After Emily Simpson strutted her burlesque stuff in Vegas (Shane ended up coming the next day and surprising her with flowers!) and Gina Kirschenheiter met with her attorney about "the biggest f--k up of my life" (she's looking at one year sans-driver's license), the ladies embarked on a journey to find healing at a wellness retreat in Arizona, all thanks to Shannon.
From the moment the ladies arrived, Kelly would not stop cracking jokes about sex. After all, there were dongs everywhere (like, the metal kinds you smack with a mallet), so she was behaving like a kid in a candy store, which thoroughly annoyed Shannon. Shannon wanted everyone to take the weekend seriously, but Kelly felt she was just being a stick in the mud.
Fast-forward to their first group activity: a sound bath to clear negative energy. First, the ladies went around the room and said what they wanted to let go of, all while ripping the petals off a yellow rose and tossing them into a water bowl. Everyone's responses were genuine, but when it got to be Kelly's turn, she said she wanted the sparkling water company she had invested in to make it into big-box retailers, like Costco, Target and Walmart. Shannon couldn't believe her ears, and yet she could.
"We are at a place of healing, and I feel as though Kelly's making a mockery of it," she vented. "Yeah, we all want success in our business, but how superficial is that? Don't mock the process."
When one of the healers asked if anyone wanted to "stand in a motherbowl to clear your energy field and expand your aura," Shannon volunteered. They had her step into a metal bowl and placed another one on her head. While one of the healers was doing their thing, Kelly came from behind and smacked Shannon on the head with a mallet. Shannon had her eyes closed, so she didn't realize that wasn't part of the process. "That was so not cool," one of the healers said, as Kelly laughed her you-know-what off.
"Kelly Dodd feels like the right thing to do is to whack her with a hammer," Gina said in disbelief during a later confessional. "I'm starting to feel like I don't know how I'm gonna find the zen here."
After Shannon completed her energy clearing, she walked over to where Tamra was standing and said she felt good, "except one of 'em hurt." That's when Tamra told her that smack came from Kelly. Shannon was beside herself. "Are you serious? No, like, I have a headache from it," she said, looking across the room. "It really hurts, Kelly. I have a headache now." Kelly maintained she didn't hit Shannon hard enough for her to complain, then offered Shannon the opportunity to smack her "to see if it hurts that bad." Shannon didn't take her up on the offer.
"I can take a joke any day, but there's a certain line that you cross with jokes," she told the camera. "And getting physical with anyone isn't funny."
"My head is killing me right now," Shannon whispered to Tamra, as the ladies wrapped up the session and prepared to head back to their villas. Shannon kept saying her head was hurting "so bad" and told the girls she was starting to see blurry out of her left eye. Tamra didn't want to worry Shannon but did say one of her ex-husbands once bumped his head on the top of a company truck going over a speed bump. He got a bad headache, which Tamra dismissed as such, until he ended up at the hospital due to a spinal fluid leak.
That story did nothing but further worry an always worried Shannon, and she started to cry. Tamra suggested she go see a doctor to put her at ease and because "we don't want swelling in your brain," so the two got into a car and took off.
Meanwhile, in the other villa, Kelly told the girls to "mark my words" that Shannon would find a way to make a big deal out of the incident. Lo and behold, moments later, Gina FaceTimed the ladies to say she was eating dinner alone because the other two were headed to urgent care. Kelly shouted in vindication.
"She went to urgent care?! I know I'm strong, [but] I was just trying to put a little ding. Just a little ring in the ding," Kelly told the camera. "I know she's full of crap!"
"Let's just make sure she's okay," Braunwyn suggested, as Kelly and Emily scoffed. Kelly replied, "She's a f--king dumbass!"
Although she was panicked and crying in the car on her way to urgent care, Shannon made sure to say in a later confessional, "I wanna get a check! Like, what kind of dumbass wouldn't?"
Once at the facility, an off-camera nurse was heard asking Shannon, "I have a question for you. We just have to ask if you want us to call the police to press charges? Just 'cause it's an assault, you know, like..."
More on that next week! But here are some other noteworthy mentions:
Kelly claims her American Express bill is $30,000 a month. Insane. She said she received a lump sum from her divorce settlement, so she invested $250,000 in a sparkling water company her friend started because she says she can't live forever on that lump sum.
Emily continued to put pressure on Gina about coming to Vegas, but Gina felt Emily wasn't understanding that she was going through hard times. Emily also didn't love that Gina didn't return her calls and texts post-Vegas, on top of the fact that she had become so close to Shannon.
Emily, Kelly and Braunwyn all discussed the fact that Gina had befriended someone who hated her last season, forcing them all to bond over their contempt for the situation. Kelly said Gina was acting like a freshman who wanted to get into the senior girls' sorority. Emily agreed.
It's all gotten very awkward in Arizona, and we have a feeling it'll only get worse.
"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.