"The 70th Primetime Emmys are September 17th, hosted by Colin Jost and Michael Che, and they've made some changes," Ellen began. "It's on Monday instead of Sunday. Also this year, if your acceptance speech goes too long, Cardi B will throw her shoe at you."
Ellen laughed so much during the sketch, the other two could barely keep it together.
Colin read the next headline, saying, "New research shows that one in seven adults have tried electronic cigarettes -- a group known collectively as DJs."
Michael read the following: "A ventriloquist in Illinois was arrested for distributing anti-government propaganda at Starbucks. They're trying to make a case against him, but his accomplice refuses to talk."
Ellen broke character once again before her next pitch. "France recently banned the use of cellphones for children in schools," she said. "According to one French official, it's important for kids to have their hands free to smoke."
It was Colin's turn again. "This week, a 64-year-old man set a record for consuming his 30,000th McDonald's Big Mac," he said. "The record is for longest suicide attempt."
"A man in Germany is claiming to set a Guinness World Record for most body piercings," Michael clumsily read off the teleprompter. "Unfortunately, his story has a few holes."
The audience's response to the joke was lackluster because Michael claimed he hadn't practiced it earlier, so Ellen gave him the opportunity for a do-over. After reading the headline a second time, Ellen pointed out, "same amount of laughs."
"Several parents complained when a kindergarten back-to-school event featured a pole dancer," she then said. "Let me rephrase that. Several mothers complained when a kindergarten back-to-school event featured a pole dancer."
"Pinterest -- any Pinterest fans here?" Colin said, eliciting a loud response from the audience. "Sorry, I should've asked, 'Are there any white women here?'"
"Pinterest has a new feature that makes it more accessible to blind people," he went on to say, "even though one of the only perks of being blind is that you never have to look at anyone's Pinterest board."