"I, too, have been experiencing pain in my joints. It's from carrying this entire family," writes "North West."
The woman behind Nori's Black Book -- a viral parody Instagram account written entirely in the voice of Kim Kardashian's sassy 6-year-old daughter -- is bringing her talents to TooFab.
Each week, "Nori" will be recapping new episodes of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and giving us HER take on all the family drama.
(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)
Sunday's episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" started with Kim taking a pregnancy test at Khloe's house. She was feeling tired and nauseous, but luckily, she was not pregnant. However, she wanted to prank Kris, so she had someone who was actually pregnant from the film crew pee on a pregnancy test. Kris was almost fooled, but Kourtney called Kim out on her trickery.
All jokes aside, if Mommy would have been pregnant at the same time as her surrogate, I would've called the police. -NW
Khloe told Scott and Kris that Tristan had been calling, texting and sending flowers nonstop. He was trying to see her and True, but Khloe wasn't ready to see him yet. Khloe said there was nothing he could say or do to make her want him back. Her feelings were still super raw and she still felt humiliated. She even entertained the idea of not inviting him to True's first birthday party, but she realized that would be unfair to True.
At this time, Jordyn was also calling, texting and sending flowers to Kylie, trying to see Stormi. -NW
Next, Khloe talked to Kourtney about her 40th birthday party. Kourtney said having a party comes with a lot of pressure and that she hates being the center of attention. Kourtney allowed Khloe to be in charge of planning her party but said she didn't want a theme, didn't want anyone to make a speech and didn't want to have to thank people for coming. She had her doubts because she and Khloe have different tastes.
At Kim's house, while playing with Saint, Kim told Scott about the pain she had been been having in her hands and wrists. Last year, she dealt with carpal tunnel, but she said this pain felt different. Scott wondered if the pain she had been experiencing was from the stress of taking on too much, but Kim wasn't sure if that was the issue. She was worried because she'd also been really tired. Scott told her she needed to go to the doctor, and she agreed.
I, too, have been experiencing pain in my joints. It's from carrying this entire family. -NW
Later, Kourtney and Kim talked about the progress of Kourt's birthday party. During their talk, Kim discovered a bald spot on the top of Kourtney's head. Kourtney thought it was from the high and tight ponytail she wore in New York. Kim panicked and urged her to go to the hospital, but Kourt refused. She said she just wouldn't do those high ponytails anymore.
I think Auntie Kourtney's bald spot was from the stress of running her Tumblr page, POOSH. Going from not working to writing three sentences a week would be a lot for anyone to handle. -NW
Next, Khloe drove Kim to her doctor's appointment. Kim said she Googled her symptoms and thought she might have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Kim explained to the doctor that her hands had been stiff, swollen and itchy. The doctor examined her and said it sounded like she might have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but he needed to see her blood work to be sure.
Later, Khloe talked to Kourtney about Tristan. She said he had been calling and sending flowers. Khloe was finally ready to talk to him but said she wanted a therapist to be involved. Kourtney asked what Khloe's goal of the conversation was, and Khloe said it was to be able to talk and co-parent. The first time Khloe would be seeing Tristan in person since he allegedly cheated would be at True's birthday party, and it was making her anxious.
At this point, we have a therapist on retainer. I even take Sushi to see our therapist twice a month. -NW
Kim went to eat with Jonathan Cheban at a burger restaurant that he was the new face of. She told him that her hands had been hurting and that she couldn't lift anything. He ended up feeding her since her hands were in so much pain.
If you can eat and look at Jonathan's face without losing your appetite, I applaud you. I'm not even that talented. -NW
In the car, Kourtney reviewed her birthday party invites and thought they were embarrassing. She hated the picture (that she picked out) and the phrase, "40 never looked so good." She thought it was way too "look how great I am." She began rethinking even having the party.
I suggested the invites say, 'I have boundaries, let's party!' but Auntie Kourt passed because she doesn't have vision. -NW
At Khloe's house, Khloe was getting ready for all of True's cousins to come over and sing happy birthday to her. She told Kris and Kourtney that she had to block Tristan and that she didn't want him at True's first birthday party. The conversation she had with Tristan and the therapist didn't go well. She wanted to uninvite him to True's birthday, but Kris told her she couldn't do that. Kris thought it was important for him to be involved in these type of memories. Later, all of the cousins showed up at Khloe's house to sing happy birthday to True.
I was unable to attend because I had a meeting. Some people work and can't just eat birthday cake in the middle of the day. At this time, I was also renegotiating my contract with E!, so I was refusing to film until we reached an agreement. -NW
Next, Kourtney visited a plastic surgeon about her bald spot. The surgeon suggested that she get injections to help make her hair grow back faster. He said that injections over about 3 months would help her hair grow back.
We also have a plastic surgeon on retainer...for obvious reasons. -NW
At Kourtney's house, Kourtney talked to Khloe about her birthday party. She said she had been feeling overwhelmed and anxious about having a party because she didn't know any of the details. She said that Kendall didn't think there should be a tent and wanted to know if there would be a DJ. Khloe took offense and told Kourtney she was being ungrateful.
But Khloe thought there was something deeper going on with Kourtney and that she was redirecting her stress and anxiety onto her. Kourtney admitted that turning 40 was making her analyze her life. She didn't know what she wanted or who she would grow old with. She said that she and Scott were in a great place but that there was no passion with him. She felt like she had to have it all figured out by her birthday but said she was still soul searching.
Birthdays are rough. I had the same anxiety when I turned 6. It's like, wow, what I have done in these 6 years? Who am I? Sure I've been in Vogue, shot a Fendi campaign and run my own empire, but who is North the person? My therapist helped me work through these feelings, and I came to realize that I don't have to have it all figured out right now and that I'm doing way better than everyone in my family. That gave me comfort. -NW
Kim finally got a call from her doctor with her test results. The doctor said that her antibodies were positive for lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis but that there was a chance it was false positive. He wouldn't be sure until he saw her ultrasound scans of her hands and joints. Kris wanted to stay positive until they got those test results.
While Kim was studying for law school, she asked Khloe if she was sure that she wanted to invite Tristan to True's birthday party. Kim felt that everyone at the party would be too focused on her and Tristan and it would be a spectacle. Khloe said she had already made the decision to invite him and that she wanted to put everything behind her and move on with her life. Kim pressed the issue, and Khloe got really upset and left.
It'll be interesting to see how many times this season Mommy will be reminding us that she's in law school. At home, it's even worse. I once I asked her to grab me a glass of water, and she said, 'I'm in law school, so I can't.' -NW
While getting ready for True's birthday party, Khloe told her assistant that Tristan came over the day before so that it wouldn't be awkward on the day of True's party. True was excited to see Tristan, and he stayed to put her to bed, but with the intention of seeing Khloe. Khloe said he wanted to have wine and tried to hug and kiss her, but Khloe wasn't into it. Khloe said she didn't want Tristan to mistake her kindness for weakness. She made it clear to him that she only invited him to her house to see True and nothing more.
At True's birthday party, Kim and Kylie talked about whether they were going to say hi to Tristan. Scott said there was nothing wrong with saying hi and being civil. Kim decided to speak to him, but Tristan kept avoiding her. Khloe admitted it felt weird for him to be there, even though he claimed he wanted the day to go well and run smoothly.
I felt so bad for True at her birthday party. Not only were her parents fighting, but she had to wear matching outfits with her mom. Hasn't she been through enough? A powder blue slip dress with a powder blue duster. That was just cruel. -NW
Kim noticed that Kanye and Tristan were talking for a long time. Kim approached their conversation, and Tristan quickly left. Kanye told Kim that Tristan expressed to him that he didn't like that his song, "Runaway," was used to score the drama that was going on between him and Khloe in last season's episodes. He felt like they were using Kanye's music to reinforce the narrative. Kim said that they don't control the narrative. Khloe was upset that this was coming up at True's birthday party. She ended up storming off and crying.
I was the one that actually picked the song, so if Tristan had a problem, he could've come and talked to me about it like a real man. He's mad about the song; we're mad he cheated. I guess we're even. Also, he should feel lucky we used 'Runaway' because I wanted us to use Beyonce's 'Don't Hurt Yourself,' but she of course would not give us clearance. -NW
"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on E!
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