The "Late Show" host reasons that if gingerbread cookies are "obviously" men, then Carlson is obviously "tainted cookie dough that got recalled for salmonella."
Stephen Colbert tore into Tucker Carlson Wednesday night for the Fox News' star trying to make a gingerbread mountain out of a molehill this week as part of the conservative cable news network's annual coverage of the invisible War on Christmas.
The TV pundit -- or as Colbert nicknamed him, "the little racist that could" -- distracted himself from his steady stream of immigrant bashing to point out to his viewers that "the War on Christmas is a global struggle." The proof? One coffee shop in Scotland has decided to sell "gingerbread people" instead of the traditional gingerbread men.
"Yesterday, while every news outlet was covering some trivial story about the president's former national security advisor getting a federal prison sentence, Tucker was hitting the hard news," Colbert said before showing the clip of Carlson complaining about the destruction of ginger gender.
"And if we accept Gingerbread 'people,' what's next?" he asked. "Lady Fingers becoming People Fingers? Instead of Lorna Doones, I gotta eat Larry Doones? Look, I'm flattered Larry, I'm just not into that scene."
Colbert was even more amused by Carlson's next issue with gingerbread people. "You don't want to give them a gender without their consent. You don't even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now -- a lot," Carlson told his viewers.
"Uhh, what?" a stunned Colbert asked, and then pointed out the obvious. "All bathrooms in houses are gender neutral. You do not have one for men and one for women. You have one for company and one for pooping."
Carlson even brought in an "expert" to weigh in the situation. "Obviously they're men," said Fox News contributor Tammy Bruce.
"Obviously," agreed a very sarcastic Colbert, and then he flashed a picture of a gingerbread man cookie with a big ol' censored gingerdong -- a graphic he seemed genuinely surprised that CBS censors allowed on the air.
"Fox News viewers need the reassurance that all foods have a clearly delineated gender, so let me help Fox viewers out. Fruit by the Foot, clearly male," he joked.
Watch the video above to see his entire list of gendered foods, ending with his declaration that "the tainted cookie dough that got recalled for salmonella poisoning is Tucker Carlson."