Jimmy Fallon was actually convinced the new facial adornment was for a part, but Kutcher quickly corrected him. "This is for real life!" he insisted, before going into how this thing came to be on his face, and why he's now stuck with it even though he doesn't like it himself.
"My wife has a friend who's this very famous English singer, let's just say," Ashton said coyly. "So she throws these birthday parties and they're kind of lavish."
Jimmy quickly guessed Adele, which led to a quick reprise of "Hello"; Ashton insists he sings it over his fence. He neither confirmed nor denied, but Adele is a neighbor and his little smirk said everything.
"She comes the day of the birthday party and she's like, 'Listen, the theme for the birthday party is 1970s New Year's," Ashton said. "I'm like, 'Who the --- throws a 1970's New Year's birthday party?"
Once again, Jimmy found himself completely derailed because those dashes are not a mistake, nor is that TooFab censoring Ashton's choice of words. "You just censored yourself," Jimmy marveled. "That's amazing!"
"I have children," Ashton explained. It was so smooth you'd have sworn a network censor was right there with the silence button. The guys then really put themselves to the test by going on a self-censoring rampage so impressive we couldn't even begin to chronicle it here. They said ---- and ---- and --- and even -------! It was shocking, to say the least, and yet perfectly within FCC guidelines!
Nevertheless, back to the 'stache story!
It's the day of the party and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have just been told by a British singer who may or may not but totally probably is Adele that she is throwing a 1970's New Year's Eve-themed birthday party.
"We were both on 'That 70's Show,' I think we got this," Ashton said, and based on the costume he put together, it sounds like he did. Until he looked in the mirror.
"I'm looking in the mirror and I've got a beard going and I'm like, 'Oh, I'm going '70s 'stache. It's gotta happen,'" Ashton recalled. There was just one not-so-little problem.
It wasn't a 1970s New Year's part at all. "We show up and I'm looking arond and nobody else is in 1970s anything," Ashton said. Making matters worse, Mila had setted on a timeless jumper ensemble, leaving him all alone and sticking out like a bell-bottomed, mustachioed thumb.
It turns out "the theme for the party is 1930s New Year's and I look like Burt Reynolds from 'Boogie Nights,'" Ashton said.
Did he mishear the year? Did Adele and/or Mila do this to him on purpose? Was Mila thankful she had chosen that jumper when she realized they were forty years off?
Regardless of how it happened, Ashton said it was humiliating and therefore he's now keeping his facial hair as a "spite 'stache." Or at least he was. Now Mila likes it, and he feels stuck with it.
To his credit, Ashton does wear the mustache well, which is not easy to do in this day and age. In fact, he resembles some of the classic film stars of the 1930s and '40s, so it's a shame he hadn't just gone with a suit. He'd have still fit in just fine!
Speaking of fitting in, if you want to see if Ashton picked up any skills from his years on the Netflix comedy "The Ranch," Jimmy was ready with the ultimate cow milking contest. Could he really pass for a ranch hand? See how both men fared, and who won, in the clip below: