This week on "The Bachelorette," Becca Kufrin and her stable of man meat decided to leave all the drama behind and head to the Bahamas for a little R&R (which we just found out doesn't stand for Robots & Revenge) and love in the sand.
Did Becca find herself falling for a select few, or did she feel like she was left stranded on an island of idiots?
Hey, why can't it be both? Read on for this week's edition of Rose Red Flags to find out.
First, Here's a Quick Question: Does The Bachelorette Get to Choose the Locations?
We're just curious -- are the producers mapping this all out, or are all these places on a list written by Becca? What do you think? This week was pretty incredible, and way better than some of the other locations this season. We wonder if she at least gets to approve or veto the options!
How This Week Worked: Three One-on-One Dates and a Group Date
This week worked a little differently: three of the guys were getting a one-on-one date, and instead of rose ceremony, there would be one group date.
Colton got the first date, which shocked everyone because everyone wondered if he would be revealing his secret that we just found out he had...
Is this a red flag? We suppose it can go either way. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to wait for the "right person," but sometimes experience matters. It's just a question of whether or not it truly bugs Becca.
On their one-on-one date, they hit the water for the day and hopped on a boat on beautiful turquoise, and Colton used all of his muscles to ensnare Becca's gaze. And yeah, they did a dumb "I'm king of the world!" joke on the bow of the boat before smashing their mouths and tongues together in full view of what we assume is the boat's captain, the cameras and millions of viewers.
Then Colton got interrupted to go diving for conch shells, which are the "viagra" of the Bahamas apparently. Perfect timing for a chat about having never gotten your bone on before -- but he decided to wait for later in the date to tell her.
AND HE DID!
Good for him for being honest. And then she straight up said "Really???" as her first response.
She then thanked him for revealing it, but you could tell it was bothering her a bit. But we can't ever tell what's happening for real because of the producers (She walked away! Who would need to get up and take a walk after that conversation? Grow up and take it in stride, Becca!) or her background in PR.
So this red flag isn't because of Colton, but how Becca handled it in front of the cameras.
Five bucks says the producers told her to do it, which doesn't really make it less shitty. She did end up coming back to say she wasn't judging him and that she respected him. Well, then don't get up for a dramatic walk, Becca. Come on!
He got a date rose, though, and Becca will be meeting his family (and the other rose-getters' families) next week.
Fashion Red Flag: Becca Wears a Lot of Sequins
We get it, some razzle dazzle is amazing -- but girl looks like a disco ball on at least one date every episode! Red flag, dudes.
Garrett got the second one-on-one of the week, and it was all about love being "in the air," which means airplanes if you didn't get the pun. They toured the island from the air. Do you get it? DO YOU?!
The writing for the show aside, Garrett is going to win this show. Hands down. If he doesn't, we'll admit we were wrong, but we'll also say Becca made the wrong choice and question her sanity, as well as our own.
The first red flag of the date, though, was that Becca popped the champagne IN THE PLANE and it went everywhere, and some poor soul definitely had to clean up that sticky mess later. Not cool, Becca.
The plane then landed at a private beach. They were so connected, and Garrett is going to win so hard, that all we could think about was whether or not they were wearing sunscreen. We hope so, because it would just be careless if not.
Garrett then later revealed he was falling in love with Becca, and she was so happy about it, he also got a date rose! We'll finally get to see the two smiles that plowed to create the Walking Smile we've had our money on all season.
Then they ran into the ocean after dinner, AT NIGHT, just to make out! Watch out for sharks! Red flag for both of you! You don't know what's in there!
Blake Is Losing His Confidence
Every time a different guy got a one-on-one date that wasn't Blake, he died a little inside. We get it. It's a weird situation hanging out with a handful of dudes who are also getting handfuls of the same woman you're falling for -- but you signed up for it, bruh!
That jealousy in this setting is a definite red flag, and Blake is never going to win. He doesn't have the fortitude to handle watching other guys get the same shot at love as he does.
He did get the third one-on-one of the week, though -- so good for his blood pressure, we suppose.
On the one-on-one, we finally got to see the Baha Men, which were teased all episode. But we were distracted because it finally hit us who Blake reminds us of: Shane from "The Walking Dead" (Jon Bernthal)! Not really a red flag because Bernthal became the Punisher, and that's rad. But we digress.
After the concert, they smooched a whole bunch on the beach in full sunlight, and Blake's ears got really, really red. So, red flag. Then, during their dinner, Blake buttoned his shirt all the way up.
Becca did get a moment to ask Blake about his family, and Blake opened up about it -- a wild story where his mom fell in love with another man and divorced his dad. That other man? Blake's basketball coach and teacher.
We liked Blake's perspective despite how hard it must have been, and how he wants to put all the effort into communication in his future relationships and future family, so that's good. Then he segued right into saying he was in love with her.
We don't really buy it, and it feels like he just wants to win the show.
But Becca doesn't feel the same as we do because she gave him a date rose and told the cameras that she was also in love with him and could see a "forever" with him. What the hell do we know at this point?
The Baha Men Didn't Answer Their Own Endless Riddle
The show has been slowly and slowly getting better musical guests -- from country musicians to classic crooners -- but tonight was just the best treat yet: the motherf--king Baha Men!
They got the crowd jumpin' and the love pumpin', but we're afraid we have to give them a big red flag for never letting the world know just who it was that let the dogs out. In most cases, dogs are cuddle monsters. In a few cases, they can be deadly beasts. It's a public service at this point to let us know just who is letting these dogs out so we can either put a stop to it or thank them depending on the temperament of the dogs.
The Group Date FROM HELL
Just kidding. But for real, though, with only one rose to give out and three dudes wanting to board the Becca Train to Marriage Station, it got a little tense.
Wills, Leo, and Jason met up with Becca on the beach to play volleyball -- and split up for some quick one-on-one time on top of it, too. Here's what happened:
Wills got to reveal that his parents have been together for 50 years, which is impressive, and got super adorable when talking about them, and he didn't mumble so much!
Jason also tried to open his heart to Becca, but for some reason, it felt less genuine to us.
Leo, and his flowing locks, got down and honest with Becca about his past relationships while we struggled to hear any of it because the ocean was so f--king loud the entire time. But, he did it: he asked her where he stood among the other guys.
She admitted she's not as far along with Leo as the other guys, and he felt it, too. So she let Leo down as gently as possible. We're bummed, but we get it. Luckily, she did it at the shore of the ocean, so Leo just walked right into it and was immediately back home with his underwater throne as his true self: Aquaman.
Later in the evening, Jason, looking like he's straight out of the movie "Grease" if it took place on a golf course, got some more one-on-one time with Becca, where they kissed and Becca felt up his inner thigh. Then she said there was a risk to Jason because he isn't as vocal about where he is with her (like saying he's falling for her), and he didn't take the bait -- he only said he felt strongly, and didn't mention the "L" word.
Wills, however, took his one-on-one to be genuine and bring up how he IS falling in love with her, and how she makes him feel. And watching her face, she took to it.
BUT WHAT IS THIS? She chose Jason over Wills with the final rose!
We were SHOCKED. And a little pissed. Wills took the steps that Jason couldn't. He was also so, so crushed. It broke our hearts.
Until next week, dear readers, as we continue to question what love truly is and if you can ever really find it on a reality TV show.