We are not exaggerating when we say this might be the best episode in "Jersey Shore" history.
Thursday's "Jersey Shore: Family Vacation" will go down in history.
With a pregnant Deena Cortese back in town, the girls decided to do a low-key, "classy" wine night. They drank, they ate "17 pounds of cheese," they laughed, they had a jolly time. But on their way out of the restaurant, a guy in white linen pants (never trust a guy in white linen pants) called Deena fat. Yes, you read that correctly.
When the news got to Jenni "JWoww" Farley, she turned around and stormed back inside. She wanted blood.
"Oh, hell no!" she told the camera. "You can come after me all day, but the moment you talk about my friends, game over. I will annihilate you."
Jenni charged at the dude and pressed him: "Were you just making fun of a pregnant girl?!" Without hesitation, he replied, "I was. I did. I called her fat."
"You're a piece of shit! You're a f--king bitch, bro!" she shouted in his face. White linen pants called Jenni a bitch, then suggested she should come party with him (smooth).
"You wanna get whooped by a f--kin bitch?! This is what's wrong with America. Piece of shits like you going after pregnant girls," Jenni added before the girls managed to pull her away. "He's lucky that I'm full of brie and have Louboutins on."
Back at the house, the girls told the guys what had happened. They were all disgusted, but Pauly D was especially peeved.
The next night, the group got decked out and headed to a fancy sushi spot for family dinner/dancing, hoping to have a better time than they had the night before. Lo and behold, they get to the restaurant, and Vinny Guadagnino spots a distant cousin. While they were exchanging hellos, it occurred to Jenni that she had seen the guy's face before. He was one of white linen pant guy's friends -- even though Vinny's cousin made sure to clarify, "He's not my friend."
To make matters worse, white linen pants was actually seated at the bar. He turned around and flashed the group a douchey smile. Everyone was floored. Then Angelina Pivarnick realized she knew the girl who was with him. She was someone from her past who she's never gotten along with. "Every time we're out, she tries to f--king fight me," Angelina told the group. "She's a stripper. Like, literally strips for a living."
White linen pants and his douchey smile then got up and walked over to where the group was sitting. He said hello to Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, shook his hand and proceeded to talk about a mutual friend they have. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi lost it and told the "f--king turd" to "get the f--k away." The turd shouted some obscenities right back but eventually went back to the bar. Poor Mike tried desperately to keep the situation calm because he was on federal probation.
The group eventually decided to leave the table and go upstairs to avoid any further run-ins with white linen pants and alleged stripper. Ronnie went to the bathroom.
Guess who followed the group upstairs?! You guessed it. White linen pants. He walked up to where the group was seated and flipped them off -- multiple times. Pauly had had enough.
"WHAT'S UP, COUSIN? WHAT'S UP, COUSIN? WHAT'S UP, MY GUY? YOU WANT SOMETHING, MY GUY?" Pauly shouted as he made his way from the couch to the guy's face in four seconds flat. His veins were bulging (so hot). He was not messing around.
"YOU DON'T WANT SOMETHING, MY GUY!" Pauly kept shouting as security escorted the man away. The girls and the rest of the bar patrons shouted, "Pau-ly! Pau-ly! Pau-ly!" It was awesome.
At this point, Ronnie was just making his way out of the bathroom. He missed the whole ordeal, but guess who was waiting for him outside the bathroom? (This guy is an actual cockroach.)
"Is that gold?" white linen pants said to Ron as he leaned in and touched his chain. "I don't wear gold, even though I have more money than you. I don't show. Anybody that shows, you know what they call 'em? They call 'em a no-show. You're shit. You're nothing. I honestly wear nothing, and I'm very proud of it." It was painfully obvious this man just wanted his 15 minutes.
"Just like nothing calls pregnant girls fat chicks, right? That's what you do?" Ron said, to which white linen pants replied, "I call a fat chick a fat chick, baby."
Ronnie was HOT. "I'm not your baby, first of all. Second of all, don't ever touch my chain," he said before walking away. "Let's go. Homeboy want to go, let's go."
As Ronnie made his way back upstairs, white linen pants called him a "five-foot-three loser." We laughed, but still. We hate him. Ron handed his chain to Pauly and said, "I'm gonna go f--k homeboy up. Hold this."
"Let's go!" Pauly replied instantly. The guidos and guidettes made their way outside to witness the debacle, but "the f--king chooch" and his alleged stripper girlfriend managed to weasel their way out of the venue. That's when alleged stripper started running her mouth at Angelina.
"You a bitch! Go suck a dick! You ain't gon' do shit. C'mon, baby," she shouted over the railing. Angelina eventually snapped and charged at her. The two latched on to each others' hair, and hands went flying. Security guards had to pull the two apart.
"What a f--king hater, yo!" alleged stripper yelled after Angelina was taken away. "Nah, I ain't done now! You might as well lock me the f--k up. I'm on probation. I'll kill that bitch! I ain't frontin' this."
Just when everyone thought things had relatively calmed down, out comes JWoww ready to go. She chucked a water bottle at alleged stripper, and all hell broke loose. The episode concluded with Angelina chucking a restaurant chair over the railing.
The "Jersey Shore: Family Vacation" season finale airs Thursday, December 13 at 8 p.m. on MTV.
Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at firstname.lastname@example.org.