazilian man came to America and created this aeria dance group specifically made from non-professionals. He wants to give kids from all walks of life the opportunity to shine. This group is filled with kids of all ages and it is massive. With elements of musicality and dance throughout, this became more than a gymnastics routine, it was a performance. The flips and throws were absolutely incredible with some of those little girls flying so high, and yet they came down perfectly to be caught in proper form. The skill and precision from the throwers and the throwees was just mind-blowing.

Judges Votes: Tyra's Golden Buzzer

My Vote: Y

"America's Got Talent" continues Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. ET.