The singer also reveals how many more kids she wants with her husband and what she finds sexiest about her man.
The singer sat down with Jada Pinkett Smith, Willow Smith and Adrienne Banfield Norris to talk about turning the emotional scars from her past into "beauty marks," which is also the name of her recent album. During the chat, she discussed the fallout from her split from Future, raising their son -- also named Future -- as a single mom and finding love again with Russell Wilson.
Ciara and Future struck up a relationship after a few collaborations in 2012 and 2013, before a whirlwind romance. They got their initials tattooed on each other, got engaged in October 2013 and soon after announced they were expecting their first child together. They welcomed their baby boy in May 2014, but split by the end of the year.
"I would have moments, I'd be in the shower, crying," Ciara said to Jada on the Facebook Watch series, recalling the days after becoming a single mom. "I'd be crying because I am not in the happiest place and it hurts what I'm going through."
She was then asked to recall the most painful aspect of that time in her life and reveal whether it was the breakup or the idea of being alone.
"It was the combination of everything, because none of it was ideal," she said. "I grew up with my mom and my dad being together, the idea of it being mommy and daddy that made baby. And then all of a sudden you're living your life in front of the world, it's a whole other layer. The one thing I fear in life is wasting my life, wasting my time, I really fear that because you realize that time does not stop and it will be the worst scenario to stay in a situation that's just not healthy, not going to get any better. I realized I have to start making different decisions, period. Knowing what you don't want is really important. It creates clarity."
In August 2014, Ciara went on vacation to Ibiza with baby Future, but not baby daddy Future, taking off her engagement ring at the time. It was one of her first steps toward leaving him altogether, something she recalled when speaking to the Smiths.
"I remember one time I was working on the elliptical machine and I was not sure about, do I stay, which direction do I go, what is the right thing to do and it's like, it's easy to do this, but is the easy thing the right thing," she remembered thinking. "Future was like my teddy bear, so I was like, we gonna go, we gonna do this thing together. His first trip was to Ibiza. I just was like, I'm going to commit. If I chose not to commit, I was going to fall apart. I'm really afraid of losing myself. I don't like crying all the time, I don't like being sad, so I'm like how do I get out of this, because I like people happy."
She added that remembering the love her parents had for each other was her barometer for how she wanted to feel in a relationship, saying, "my dad's love is what saved me in all of my situations."
Though she said she thought she'd be single "for a long time," that wasn't the case. Soon after her split from Future, she began dating Wilson -- though the two stayed celibate until they said "I do."
"When Russ came into our lives, Future was ten months old. It was different, I had never had that feeling in my life. It was calm," she said. "He's consistent. Whenever he would think of me, he would always think about my son and to love me is to love my son, we come together. It's dope, it's a different level of love."
"It has been a very special journey for my husband and I, having a blended family," Ciara added.
Jada noted that it took "a long time" for her and Will Smith's first wife, Sheree, to get to the "relaxed" place they are now. When asked how that process was for Ciara, Russell and her ex, the singer looked at the bigger picture.
"It does take time. More than anything, this has been something real on my heart, I don't think people think about the child when they like to make chatter about the kids," she said. "Everyone likes to weigh in on opinions. Adults, we'll be fine. But the child is the person that has to read stuff, see stuff. I think the biggest thing is always trying our best to live life as much as we can as normal as possible."
She added that seeing how Wilson "jumped right in" changing diapers, cheering on Future's first steps and being involved in his education is "one of the most sexiest things about him to me."
And, despite some of the bad times in her past, Ciara said she wouldn't give them up for the world. "If I wouldn't have gone through those things, I may not have appreciated the man I have in my life, I may not have appreciated when it is really going good and everything's falling in place," she said. "You need those roller coaster rides."
She also told the women she's looking forward to "having another baby," in addition to Future and daughter Sienna, 2.
"I would hope I could have at least 2 more," she revealed. "I love my kids, I love being a mom. It's like my why in my life. I feel like I'm really doing something even more because of them. The music and stuff is amazing, but gosh, when I look at those babies I say thank you god, I love being a mom."
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