Producers had to hold Danielle back. Melissa almost fought Jennifer. There was broken glass everywhere.
Are you sitting down for this? Because you need to be sitting down for this.
Wednesday's "Real Housewives of New Jersey" was BANANAS. Seriously. Even more insane than last week's "your lips look like a monkey's assh---" debacle.
To refresh your memory, the ladies were all in Cabo trying to celebrate Teresa Giudice's ability to eat real food and drink alcohol after winning her bikini fitness competition. Last week, Margaret Josephs presented Teresa with a necklace the ladies (minus Danielle Staub) pitched in to get her, which set Jennifer Aydin off because her brother is a jeweler. She called the necklace "f--king ugly," which angered Margaret, prompting her to tell Jennifer that her lips looked like a monkey's rear end. Jennifer, who seemed to be 27 shots of tequila in, lost it on Margaret. And Danielle, who's friends with anyone at odds with Margaret, rushed to comfort Jennifer.
Which brings us to this week...
The next evening at dinner, Jennifer ordered a tequila on the rocks. Melissa Gorga jokingly muttered, "Here we go again," which offended Jennifer. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked. DING! DING! DING! Round 2.
Jennifer defended her previous night's outburst by saying Margaret "attacked" her first, as Margaret previously referred to Jennifer's soon-to-be Turkish sister-in-law as a "mail-order bride." Jennifer then criticized Margaret for cheating on her first husband. Margaret's mom, Marge Sr., had a similar situation back in her day.
"You know what, Margaret -- you're used to an environment of cheating," Jennifer shouted across the table. "Your mother f--ked someone for 15 years. I get it! But some things should be kept secret."
"You're right. You're absolutely right," Margaret calmly replied. "And you know what? That's why your husband sleeps in the f--king pool house."
Jennifer maintained she was "secure" in her marriage and that it didn't matter to her where her husband slept.
"Whether it's in his girlfriend's bed or not," Margaret added with a shoulder shrug. "Word on the street."
Jennifer lost it. "You better shut the f--k up. YOU BETTER SHUT THE F--K UP WITH THAT!" she shouted, storming off to get some air. As Jennifer collected herself, the ladies explained to Margaret that that wasn't cool. She agreed, so when Jennifer returned, Margaret apologized and admitted she had no knowledge of her home life. The two sort of reached an understanding, but Danielle was still seething. She harped on it every chance she got and convinced Teresa that Margaret was the enemy.
The next night at the ladies' final (and most memorable) dinner, Jennifer was sipping on her tequila and talking about how she wanted to make out with Teresa (who seemed kind of down?) when Danielle chimed in, "Jennifer, we were actually talking about your lips today -- about Margaret saying monkey ass lips." The mood of the meal changed instantly.
Margaret lashed out at Danielle for bringing up the feud they had put to bed, and Teresa rushed to Danielle's defense.
"We both said things to hurt each other, but we both agreed when she came back to the table..." Margaret tried to say, but everyone turned their sights to Jennifer, who looked like she was ready to blow.
"Why are we bringing this up again?" she asked. In swooped Danielle: "At least you got an apology, Jennifer."
"Why would I apologize to you?" Margaret asked. "You owe me an apology." (The two have been fighting since Danielle's wedding because Margaret felt Danielle was being a demanding bitch. She kind of was.)
"I don't see your children anywhere, so don't ever talk about me," Danielle blurted out. "If you had spent a little time with your kids, maybe they'd still be here, maybe you'd see your grandkids, and maybe -- JUST MAYBE -- you would have a relationship with them."
Melissa was livid because she's always felt kids should be off limits. Teresa, once again, defended Danielle, saying she was "trying to make a point."
Margaret was hurt Teresa turned on her, but she was too focused on Danielle to deal with anyone else. "You're an old dog with new no tricks. You don't even know my kids!" she shouted.
"NOBODY KNOWS YOUR KIDS!" Danielle hurled across the table. "THEY'RE NOWHERE AROUND! THEY'RE NOT AROUND YOU. THEY'RE NOT AROUND YOU. THEY ARE NOT AROUND YOU. GET OVER IT!"
For those who don't know, Margaret's had a strained relationship with her kids since she cheated on their father. It's a super touchy subject, and she reacted the way any rational being on a reality show would -- by launching her full glass of wine across the table at Danielle's face.
"You f--king c--t!" Danielle shouted as she started tossing glassware. Show producers had to physically restrain her from tackling Margaret, who walked away from the scene unharmed. Jackie Goldschneider followed her as the others back at the table continued the brawl.
Melissa unloaded on Teresa for being mean to Margaret, but Teresa maintained she felt for Jennifer because people used to talk about Joe all the time. Melissa wasn't buying it.
"Teresa, this one's got you going in circles!" she shouted as she pointed at Danielle. "You don't even know what the f--k you're saying anymore! You drank the f--king Kool-Aid, honey."
Jennifer was hammered by this point. "SHE F--KING TOOK SOMETHING OUT OF THE F--KING CLOUD, AND SHE BROUGHT SOMETHING INTO THE UNIVERSE THAT MY HUSBAND HAS A GIRLFRIEND?!" she shouted. Melissa tried to restore the peace, but that was long gone.
Melissa asked Jennifer if she was the one who threw glass at her during Margaret and Danielle's altercation, and Jennifer replied, "Honey, if I threw glass at you, sweetheart, you would know it. No, it was not me, sweetheart. It was not me." Proving her point, Jennifer then picked up a glass, smashed it on the table and yelled, "IF I THREW F--KING GLASS, YOU'RE GONNA KNOW IT."
Melissa had had enough. "You got the wrong f--king girl!" she shouted as she made her way to Jennifer. "I'm telling you that right now!" The screen went dark as Teresa was heard yelling, "No, no, no, no!"
More on that next week.
"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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