'KUWTK' Recap: Kim Kardashian Learns Kanye Wants to Move to Chicago -- Nori's Black Book Gives Her Take
E!/Instagram
Kardashians: The Next Jenneration

I have nothing against Chicago, but my businesses are in Calabasas. DadYe can take Chi with him. She literally has nothing going on.

The woman behind Nori's Black Book -- a viral parody Instagram account written entirely in the voice of Kim Kardashian's sassy 5-year-old daughter -- is bringing her talents to TooFab.

Each week, "Nori" will be recapping new episodes of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and giving us HER take on all the family drama.

(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)

Sunday's "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" began with a not-so-friendly game of pickleball. The teams were Mommy and one of the Malikas versus Auntie Khloe and Auntie Kourtney. Mommy gets hyper-competitive whenever she's playing any type of game, and quite frankly, it's annoying. She completely sucks the fun out of it. I once walked out on her in the middle of a Go Fish game because she wanted to play for my money.

At Auntie Kourtney's house, Mommy and Kris participated in a tea ceremony as a form of meditation. They said they wanted to get into the practice of being peaceful for the upcoming family trip to Bali. Kris mentioned that she thought it would be a good idea for Scott to go on the trip, but Auntie Kourt was quick to remind her that on the last family trip (to Costa Rica), Scott secretly flew out a girl. He has since been banned from all family trips. If you're wondering, the answer is yes -- Tristan is also banned for the same reason.

Kris also brought up that MJ hadn't been feeling well lately. She said she had been diagnosed with pneumonia, but there was also a mass in her body. Doctors were not exactly sure what the mass was.

Later, Kris and Scott went shopping, and the Bali trip came up. Scott said he believed he and Kourt were mature enough to go on the trip the together with the kids, but he needed to convince Kourt. Kris suggested enlisting Mommy's help to find a good way to go about it. Kris was then distracted by Chanel bags and forgot what they were talking about.

At a photo shoot, Mommy learned that DadYe announced he was moving back to Chicago. Mommy was in the dark that he even wanted to move back and was confused when she found out via social media. I found out about Saint through social media. It doesn't feel too good to find out your life is changing through your Twitter timeline -- does it, Mommy?

In Chicago, Mommy confronted DadYe about announcing to the world that he was moving to Chicago before talking to her. DadYe insisted he had already had the conversation with her, but Mommy didn't take him seriously. He said Chicago was the vibe, but Mommy was not convinced. I have nothing against Chicago, but my businesses are in Calabasas. DadYe can take Chi with him. She literally has nothing going on.

At dinner, Mason said he wanted to attend one of DadYe's concerts, but Scott said that might be hard because our family was moving to Chicago. Mommy confirmed that DadYe had been thinking about a move. Mason seemed genuinely concerned about our entire family not being together, but let's be honest, he just wants free tickets to Coachella. When Auntie Khloe moved to Cleveland, he helped her pack.

During a very suspect scene, Mommy visited Scott at a car dealership where he has an office for some reason. I think the viewers are supposed to think Scott has a job or is doing some type of "work"? This was one of the top-five most staged moments of this show's history.

Mommy told Scott she had a plan to get him invited to Bali. She told him to come to New York (where DadYe would be performing on "Saturday Night Live") and suggested he invite Auntie Kourt and the kids as a "test trip" to see if everything runs smoothly. She was sure that if that went well, Auntie Kourt would be down to invite him to Bali.

Later, Auntie Khloe and one of the Malikas were shooting for their BECA cosmetics collaboration that they couldn't give away. Kris showed up and and completely took over. This is textbook Kris. She books you, takes 10 percent and then crashes your photo shoot. She's the reason I always request a closed set for my shoots.

While at the shoot, MJ called Kris about her test results. (She got a biopsy on her lungs to see what was going on.) At that point, Kris was questioning whether she should go to Bali given the uncertainty of MJ's health.

In New York, Mommy was trying to make me ruin my Keto diet. She wanted me to get ice cream and French fries from the hotel. I literally had to scream at her that I didn't want to before she finally left me alone. This scene was clearly edited to make me look like a crazy person, but in full context, you would have seen that I had every right to raise my voice. This is why I need executive producer status so I can control my image on this godforsaken show.

After our argument, Mommy and I visited DadYe in the studio. Dadye and Mommy sent Stormi's arch nemesis, Nicki Minaj, a song to work on. I just hope Stormi understood this was strictly business and that Cardi B was unavailable. Mommy then made us leave the studio because she was getting jealous that I was getting more attention than her, and she couldn't have that on camera.

In the car, I asked why people follow us every day and take pictures of us. I think Mommy thought I was talking about the paparazzi, but I was really referring to the Disick kids.

The next day in New York, Mommy and Auntie Kourt went shopping. Kourtney said things were going well with Scott but that she still wanted to make sure there were boundaries. This woman is obsessed with boundaries. She said she was still waiting to see how the weekend went before making a decision about Bali. Kourtney also finally admitted that it was nice to see Scott in full dad mode. (I'm pretty sure she was referring to his relationship with Sofia.) Mommy said she couldn't wait for Bali because she had been stressed about the new baby -- the new baby that literally no one asked for.

At the end of the trip Auntie Kourt and Scott debriefed about their time in New York and discussed Bali. They agreed that the trip went really well and that Scott had grown. Auntie Kourtney told Scott that she felt comfortable about him coming to Bali but that she didn't want to give him mixed messages. Scott assured her that he was in a fully committed relationship with Sofia and that he was looking forward to attending her prom.

Back in Calabasas at a family dinner at Kris' house, Auntie Kourt told the family that Scott was officially going on the Bali family trip. Everyone was really excited except for me because that meant me having to use my frequent flyer miles to get him there.

Mommy also brought up DadYe's Donald Trump rant during the "SNL" credits. She said she was sure he wouldn't be invited back on the show anytime soon. Kris told Mommy she needed to give DadYe a little more attention to keep him calm. Mommy said between the kids and all the jobs she has, she didn't have anymore to give. Is Mommy sure she doesn't have a talent? She sure is good at playing the martyr.

Later, Kris went to Auntie Kourtney's house to talk about how she had been stressed out about MJ's health. She said she made the decision not to go to Bali with the family and stay close to MJ in case she needed anything.

Back at our house (or at least the house we use to film for the show), Mommy talked to DadYe about his plan to move us to Chicago. Mommy said she didn't want to uproot us all and move full time, so she suggested getting a second home in Chicago and spending more time there. They agreed. DadYe said he felt inspired there and loves how people yell "Kan-Ya! Kan-Ya!" at him whenever he's in the city. I actually think a move to Chicago would be great...for Saint.

Meet me back here next week when I recap Episode 3 of my show.

Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at tips@toofab.com.

view photo Shanna Moakler Shows Off Bikini Bod Six Months After Lipo and Tummy Tuck

Hot Videos

Advertisement