"Right now, you're standing there like a pile of shit," Teresa's coach says to her after three-and-a-half months of training.
But we're getting ahead of ourselves. The entire episode was actually quite entertaining. Jackie Goldschneider, who told TooFab she and Melissa Gorga were instant BFFs, brought her four kids over to play with Melissa's four kids. Jackie has two sets of twins. Talk about viewer birth control.
But one of Jackie's little ones was particularly precious, barging through the front door and yelling, "Can I pet your dog?!" before even saying hello. Very, very relatable.
Then Danielle Staub -- in typical Danielle Staub fashion -- ripped into Margaret Josephs after the latter informed her she would be going to Dolores Catania's literal hatchet-throwing party with the other Housewives. In case you weren't aware, Danielle and Dolores hate each other, so Danielle was not invited.
"She invited me to this thing--" Margaret began to explain before Danielle interrupted. "And you coulda said, 'No, I'm not coming because that will make Danielle very upset and very hurt. It'll hurt her!'" she yelled. "Because you coulda said, 'This would hurt me if the tables were turned.' You coulda said anything but, 'Yes, I'll come.'"
Margaret calmly tried to explain to Danielle that she wouldn't be bothered if she were in her shoes because she's a grown woman, and grown women don't tell each other who they can and can't hang out with (we're paraphrasing here). But Danielle wasn't having it. She stood up, dramatically walked away, dramatically walked back and yelled, "What is it that you two really have in common? You cheated on your husband, and she got cheated on?"
How Margaret didn't lunge over the table and assault Danielle is beyond us. Danielle ended up walking away in tears, telling Margaret she was "done."
And then we met Jennifer Aydin, the other new addition to the show. After managing to weasel her way out of the arranged marriage her parents had in store for her, Jennifer married a Turkish plastic surgeon and now lives in the most "spectacular" mansion in Jersey: nine bedrooms, a movie theater, a gym, a spa, 16 bathrooms and an indoor basketball court.
And for our second dose of birth control this evening, we got to meet Jennifer's five children, who each took turns asking their mother what was for dinner (it was roasted chicken), then each took turns saying they hated roasted chicken.
But even more insane was Jennifer's husband, who she warned us was very traditional. We didn't exactly know how traditional until she brought up to him that Margaret had invited her and the girls to Oklahoma for the weekend. "I hope you told them no," Bill said.
Jennifer said she had already committed. "Without discussing?" Bill asked.
"Honey, what am I gonna say? My husband doesn't let me go?" Jennifer shot back. (Yes, queen.) "It's for three days. It's not really a big deal."
"I know, but now I will have to be home earlier, and I have to accommodate the kids into my schedule now," he actually replied. We get he's a very busy man with a very important job, but he also did sign up to have kids -- and care for them. Just sayin'.
Bill eventually "let" Jennifer go, and she thanked him.
Then we caught up with Teresa, who's been training for three-and-a-half months for an upcoming bikini competition. (It's like a bodybuilding competition, but not as bulky.)
Before Teresa even got into her tiny bikini, her coach, Tracey, was down her throat about whether she's been doing all her cardio and eating the right foods. Her trainer, who we met last week, was standing close by. She looked just as nervous as Teresa.
"K, here's my assessment," Tracey said. (By the way, Teresa looked phenomenal.) "You're not tight enough. I need this a little bit leaner, lose a little bit more here, I need you a little bit leaner in the arm -- just leaner everywhere."
"Should I get a rib taken out?" Teresa said, trying to make light of the situation.
"It ain't no joke," Tracey shot back. "You can't be bullshitting on your cardio because you need to get up on stage, wearing dental floss, looking the best you can be. Because right now, you're standing there like a pile of shit."
A pile of shit?! we ask ourselves as we open a bag of Hot Cheetos.
Things got wild at Teresa's house a few days later when the whole family gathered for Easter. As Teresa explained, the holidays have been very "emotional" for her and her father since her mother passed away. So before Melissa and Joe arrived, "Nonno" drank two bottles of wine -- and it showed. He yelled at Joe, saying he should be ashamed of himself for not coming around more often. Teresa joined in on the antagonizing, and the situation escalated.
Trying to diffuse the situation, Joe said he was swamped with work and always stressed. Teresa ripped him for always having the same excuse.
"You got a big mouth sometimes," Joe said to her after they moved into another room. "You gotta defend me, you son of a bitch!"
In walks Gia (can you believe she's 17 already?) to back up her mom.
"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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