Ups and downs, drowned stuffed dogs, and Grocery Joe not finding love. It's been a season, all right. But it's all over after tonight. (Yesssssssss.)
For a show supposedly about people trying to find love, it really seemed like nobody was trying to find love on "Bachelor in Paradise" -- except Annaliese, who was going to find love at all costs, even if she had to level the world to find it.
Most everyone was on the show to make out with other pretty people and have a little vacation and a D-list celebrity status for the rest of their lives.
Wait a second, we didn't see Yuki at all in the last episode -- we hope Wells didn't turn her into a drink and feed her to the scantily clad dorks roaming the beach. And neither Wells nor Yuki showed up for the reunion portion of the show, so we hope he isn't in prison for turning people into drinks.
Anyway, did the show claim anyone found love this season? Let's find out, because three couples should be returning from Plow Town any moment now.
But First: It's Been So Nice Without Colton And Tia
Remember Colton and Tia? They left a few episodes ago, and we couldn't be happier. It's a shame we had to see them again tonight, and have everyone rub it in our faces that Colton is going to be the next Bachelor. They actually didn't mention Colton being the next Bachelor at all, but you could feel it.
At least once this show is over we'll have a nice break before we have to stare down Colton again!
Chris Harrison Claims This Has Been The Best Season Yet
Is that true?
We have no idea! We'll let you in on a secret: this is the first time we've watched this show, despite sounding like a flawless authority on the shared Bachelor Universe.
If you go back and read the recaps we've written, it'll be tough, but all the signs are there that we didn't know what the f--k was happening the entire season.
What Happened With Chris (Not Harrison) And Krystal
Can villains find love? After going on war paths on both the "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette," both Chris and Krystal toned down their bullshit and started to focus on each other, and growing their own love for each other.
So, did Chris (NOT HARRISON) propose in the worst pants we've ever seen?
First, Chris told Krystal that despite their time there not being smooth sailing the entire time, he was now a better man because of her. Then he almost ruined the moment by tricking her when he said he didn't want to leave holding her hand... BUT wanted to leave "holding her heart."
Which is pretty metal, by the way. Oh, he meant metaphorically? OK.
Then he proposed! She said yes! Neat.
Two wrongs CAN make a right.
What Happened With Jenna And Jordan
Jenna and Jordan have been the wackiest couple this whole season. We were hoping Jordan would get down on his knee and propose, just because we wanted to hear the ridiculous words come out of his mouth. There was no way he'd do it in any kind of normal fashion.
He kept claiming he "only gets engaged once." So, did he propose?
First, Jenna started swearing and saying she was freaking out. Then she got it together and told Jordan he slayed all her demons, and that he's all she's ever wanted.
Jordan said he now believes in love in first sight, and wanted to take on the world with her.
And he didn't say it in a weird way! And she said yes!
And then they mouth-plowed right in front of Poseidon and his army of dolphins! Neat.
What Happened With Annaliese And Kamil
Annaliese and Kamil woke up next to each other, very happy, and shrouded in mystery about what Kamil was going to do about their relationship. Did he propose? Did he throw her into the ocean as a joke? Did he accidentally fart, wiping out the crabs on the beach?
First, Annaliese put her heart out there. Then, Kamil told her he loved her, but he was not ready to get engaged. He was definitely reading it off a piece a paper on the rose stand -- but don't fault him, English isn't his first language.
Anyway, no, he didn't propose, and you could see Annaliese's heart sink straight into the sand, though she claimed to "totally agree" with him. Neat.
The Whole Cast Joins Chris (Harrison)
Here are the rapid fire highlights, because it moved so fast it was annoying to stop and take detailed notes, so we didn't:
- Chris Harrison talked to John about all his kissing, and that John and Olivia were no longer together. They were on the right track, but then John didn't want to do the long distance thing. Neat.
- Eric kept up the ridiculous charade about his feelings for Angela (who was having none of it), but ended up apologizing in the end for being terrible and blaming her.
- Benoit and Jordan were at each other's throats, with Jordan being the clear, and weird, winner. Jordan said Benoit's connection with Jenna was one of comfort and that Benoit was just like all the rest, and then he said that his connection made her feel uncomfortable, because he was out of this world. Jordan even said that if there's a fly in your face, you try and bat it away. Benoit was that fly.
- Tia and Colton are just friends. Don't care.
- David and Jordan are friends now, too, after talking it out on the beach.
Kevin And Astrid Relive The Heartbreak
Astrid still had no clue what happened, and was hoping seeing the breakup clip would give her an answer. She had no idea, though, and couldn't totally move on until she figured it out -- so, they've been in contact since the show and are in a weird "limbo" as far as a relationship goes.
And Bibiana has been her unofficial therapist? Sweet, we miss Bibiana.
So then Kevin walks out, right? He sits down and blames the Fantasy Suite and what that term means to him. Having been in Fantasy Suites before and each time having the relationship never work out, we kind of understand. But he didn't have to destroy Astrid in the process, because we'll say it: Astrid was the only sane, normal person on this show. It's no wonder they had her narrate so many segments.
Anyway, Kevin said he wants to pursue her, and hopes they can see where things go.
Astrid said, again, her trust is broken. How does he know now and not back then? Kevin said he went back to therapy and it was leaving that brought him the clarity. He took responsibility for all of it.
They said they were in love with each other! Neat.
Grocery Joe And Kendall Come Face To Face
Kendall and Joe. What do we say? We were rooting for Joe despite Kendall kissin' John and making huge mistakes with Leo. Joe loved her, so we automatically had to root for her too, right?
Well, if you remember, she did a 180 after Joe started talking about engagements in his awkward-yet-endearing way, and broke up with him the next day. She blamed him and claimed she didn't know how he felt. Everyone was like, ugh, really? Eyeroll City.
So Kendall sat down with Chris (not the guy who calls himself The Goose), and Chris put her on blast with very normal questions like, "What went wrong?" and "The whole world hates you for what you did to Joe, so who do you think you are?"
Okay maybe just the first question. She said she regretted it all, and she should have chased after him. But guess what? She did! It was just later, in Chicago.
In Chi-Town, she admitted she was wrong to Joe, and that none of it was justification, but she was still in love with him. He didn't know if he could get to that place again, and was honest that he didn't know if it was going to happen or not or if he could even actually trust her.
So what has happened since Chicago? Joe came out to explain. They're back in love, and happy about it. Neat.
The best part is that Chris Harrison told Joe he was going to help him get closer to Kendall, and by that he meant that Joe has a spot on "Dancing With The Stars," which is in LA near Kendall. He accepted! And he doesn't even know how to dance.
Are The Final 3 Couples Still Together?
Annaliese and Kamil: Annaliese sat down and said she and Kamil were in a good spot, long distance is hard, and they're not engaged yet. Kamil came out and broke up with her.
Brutal. On TV bro? Bro? Bro.
She was shocked, and said they had just booked an AirB&B to spend the week together just the day before. Bro? Broooo. Bro. You didn't have to do that if you were about to end it. Come on.
Annaliese, we suspect, was always more in the relationship because it was a relationship than truly having mad feelings for Kamil, but we still don't want to see her upset! If any ounce of this is real, and Kamil orchestrated this with producers, then we're done. We're canceling "Bachelor in Paradise" forever, because surprise! We have that power.
(We don't have that power.)
She then stormed off the stage, and cameras followed her as she started to cry and Kamil kept talking. Then, in a moment of clarity, Annaliese came back out and laid down the motherf--king law. She said she tried to break up with him two weeks ago and HE wanted to stay together. Now she knows he just wanted to do it in front of everyone.
Then Chris Harrison kicked Kamil off the stage. Not like, physically, but that would've been funny to watch too.
Jordan and Jenna: Jordan joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat, right next to Jenna, and said that things have been hard, but good. It's mostly the distance that sucks.
In a clip, they built a vision board together, and they seem oddly perfect. Like two immature people who are still functional despite being so immature. She even said Jordan is "brilliant, wonderful, and terrible." Yep.
Then, despite a question about kids, Jordan asked Chris Harrison to officiate their wedding next year, and he accepted, because 100 percent it'll be a part of next season. They did NOT admit that they were going to have a baby, though, which is what seemed like was going to happen after the question about kids and how Jordan dodged it.
Chris (Not Harrison) and Krystal: Chris (not Harrison) came out crying because he's so happy, and that despite things being tough, is so thankful for the process and how he ended up with Krystal. He also said something about shutting down his "hard shell" (which means stopping being a dildo about everything) after a conversation with Krystal because she was going to leave him and nobody wanted to be his friend.
So he changed! Just like that. Can you believe it? We can't! We can't. We actually can't. We'll never forget how he treated Becca on "The Bachelorette," and this all just seems to be his last stop on his apology tour.
Then the show had Chris (never Harrison... until it is) meet her "family," which was just her dogs, and OK. Neat.
Then Chris (Harrison. See? Didn't have to wait long.) gave them a crystal goose. Get it? Krystal + Goose? Haaaaaaaa.
Why are they calling these bloopers? Google defines "bloopers" as: 1. An embarrassing error or 2. A weakly hit fly ball landing just beyond the reach of the infielders.
These clips were neither.
Then we found a different definition that better suits this joke referred specifically to scripted productions. Since they're just funny deleted scenes from reality TV and they have nothing to do with a scripted production.... Wait a second, did we just catch producers inadvertently confirming the show is scripted?
We did it. And it only took us one season and more than 20 hours of TV.
What are we doing with our lives?
Thanks for reading!
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Total Season Yacht Count: 2
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View Photos ABC 'Bachelor in Paradise' Finale: Are Any of These Goofballs Still Together?