"You wanna f--k with me, you little pig of a f--king bitch?!" an animated pig, in Kelly's voice, hurls at Vicki.
Tuesday's explosive episode of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" began with Kelly Dodd asking her 12-year-old daughter, Jolie, if she'd be willing to be the face of a new skincare line for teens that she and her plastic surgeon boyfriend wanted to launch.
Sadly, Jolie said she didn't want to push the product on Instagram because she was forced to make her page private after Vicki Gunvalson accused Kelly last reunion of being a cocaine user. Jolie read her mom some of the messages she had received, and Kelly saw red.
Later, Tamra Judge and her husband, Eddie, celebrated Valentine's Day. During dinner, Eddie asked Tamra if she was willing to forgive and forget her past issues with Vicki (she perpetuated the rumor that Eddie was gay) the way that she did with Shannon Beador (who used Tamra as an emotional punching bag during her divorce).
"There's a big part of me that just doesn't trust her anymore," Tamra replied. "And when she texts me how she hates Gina [Kirschenheiter], and then I hear from Gina, and she's like, 'Oh my God, [Vicki] called me and she was so nice and sweet!' When she got a DUI, Vicki sent me the article and was like, 'Hahahaha.' So don't call somebody and worry about them when you're talking shit about them!"
When Eddie asked why Vicki would do such a thing, Tamra fired back, "Vicki is the most insecure person I have ever met in my life." In her confessional, she said she's "known Vicki for 14 years, and I still can't figure her out. She's got a devil and an angel. She's got like a very sweet motherly person, and that's the Vicki I like. And then she's got this horrible side to her. I never know which Vicki I'm getting."
A screenshot of the Tres Amigas group text showed that Shannon Beador wrote, "Gina was arrested for DUI last night. And she said I was self-medicating..." Vicki said, "So ridiculous...another jail bird...irresponsible." Shannon replied, "Yup. And she blew a stop sign earlier this month. So stupid. And at 3:43 am?????"
Later at Tamra's housewarming party, Tamra told Shannon that Vicki texted her saying she planned on bringing up the "pig video" at her party. Naturally, Shannon pulled it up on her phone. It was a video of an animated pig talking as Kelly.
"You wanna f--k with me, you little pig of a f--king bitch?!" the angry pig mouthed in Kelly's voice. "That's exactly what's gonna happen to you. Don't f--king text me! Don't write me. You blocked me. I can do whatever you want. You look like shit, so hahahahaha, woohoohoohoohoo, hahahahaha."
It was one of the most bizarre things we've seen on this show, and that's saying something.
Tamra reminded us that "Slade Smiley called Vicki a pig on stage in front of hundreds of people [years ago]. Kelly knows that's a sore subject with Vicki. She got very insecure, even had her nose done, because she didn't wanna look like a pig! It's really a low blow."
Downstairs, Kelly was warning newcomer Braunwyn Windham-Burke that she was not looking forward to seeing Vicki, when Vicki and her now-fiancé, Steve, walked through the front door.
"Ugh, God, Vicki's here," Kelly groaned, telling Braunwyn, Gina and Emily Simpson that Vicki looked like "a Sasquatch."
Tamra ran downstairs to greet one-third of the Tres Amigas and guided her outside where everyone was having cocktails. Vicki said hello to Emily, Gina and even "Kels," who didn't return the greeting. She breezed right past Braunwyn but made sure to chat it up with Braunwyn's husband, Sean. That didn't sit too well with the newcomer, who later told the camera she felt Sean was "young enough to be Vicki's son." Ouch.
After briefly being in Vicki's vicinity at the bar, Kelly ran over to Emily and Gina to announce she would "not f--king engage in that bitch. There's no way." Eventually, the table was surrounded by all the Housewives, but the second Vicki joined, Kelly bolted. While some of the ladies went to go check on Kelly, Tamra and Emily stayed behind.
"Did you ladies hear the nice pig emoji that she did about me, saying that I look like shit?" Vicki asked. Without asking any questions, Emily said, "I think you look beautiful."
"Well, regardless, you don't say that to another woman," Vicki fired back, but Emily agreed, saying she, too, has been the victim of name-calling.
"We're all who we are. I'm a product of my mother and my father -- with a couple little tweaks," Vicki said, before Emily excused herself to the restroom aka to go find Kelly and tell her that Vicki told her about "the pig emoji." Gina and Shannon were there, too.
"Vicki tells them about the pig emoji, but she didn't reiterate about the, uh," Kelly said, tripping over her words. "She sent me this huge text about 'stop this, you don't do this, don't do this, don't do that.' As my response, I did a pig emoji right back at her, and I just said what I wanted to say." Kelly explained she used the pig emoji because she "didn't want to type out a whole dissertation on why [Vicki's] a piece of shit. I just did a mirror image of what she looks like. So oink, oink."
Meanwhile, Vicki told Tamra she had every intention of confronting Kelly. Tamra tried to play devil's advocate, bringing up the accusations Vicki made about Kelly doing cocaine, which prompted Vicki to shout back, 'Okay! She called me fat!'"
Back inside, Shannon was the one trying to play devil's advocate, reminding Kelly that what prompted Vicki's text to her was Kelly saying on Instagram that the "face lift Vicki got really did malfunction." When Tamra went inside to ask Kelly if she'd be willing to hear what Vicki had to say to her, she refused, saying Vicki "completely ruined" her reputation. So Tamra and Shannon put the burden back on Vicki to go make things right.
She did not make things right. She wound up chasing Kelly around the house, asking if they could speak. Kelly insisted she wanted nothing to do with Vicki and that she had nothing to say to her, but Vicki was relentless, so a screaming match ensued. "Leave me alone!" Kelly shouted. Vicki tried to tell her she cared about her, but it was falling on deaf ears.
"You don't understand what you have done to me!" Kelly shouted. "You have hurt my daughter! Do you understand?! Have you ever seen me do cocaine?! Have you?!"
Before Tamra's not-so-warm housewarming, we got to catch up with Emily and her unconventional marriage/family life. Her husband, Shane, who spent much of last season being hated by the viewers, has been tirelessly studying for the California bar exam, straining their already strained marriage.
"Shane and I have been married for 10 years. Our marriage -- it's a little bumpy right now," Emily said during a confessional. "He's studying for the bar exam, so there's been like no communication between the two of us. We have high highs. We also have low lows."
During a family dinner at the Simpsons' house to celebrate Shane's parents' birthdays, Emily tried to FaceTime Shane, who was studying at the library. He declined the call, then called back.
"Hey, I'm getting like hounded by everyone," he said angrily the moment she picked up. "This is getting to be a degree of harassment. I mean, it's like no one respects the fact that I say, 'No.' So I'm supposed to call to say, 'Hi. How's it going?'"
"Okay, Shane, forget it," Emily replied before hanging up, later venting to the camera that she feels she deserves "a little more respect" from her husband.
"I'm taking care of the children, I'm hosting a birthday party for your parents, everything is on me," she said as she began to cry. "It's a lot. It was a lot of work for me. It's a lot of sacrifice. It's just a lot going on."
Another very, very, very important thing we need to mention is that Braunwyn's mom is unlike anything or anyone we have ever experienced, and we mean that in the best way possible. Closely resembling Betsy Johnson, Dr. Deb has quite the story.
"My mom is larger than life," Braunwyn explained during a confessional. "Growing up, my mom was a single mom, and she was in a rock band. My mom wanted to be famous." Ready for the plot twist? "Then she went to med school."
"She went to UCLA, graduated top of her class and met my stepdad when she went back to school to become a doctor," Braunwyn continued. "She did family practice for a really, really long time." Are you ready for plot twist No. 2? "And then she went to Burning Man, and Burning Man changed everything."
"She's very connected to energies, she talks to angels," the mother of seven explained. "When I was growing up, she just didn't have a lot of time, so I was kind of sent around to different family members to live in different family's homes. So the entire reason that it's so important for me to be a stay-at-home mom was because I wanted that so much when I was a kid. The grandma that my kids have is nothing like the mom that I grew up with, which is good. She's fun now. They call her Candy Deb. Or Rainbow Deb."
"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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