Meyers also takes advantage of Trump's former attorney throwing the president under the bus to show hypocrisy of "nation of laws" excuse for immigration.
The late-night comedians have covered the crime saga every step of the way since Cohen's office was raided last April, so we were expecting nothing less than a steady stream of jokes about his incarceration in their monologues Wednesday night, and they delivered.
Colbert started his monologue off with a little tip for Cohen: "First day of prison, you walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and you pay him $130,000."
Well, that strategy didn't really work out so well when Trump ordered Cohen to keep porn star Stormy Daniels quiet with $130,000, so maybe he should just start hitting the weights instead.
Meyers also had a prison tip for Cohen, which you can read below as TooFab dives into the best Cohen and Trump jokes of the evening.
'The Late Show with Stephen Colbert'
Colbert gave his audience play-by-play commentary on Cohen's sad plea to the judge for leniency, and of course snuck in as many jabs at the guilty party as possible.
Cohen told the judge, "It was my own weakness and a blind loyalty to this man that led me to choose a path of darkness over light... Time and time again I felt it was my duty to cover up his dirty deeds."
Colbert pointed out, "And evidently, you suck at it."
"But anyway, there you have it. Right there from Cohen. Trump did Dirty Deeds," Colbert continued, "who I believe was Stormy Daniels' co-star."
"His only real crime was being loyal to Donald Trump, which we now know is a felony," Colbert said in another zinger.
He then took a more direct shot at the president by marveling at Cohen telling the judge "today is the day I am getting my freedom back" after living in "a personal and mental incarceration ever since" he started working for Trump.
"The good news is Cohen isn't under Trump's teeny, tiny thumb anymore," Colbert said. "That's how bad working for Donald Trump is. Michael Cohen is happy to trade metaphor jail for jail."
One of our favorite moments was Colbert analyzing court room sketches of all the action, and based on those pictures, it appears the New York Court house where Cohen was sentenced is very, very haunted.
'Late Night with Seth Meyers'
Meyers' prison tip: "On your first day in prison, walk up the biggest guy in the yard and say, 'Remember me? I was your lawyer!'"
Oof. More bad advice, but we'd definitely watch that unfolded via hidden camera.
The NBC star took advantage of the Cohen sentencing to lay more into Trump. He flashed a picture of first lady Melania Trump and joked, "Three years is a lot, but remember, Trump's closest associate got life."
In his "Closer Look" segment, Meyers tore into the hypocrisy of "a president accused of a crime is insisting we need a border wall to prevent crime."
He gave provided plenty examples of Trump and other Republican leaders citing America being "a nation of laws" as an excuse to deny immigrants asylum in the United States.
"The more we learn about Trump, the more I think we means that as a complaint," he said before impersonating Trump. "'They won't let me do anything around here, it's like we're a nation of laws.'"
And now that Cohen has testified that Trump directed him to break a few of those laws, Meyers joked, "Forget running for re-election. In two years Trump might be running from the feds. The FBI's gonna bust into a cabin in Montana and find Trump with a Unibomber beard surrounded by Burger King wrappers."