First and foremost, we must inform you that James was hammered for most of the episode. Shocking, we know. We're also pretty sure Lisa Vanderpump agreed to give him his DJing gig back only if he promised to not drink on the job, so we sure hope she doesn't watch "Vanderpump Rules."
But back to what prompted his drunken outburst/meltdown/typical day for James.
Kristen Doute's friend, Hope, told her that she went to Coachella with James and his girlfriend, Raquel Leviss. "Raquel went to bed because she can never hang," Hope told Kristen, explaining that she and James proceeded to have sex right then and there while Raquel was sleeping. Hope also told Kristen that she and James hook up every time she's in town and that it's been happening for years.
When Kristen -- who once dated James and has hated his guts ever since -- heard he had been cheating, she damn near foamed at the mouth with excitement. "Crazy Kristen" was ready to take him down.
While Pride was going on, Kristen and Hope snuck into SUR by hopping the fence and going through the back door. They found Raquel and asked if they could chat with her in the bathroom.
"I'm just curious if you are aware or if you just don't care," Kristen said to Raquel without any context. Raquel asked, "Aware of what?"
"His infidelity, like, all the time," Hope said, explaining what went down at Coachella. Raquel was peeved but also didn't really believe Hope.
"I don't know if you actually know the person that you're dating," Kristen said. "You were at school, doing other shit, and he's back in L.A. f--king everything that he can stick his dick into. You are dating the most manipulative piece of shit on the entire f--king planet."
Raquel was downright annoyed by the conversation and asked Hope why she held the secret in for so long. Hope said she had been "manipulated" by James, too. "I thought we were friends," Raquel replied before dramatically leaving the bathroom to go find James.
"It's not f--king true!" James shouted. "Kristen's a f--king slut! Why's Kristen here?! Kristen doesn't even work here! Why's she here?! All she does is talk about how she pays for everything for Carter and how James Kennedy is a f--king asshole."
James assured his tearful girlfriend that he's "never cheated" on her. "They're f--king lying through their f--king teeth! Do you not even see that?! It's so obvious. Everyone's obsessed with me," he said.
A frustrated Raquel reminded James that rumors involving alleged cheating on his part have come up "multiple times" in the past, to which James replied, "It's happened to Jax multiple times, too, and look -- they're engaged now because everyone's jealous."
Jax was standing within earshot, happy that the blowup had nothing to do with him. He later told the camera, "A lot of girls did accuse me of cheating, and they were all true."
At this point, Raquel was full-blown crying and telling James how hard it is to constantly defend him when he snapped. "F--K EVERYONE! F--K EVERYONE! WHO THE F--K CARES?!" he shouted.
Raquel walked away and ended up finding Lala Kent talking to Scheana Marie about all the drama. "I've watched it happen, Raquel," Lala said to Raquel regarding James' alleged infidelities. At that exact moment, James overheard what Lala said and told her to "f--k off."
"That's what I'm talking about! Raquel, this is the James that everyone knows!" Lala said. "Wake up, Raquel, I wanna shake you! I'm in there with Hope when your man is there and you're at school! WAKE UP!"
Raquel simply said, "I don't trust Hope."
"C'mon, you cannot be this dumb!" Lala continued, later telling Bravo cams, "What is so hard for you to understand, Raquel? When you were in Sonoma [State University] getting your degree in kinesiology, your boyfriend was getting his degree in shoving his dick in people that are not you."
Fed up with the conversation, Lala walked away. But the drama wasn't over. James was nearby, venting to Tom Sandoval about all the "gossip." Tom was trying to be a good friend, but it was obvious he didn't believe James was totally innocent.
Kristen, Hope, Lala and Katie Maloney then walked up to the two guys. James stormed off, claiming he was being "ambushed," but Lala followed him. He began pouring his heart out about how they used to be such good friends. "Remember us?" he kept saying. It was weird.
Lala ignored all the strange rambling and tried desperately to get James to see her point. Nothing was sinking in.
"We gotta get you intense help, dude," Lala eventually said. James fired back, "You need intense help!"
Katie overheard and shouted back at James, "James, look at you, dude. You're telling her she needs help? What's going on with your f--king pants, dude?"
"Don't even get me started on you, darling," he fired back. "Those shorts aren't working for you, babe. She shouldn't be wearing those shorts. They're not very flattering. Lose some f--king weight!"
Storming down the streets of West Hollywood, James mumbled to himself, "You wanna f--k with me? You wanna f--k with me? No one can replace James Kennedy, baby. I'm the star! I'm all for equality, but that whore can go f--k herself."
"Vanderpump Rules" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.