'Bachelor in Paradise' Finale -- Part 1: Strongest Couples Split as Other Lovers Board Train to Plow Town

Shoutout to ABC for the worst programming schedule on the planet as we watch 'Bachelor in Paradise' at 5 a.m. on a Tuesday morning!

"Bachelor in Paradise" aired part one of its two-part finale Monday night, and we'd like to take a quick moment to thank ABC for making it so damn hard to watch!

Not only did ABC decide to sell the rights to air the episode on ABC affiliates that only a handful of fans have as part of their cable package, but they didn’t even stream it live on their website.

Why? Because of football. Apparently "Monday Night Football" is still a thing! Who knew? We thought after the recent Nike decision that angry fans decided to cancel it altogether in a whiny huff.

The best part, though, is that because ABC couldn’t stream the football game live (because the NFL is the absolute worst at being flexible with their rights), ABC was streaming some strange cooking show nobody on the planet has ever seen before. It looked like Local Access Programming, but somehow wasn’t.

In short: Do better, ABC, and Colin Kaepernick is the man.

Back to the show.

More Witches

Well, honestly, we had forgotten all about last week's major plot of everyone ganging up on Shushanna and calling her a witch until she cried, because we do not think about this show when it's not on. It was hot garbage because she's a human being with feelings, regardless of how weird she was acting.

It wasn’t kind. So of course the show kicked off the finale with more of it!

Kamil found out that Shushanna burned a picture of him, but that was definitely set up by the producers so we’re not really sure why he’s all that worried.

John Finds a Date Card

But thank goodness, it was not for him.

It was for Jordan! Model Jordan, not Kiwi Jordan. And he asked Jenna right away if she would go. She said yes, of course.

Jordan And Jenna Get Shot On Their Date

Going on vacation has the potential to be dangerous no matter where you're traveling, but Jordan and Jenna were lucky that nothing actually happened to them while a photographer "shot" them on their date. We tricked you! Nobody died or was actually shot.

Anyway, J&J went on their date where a photographer was waiting to give them an engagement photo session. Jordan, being a model, and Jenna, basically being a model, were naturals -- even if the idea of getting engaged made Jenna all nervous and giggly. She admitted that she’s nervous about the shoot, Jordan, and probably not being ready to get engaged.

But she said it all in a way where while she’s apprehensive, she might be on the path to doing all those things! Then they put her in a wedding dress.

The good news is: she did it! And she met up with Jordan as they both looked hella beautiful in their wedding best. She sat him down and admitted that she was freaking out a bit because it was the first time she’d ever put a wedding dress on (isn’t it bad luck for him to see her in that dress before the wedding, anyway?). He told her he never felt this way about anyone before, and that seemed to win her over.

Then they ruined both outfits in the water.

The Show Takes One Last Shot at Jordan

We’re glad the producers knew that their best asset this season was Jordan and the ridiculous things that come out of his mouth, because that means we got plenty of him. We just wish they wouldn’t torture him for ratings, because at this point that’s exactly what they’re doing.

They sent in Robby from last season’s "BiP" to make a move on Jenna, even though this is the second-to-last episode of the season! Also, Robby is a "social media influencer" which is one of those jobs that will go away pretty quickly in the future and all previous "social media influencers" will be left unskilled and unhirable.

Robby waltzed into the compound with a date card and a shitty "I can take whoever I want" attitude, and we’re not sure how he was ever a runner up on a season of "The Bachelorette." Jordan takes one look at him and says, "Here comes the Crypt Keeper."

We guess his reputation preceded him, because almost all the women were grossed out (Robby apparently cheated on his love from paradise, Amanda, after the show) -- except Shushanna, who at this point needed whoever she could get.

Pulling Jenna to talk, she immediately told him it probably wouldn’t be a good idea because Jordan would "peel his skin off and cook it," which is a hilarious thing to say and perfectly describes the amount of jealousy lurking inside that blonde model.

So she turned him down! But that wasn’t enough for Jordan.

Jordan Confronts Robby for Asking Jenna on a Date

All it took for Jordan to lose his mind was for Robby to ask Jenna on the date, which she turned down.

Calling himself the "big bad wolf," he certainly stormed up to Robby with the intention of blowing his house right down. But guess what! It was all smoke and mirrors set up by the show, because once Jordan expressed how he felt about Jenna and the situation, Robby was like, "I don’t have a problem with that."

So Robby asked Shushanna on the date in a "I guess everyone else is taken except you" kind of way.

Shushanna and Robby’s Date

We were not really that invested in either Shushanna or Robby, but a champagne bottle did explode for no reason while Shu was waiting for Robby at the bar, which was weird. Of course Jordan and Jenna assumed it was witchcraft, but why would she use her energy and power on that? Seems silly.

Then, on their date, Robby kept getting hit with falling berries. Like, why would she waste her powers on that, either? We don’t buy it.

Shu, unfortunately, didn’t know about Robby’s past infidelity with Amanda, so she did not get the full story from Robby who conveniently left that part out. Shu went on to say that she fully trusted him and, honestly, that was a mistake.

Weirdly enough, though, they DID NOT show them plowin’ mouths. We wonder if she agreed to go on the date and say all those things, but drew the line with the producers on the neckin’ because she really did know about what he did to women in the past.

Kiwi Jordan and Cassandra Smooch

Hurry up, the season’s almost over!

Being two of the show’s most recent additions, we're like, okay great, but don’t force it if it’s not there, guys. Which is what it seemed like right before their lips touched, then it was probably nice for both of them even if an entire crew was telling them, "OKAY! DO IT NOW!"

Joe And Kendall Are Both Scared

Commitment is tough for some people! What if there’s something better out there? What if you get your heart broken? What if you break THEIR heart? It’s all very scary, but if you truly want to find someone, you just have to get over it.

Joe started off this segment saying that he came into paradise afraid of commitment, and found the one other person in there that was just as terrified of it as he was. But it was time to tell Kendall how he felt.

Then he did it in a way where it was kinda joke-y, but kinda not, and it put Kendall in a weird mood, and she went to bed leaving it feeling awkward.

The Rose Ceremony

Before we actually get into the rose ceremony, which promised not to be dramatic at all because only Olivia had any kind of choice to make, we need to point out that Diggy brought in a trumpeter to woo her in a romantic gesture, and John killed a bunch of sunflowers and shoved them into the sand to try and do the same.

We did not care which of them went home.

Also, someone told Shu that Robby was a big fat cheater so she had to have that conversation with him -- he claimed he didn’t cheat on Amanda, and Shusanna believed him.

And then Joe had a talk with Kendall, who was now saying that while she loved him, she didn’t know if she was IN love with him. Joe just couldn’t win. After weathering both Leo and John, his feelings just weren’t going to be reciprocated.

Look, we’re not saying it’s her fault this is how she feels —- that’s whatever. She can feel how she wants or needs! But from Joe’s perspective, if she’s not in it, he shouldn’t waste his time. And he agreed with us, because he decided to go home. He made it almost the entire way through the show, then quit. Good for him, though, because it wasn’t right.

Honestly, HE should have been the next Bachelor. Forget Colton, give us socially awkward Joe!

So who else went home?

Kendall, for one. She got in a car, crying because she just destroyed Joe -- claiming it was his fault for not telling her how he felt sooner(?) -- and talking about how she was going to miss him.

Also, Diggy went home, and John got another shot at giving us the best naps of our lives.

Chris (Harrison) Shows Up with News

Chris (Harrison) walks in and tells everyone to meet him for some news. He drops the bomb that there isn’t a week left in paradise -- that "tomorrow is the last day." The good news is that nobody else is arriving, but the bad news is that decisions are going to have to be made faster than everyone thought.

"Tonight are the Fantasy Suites," he said. Too bad Colton left before he could ask more ridiculous questions about them (anybody watch the last season of "The Bachelorette"?). Basically, you either head to the Fantasy Suite and "take it to the next level" or you go home because the show is over anyway.

Here's how that shook out:

John told Olivia he wasn’t ready for the Fantasy Suite, but he still wanted to keep “hanging out” with her and see where things go. She agreed. Good thing it didn’t last longer because our jaws would have locked from the one, very long yawn we let out during the whole clip.

Jordan (Kiwi) and Cassandra parted ways, even though she wanted to see where it would go outside of paradise. He did not.

Robby and Shushanna decided not to go to the Fantasy Suite after just 48 hours, but he wants to take her on a date "when he’s in Utah."

Kamil and Annaliese, despite the show’s best efforts to throw us off again with Kamil’s hesitation, decided to board the train to Plow Town and get off at the Fantasy Suites station.

Krystal and Chris (Not Harrison) didn’t even need to discuss it, they were also boarding the train to Plow Town.

Jordan (Model) and Jenna also make the easy decision to board the train to Plow Town.

Kevin and Astrid, the strongest couple on the island, had the hardest moment. Right off the bat Kevin said he was having a mental breakdown and a terrible day about the decision. It was all grounded in the fact that he’s been in a Fantasy Suite twice before, and each one ended horribly.

Then, instead of saying "let’s try this without the Fantasy Suite," he BROKE UP WITH HER. He said something about him being at 80 percent and there were just feelings in the bottom of his gut. She, like the rest of us, said, "What the actual f--k, man," and saw that Kevin was probably scarred irrevocably by these shows and should probably stop going on them.

Astrid then went home. Why would she stick around for that? There are a lot of things we like about Kevin, he just seems... broken. So he went home too.

The Overnight Dates

Everyone seemed a little nervous, and we’re not sure if that was just the producers telling them to act like that so the cliffhangers would get the audience to come back and see how things shook out.

The only thing that really stood out to us leading into these dates was Krystal saying that she was nervous about getting engaged because she had never really seen herself getting married.

Then why are you going on these shows? Why did you go on "The Bachelor," where the goal is quite literally to get engaged and married to somebody?

Oh, and Kamil told Annaliese that he’s falling in love with her. For some reason though, and maybe it’s just her over-eagerness about the relationship (or the fact that he speaks English as a second language and something is getting lost in translation), we just don’t really buy it.

Jordan also told Jenna that he’s in love with her, but everyone knew that already. Jenna, however, said it back and that was a nice surprise.

Then, Krystal blindfolded Chris (not Harrison, but we would pay to see this happen to him instead) and ran what we can only assume is a goose feather up and down his bare chest.

It sounds like we’re joking, because we’ve been making crap up like that all season, but we are not.

See you after the finale -- Part 2!

Episode Yacht Count: 0

Total Yacht Count: 2

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