"She doesn't wanna face any of us because she has been unmasked," Kyle says of her former friend.
Part 1 of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" Season 9 reunion was packed with drama, so get ready for a tantalizing read.
If we do say so ourselves.
Lisa Vanderpump's No-Show
Tuesday's episode kicked off with an empty spot where Lisa Vanderpump was supposed to sit, but as Andy Cohen pointed out at the top of the hour, she told a reporter just one day prior that she had quit the show. That was news to Andy.
Kyle Richards had an interesting take on the situation, saying she felt Lisa was trying to quit before she got fired, so to speak. Former "RHOBH" star Adrienne Maloof famously opted out of the Season 3 reunion after then-co-star Brandi Glanville revealed a secret about her family, but because Adrienne broke her contract, she was fired from the series.
"I think she gave that interview yesterday so that she could say she quit because she knew that if she didn't show up here today that you would probably do the same thing that you had to do with Adrienne and fire her," Kyle explained. "So she was preempting getting fired by saying she quit yesterday."
Kyle pointed out there had been many times she didn't want to show up for filming (like when she outed sister Kim Richards' as an alcoholic -- that was bad), but she showed up anyway because that's what she signed up to do.
In her farewell interview, Vanderpump told the reporter that her co-stars had been "harassing" her for "10 months," which prompted Andy to ask Dorit Kemsley if she felt that was true.
"How do you harass someone that you have no contact with whatsoever?" she replied, before Kyle pointed out that most of the women hadn't seen LVP since Denise Richards' wedding.
Andy then referenced a second Radar Online article (not the Radar Online article) that quoted a source saying, "Lisa is being burned at the stake, nailed to the cross and stoned by her co-stars all at the same time."
Erika Jayne's sassy response to the quote was simply, "Get off the cross; we need the wood." She also said she'd be shocked if LVP didn't show up randomly and "pull a stunt of the most dramatic proportions." Teddi Mellencamp felt the same way.
Then Denise, who remained relatively out of the fray (in regard to PuppyGate), asked Kyle why she thought LVP didn't show up.
"I think that she doesn't wanna face any of us because she has been unmasked," Kyle said. "The fact that she was called out with what originally happened at Vanderpump Dogs -- why would you do that to someone that you care about? That was the biggest issue. I think that she can't face that, so she's focusing on the Radar [Online story] over and over and over again so we cannot talk about what actually happened at Vanderpump Dogs."
Later on, Erika justified why she felt Kyle was the true queen of the show. "Look at us today. She is the queen," Erika said. "It's true. Look who showed up. Not only is she the original, she's the leader of the group. She is the one that we are all connected to. She's the binding, she's the center." Kyle was touched.
Andy and Dorit Force Teddi to Be Accountable
We're exhausted from PuppyGate, so we're only going to tell you the things that were discussed at the reunion that we haven't already heard countless times before.
When the topic came up, Teddi turned to Dorit and said she was truly sorry for making the "mistake" of going along with LVP and the Johns' alleged plan to make her look bad. She explained she was "petty and angry at Dorit" for a comment she made last reunion.
Teddi said that when everyone was leaving taping, Kyle was on the phone with LVP trying to coordinate plans for after. Lisa told Kyle that Dorit refused to go anywhere Teddi was going to be, a claim Dorit copped to Tuesday night. This is the first time we've heard of this.
When Andy said he found it odd that Teddi never directly spoke to Lisa about the supposedly orchestrated plan, Teddi didn't necessarily have an answer as to why. She just kept saying she was going through John Blizzard and John Sessa, who said the orders were coming straight from LVP, who "wanted Dorit to look bad."
Erika said she "didn't realize how much Teddi disliked Dorit" and that it was "mean to have gone far enough down that road."
Dorit had been quiet up until this point but cautiously interrupted, "I think what really stuck with me was that I kept asking, 'At what point did you realize you didn't wanna go through with it?' And then at Vanderpump Dogs, when I saw that Lisa said, 'No, no no,' and that I was just gonna be the one that was a scapegoat, I thought to myself, 'Wow, it wasn't actually your conscience and thought, 'I don't wanna do this to Dorit.' It was, 'I don't wanna be the only one to do this to Dorit.' And that hurt."
Nicollette Sheridan Saga Continued
If you don't know the Nicollette Sheridan saga, here it is: She came up this season when Lisa Rinna told the women her husband, Harry Hamlin, used to be married to her. Fun fact: Denise's current husband, Aaron Phypers, was also married to her! Small world.
Anyway, Rinna alleged that Nicollette cheated on Harry with Michael Bolton after a Michael Bolton concert, and naturally, a Twitter war ensued. (Nicollette denied the claim.) And much like the rest of us, Andy was "very intrigued by this."
"I said that Nicollette went off with Michael Bolton after this Hollywood Bowl concert," Rinna explained. "So Harry was in Muskoka (Canada), and Harry woke up in the middle of the night, and he felt really strange, and he was like, 'I gotta go home,' got back to the house, and there was a love note in the trashcan."
"She's gonna tweet about this like crazy! You know she is. Honey, it's coming! Bring it on!" Rinna interrupted herself. "And it was in the trashcan, and she had gone and slept with Michael Bolton that night! She was in his hotel!"
"She will deny it, but without Michael Bolton, we would not have our life!" Rinna shouted excitedly. "Thank you, Michael Bolton!"
Andy mentioned that the ordeal prompted an influx of Twitter fans suggesting he bring Sheridan on the show. That's when Rinna reminded Andy that she was once married to Denise's husband, too.
"You are making a compelling case for her to be on the show!" he noted.
Denise Drops More Charlie Sheen Bombshells
Denise's first season as a Housewife was a great one. The laid-back ex-wife of Charlie Sheen kept things real as she revealed quite a bit about her past, her ex and the children they share. During a confessional, the former model even said Charlie once brought a hooker to Thanksgiving, a claim she told Andy he wasn't thrilled to see air.
"I said, 'I didn't know it was a secret! You've been so public and open about your ladies of the night,'" Denise explained. "And he goes, 'Well, I'm in a different place.' I go, 'But people love you because you are honest and that is a big part of your past.'"
Reading a fan's question, Andy asked Denise how she was "so good at dealing with crazy."
"He's my daughters' dad, and we've been divorced for 14 years," she replied. "Everything was so crazy."
Andy noted that her life with Sheen seemingly got crazier after their split. She agreed.
"I didn't want our daughters to be privy to anything that was negative going on in his life," she said. "After he was diagnosed with HIV, the kids did not know at that point, I moved in the neighborhood where he was living, and being that close to him, it was very hard, but any time that something would go on at the house or with him, he knew he could call me at 2 in the morning and I would be there, no matter what. And a lot of people judge me for that, but I wanted him to be the best dad he could be for him, for our girls, and preserve that because I have such an amazing relationship with my father, so that's why I always did that."
"I'm not a saint," she continued. "I do my best, and I've made a lot of mistakes with Charlie, but I think that it's best to not talk in such a negative manner about your children's father because they're the ones that suffer, ultimately."
Of the insane media stories involving her, Sheen and the demise of their relationship, Denise said they only captured "a snippet of what was really going on."
Andy then noted that Denise didn't "take Charlie to the cleaners" when it came to their divorce, despite the fact that she didn't sign a pre-nup. She explained that even though he landed "Two and a Half Men" while they were married and that he owned a big portion of it, she simply didn't want to.
Denise was happy to reveal that her ex-husband and her current husband "get along," noting that "Aaron called Charlie to let him know that we were getting married just out of respect that he was gonna be a stepdad to our girls."
Did Camille Grammer Come for Denise?
After Camille Grammer reluctantly joined the ladies and chatted about her wedding, Andy asked why she decided to keep Kelsey Grammer's last name. She said she did it "for the kids," prompting Denise to interject that she "couldn't wait to get rid of" Sheen.
"What was your reaction to Denise not having a pre-nup in her marriage?" pot-stirrer extraordinaire Andy asked, knowing full well Camille made out like a bandit after her divorce from Kelsey.
"Well, I was married for 13 years," Camille explained. "That's a long time."
Andy asked Denise how long she was married; she said "just under five [years]."
When Andy asked Camille if she felt Denise should have asked for half of Sheen's money, she replied, "I don't know," as Denise added that Charlie was "almost bankrupt" when they got married.
"Got it. Okay, well, I don't know much about it. I'm sorry I don't follow you that much," Camille fired back. Her choice of words and tone left everyone, including Denise, a little uneasy.
"I can only speak about myself," Camille said when she noticed the comment hadn't gone over that well. "I just don't. It's okay, whatever. I just felt that working and -- and I worked hard -- I just didn't sit back buying fancy clothes and shoving bonbons in my face. I mean, I worked hard."
After an awkward silence, Dorit asked Denise if she liked bonbons.
"I've never had one," she replied, later venting to Teddi, "Maybe she's not a happy person."
Also, it's important to note Denise said Aaron's penis is bigger than the high heels Kyle was wearing at the reunion. Like, she says he's bigger than the entire shoe.
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" reunion continues Tuesday, July 23 at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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