Because "Bachelor in Pardise" is a show about a bunch of half-naked people arguing, mouth-plowing, and getting their asses blurred, that's why.
On this episode, beyond the children stuff (which we'll get to later), we got the full story of all the medical issue cliffhangers from the previous rose ceremony. People were almost passing out, having panic attacks, all because they didn't "win" a reality TV show.
Remember how we literally just said they explained all the health issues from the last episode? Yeah, they didn't. This show has a real way with never explaining the juiciest of mysteries -- though, we suppose we finally learned what was up with Chris's (not Harrison) hairline.
We'll just have to assume (incorrectly) that the two women who needed medical attention just so happened to get the poisoned drinks in the ongoing game of "Which Drinks Are Poisoned?" the people on the beach have been playing for weeks.
Chris Harrison Shows His Perfect Face
Everyone was expecting a new guy with a date card, but instead they were treated to Chris Harrison's perfect voice, explaining that he needed to prove to them that it is possible to find love on the show (even though he already showed them a proposal in the last episode). So in walks these alums: Carly, Evan, Jade, and Tanner. They have kids now.
On one hand, that's nice they found love and had kids. On the other hand, they will someday have to deal with the kids finding and watching their seasons of this show. We do not envy anyone having that conversation with their children.
Anyway, the four of them got to choose who would get the next date, so that's kind of why they were there, too, other than just to parade their brood on the classiest of television shows. Here's how their "couple" interviews went, as everyone paired off and had to convince Carly, Evan, Jade, and Tanner that they deserved the date.
Jordan and Jenna: Despite having already been on a f-----g date, these two goofballs tried their damnedest to get another. "We're a couple," Jordan says. "It'd be nice to get away and press the launch button on everything." They were also asked if they saw a proposal at the end of this, Jordan was like hell yeah and Jenna agreed but was freaking out about it. On whether or not they wanted kids, Jordan wants a little "mini-me" and a "mini-her."
Kevin and Astrid: Apparently they have a 12-month plan where they'll be sitting opposite where they are now, as the ones handing out the date cards. Cute.
Kamil and Annaliese: Kamil said he thinks Annaliese is beautiful and likes her a lot, but wants it to slow down a little bit because he's not ready for kids and marriage yet. Annaliese wanted to support the things he was saying, but was deep down just losing her mind that he didn't feel as strongly for her as she did him at the moment.
Olivia and John: John was asked how many girls he'd kissed in paradise. And let us tell you, the dude has been kissing everyone, despite how much he makes us want to take a nap. His answer? "Oh my goodness," he said boringly, looking at Olivia who was waiting to hear his response but playing it off like she was OK with whatever he was about to say. "There were six others," he said. Olivia chimes in, "I'm seven." Fun! This is a fun show.
Shushanna and Jordan (Kiwi): They had just met, and Jordan had to make a rose decision in an hour, but they were still asked if they thought the show might end in a proposal for them. Naw.
Eric and Cassandra: Eric was in the middle of his "cheese" metaphor he's been shoving down everyone's throats all season, so it had no bearing on anything.
Chris (N.H.) and Krystal: Chris said they were most deserving because they have told each other they're falling for each other, but something outside of "these walls" (like it's a prison) might help them get to the next level. This is a man who calls himself "Goose." Just a reminder.
Kendall and Joe: Kendall was asked that if Joe was something in the produce aisle, what would he be -- and she said something that "bruises easily" because he's a hypochondriac and goes to the nurse every day. He confirmed this.
The new parents chose Kendall and Joe for the date!
It turns out, however, that the date was actually for the parents, and that Kendall and Joe had to watch their kids. Ha ha! Gotcha! Classic.
Kendall and Joe had to build a crib, work together, and care for some kids. If you're wondering, yes the kids (real baby humans) were used as props for this segment.
The real heroes? The babies. They were adorable and unaware of the surprise they were going to get in 15 years when they find out what show they were on as infants.
Yes, all the kids cried. Yes, the show made it seem like Joe didn't know what he was doing. In reality, those kids probably had 15 handlers and were just fine outside of the 3 minutes of crying on camera.
The parents came back and Kendall and Joe survived, and also earned a real date.
Kendall and Joe's Real Date
Exhausted, they took some time together in town and got real about their relationship. Joe mentioned he's afraid of commitment and of hurting someone, but maybe that was all behind him, because he would've been backpedaling with Kendall already.
Kendall, who recently went on a date with Leo and put Joe through hell, liked hearing that he liked her so much, so they high-fived with their tongues.
Jordan And Jenna Talk Baby Names
Apparently Jordan hates the name "Tucker," which is what Jenna would name a son. That's pretty on-brand for him. This wasn't a plot developing segment, so that's all you need to know.
Annaliese Is Setting Herself Up For Heartbreak Again
Annaliese and Kamil are on two wildly different levels with each other, and we're pretty sure Annaliese is going overboard with her feelings out of sheer will for trying to make it work. She's gone through some shit this season, but that'll be nothing compared to what happens if she stays this clingy to Kamil, who is definitely someone not looking for something serious.
How Eric treated Angela this season, along with how he's currently treating Cassandra, is bizarre and borderline offensive. We're pretty sure the producers are making Cassandra claim she could still be into him, because there's no way someone could be into a guy who's all over the map like Eric. They even had a chat about where they stood with each other, and whether or not it was romantic, and Eric kept floating in and out of saying they barely friends because they only went on one date. Like, what?
Cassandra said it best: they weren't there to find best friends, and that Eric probably wasn't even ready for a relationship at all. She added that he had a lot of growing up to do "within himself" which was a classy way of saying "you're immature and quit wasting my time."
Eric wandered off, struggling with the idea that he could really really want a relationship, but not really be ready for it. So quit f-----g with women, man, and figure your shit out without some sort of cheese metaphor that nobody can follow!
Instead of doing that, though, he wandered around the beach until he ran into Kevin, and had a chat. Ultimately, he wasn't sure he should be in paradise. So he left.
Cassandra wasn't too heartbroken over it. Neither were we.
Christal Gets Serious
Chris (not Harrison) and Krystal (which, combined, makes Christal) had a brief little intro where they were like ohhhh man we need a date card to go to the next level! So they got one like two minutes later.
Anyway, remember when Chris f----d over Tia by kissing Krystal while making promises to Tia? We couldn't care less if these two are actually in love or not.
Truth Or Dare
So some of the folks not on a date were sitting around a campfire playing truth or dare, as grown adults do. First up, Jordan (Kiwi) dared Olivia and John to recreate the hot pepper kiss from a previous season, but he whipped out a jalapeno like it was even close to a habanero in spiciness.
And they did it! Leave it to John to make a literal hot kiss super boring, though. There were seeds everywhere and it was gross.
Next up was Shushanna, who chose "truth" from Annaliese. Did she believe in love at first sight? Yes. Was there anyone there she wished she could have kissed? Yes.
Then Kamil tells the producers that he always catches Shushanna staring at him like an owl.
Someone then asked if anyone had another Truth or Dare question, and Shushanna speaks up and says, "Have you ever wanted to kill someone?" She laughed about it.
And thus began the Great Bachelor In Paradise Literal Witch Hunt 2018.
Did Chris tell Krystal he loved her? Yep. But not before getting interrupted by an actual raccoon. He was mid-love speech when it happened. He then tried to jump back into it, but the moment was gone for anyone who cared. But yes, he did tell her.
How did she take it? Just fine. She told him she loved him too. Moving on.
Back To The Great Bachelor In Paradise Literal Witch Hunt 2018
Annaliese started of the segment by saying she noticed that Shushanna almost never leaves her and Kamil alone -- she's always watching and nearby. Annaliese hated it.
Meanwhile, Jordan (Kiwi) got a date card and Shushanna turned him down because she still wanted Kamil, who was totally not into her. So Jordan took Cassandra on the date instead.
After turning Jordan (Kiwi) down, Shushanna went and found Kamil to tell him how she felt. He flat-out told her he felt no connection with her, what-so-ever. All she did was stare at him and smile, because she didn't believe him.
Kamil then went and told Annaliese that he was afraid that Shushanna was giving him evil stares, and that he hoped she wasn't casting a spell on them. He called her a witch.
Which, unhinged or not, seems a little much to call a person who has feelings like every other human.
Annaliese then went to talk to Shushanna to put her foot down. Shushanna kept using phrases like "right now" when referring to how Kamil felt, and this set Annaliese off. She said that Kamil had been totally clear, and that Shushanna needed to back the hell off. Then Annaliese brought up the witchcraft.
For real, she brought it up!
Come on, Annaliese. We were with you on this one even though you have been pretty overboard with Kamil, but that was out of line. What a hurtful thing to say to someone, and Shushanna was in tears over it. Calling people names hurts.
Diggy, from Rachel's season of "The Bachelorette," was the newest meat popsicle to waltz into paradise. We hope he can find love in the handful of weeks left! He's at a serious disadvantage.
So he talks to Shushanna and she unveils all her baggage, and that makes him not want to take her -- so he sets his sights on Olivia, who has been with the Personified Sunday Afternoon Golf Match, John (really boring, lots of money involved, great for naps). Olivia accepted.
Jordan (Kiwi) And Cassandra Have Margaritas At A Regular Beach Restaurant?
Olivia was in mid-conversation with Shushanna about how Shush was probably regretting not going on the date with Jordan The Kiwi. That's when the show cut to said date... and it looked like the crew didn't even bring set lighting to the regular-ass restaurant where he and Cassandra were drinking margaritas. It almost looked like they filmed none of it and decided they needed to recreate it months later in a touristy part of California.
It was weird and we thought you should know!
Diggy And Olivia's Date
It looked like Diggy and Olivia actually got the date budget that Jordan (Kiwi) and Cassandra didn't. They had the lighting, the ambiance, and the alone-time. They made out, even though she claimed John was in the back of her head. Probably in the part of the brain that controls the chemicals that put people to sleep!
If you haven't realized, we think John is probably an OK person, but he's boring on TV. Stick around, because we'll probably say it every chance we get until this season is over.
Everyone Keeps Calling Shushanna A Witch
Yeah, Shushanna burned a photo of Kamil, but that was definitely set up by the producers. We just wish everyone would stop calling Shushanna a witch, because that's mean.
But boy does she not make the weird vibes go away easily. She tried to tell Jordan (Kiwi) that once he was gone on the date, she regretted not going. Jordan was like no thanks, so Shushanna went off and cried.
See you at the two-night finale next week!
Episode Yacht Count: 0
Total Yacht Count: 2
"Bachelor in Paradise" airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.