"Mommy is 'done having kids' because I told her the next time she brings a baby home I will move out and sue for emotional distress," writes Nori's Black Book.
Each week, "Nori" recaps new episodes of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and gives us HER take on all the family drama.
(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)
Sunday's episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" started with Kim driving with North in the car. She explained to North that she didn't have school the following day and that Khloe was going to pick her up, but that depended on when the new baby would be born. Kim explained to a show producer who was filming in the car that her surrogate was hysterical because if she goes into labor, she has to get rushed to the hospital because the baby went from breached to transverse, an equally dangerous position. Kim's surrogate wanted her at the birth because, to move the baby, she would have to undergo a procedure to turn the baby around (aversion). Kim said she had the procedure done when she was pregnant with Saint and told the surrogate that it was more painful than delivery.
Mommy had to talk to the producer about the new baby instead of me because I refuse to speak about it on camera. I still feel like the new baby was planned behind my back, and that's a betrayal I will never get over. -NW
When Kim's surrogate was being induced for labor, she didn't end up needing an aversion because the baby was no longer breached. Kim was rushing to the hospital but couldn't get a hold of Kanye to tell him to meet her because he was not answering his phone. She called her publicist to try and track him down.
DadYe's phone was off because I have a strict no cellphone rule during Sunday Service rehearsals. Just because you are expecting a baby at any moment doesn't mean we throw all professionalism out the window. -NW
While all this was happening, Kris appeared on Ellen's Mother's Day special. Kourtney surprised Kris on the show with her grandkids -- Mason, Penelope, North, Reign, Saint and Chicago. Kourtney also surprised her with the news that Kim's surrogate was in labor. After the show, Kris FaceTimed Kim, who told her that the doctors would be breaking the surrogate's water but were waiting for Kanye to arrive at the hospital.
I'm still trying to forget this appearance because it was pure chaos, and the family did everything they could to embarrass me. Ellen has already let me know that the Disick kids will not be invited back because Penelope scratched one of her producers in the eye, and Reign flipped off the audience during a commercial break. -NW
The surrogate had an easy delivery. She pushed literally one time. Both Kourtney and Kanye were in the room with Kim and the surrogate. Kim and Kanye named their baby boy Psalm West. Kim said she felt like her family was complete and that four was the perfect number. She said she felt full in the best way and that she was done having kids.
Mommy is "done having kids" because I told her the next time she brings a baby home I will move out and sue for emotional distress. There's already six people living in my house. It's a circus. Adding a seventh person would push me over the edge. No one should be forced to live like that. -NW
Khloe and Kourtney worked out with their personal trainer while Malika and Khadijah watched. Kourtney invited Khloe on her annual girls trip to Turks and Caicos. Khloe has never gone, and Kourtney felt like it was the perfect time. Khloe agreed to go but admitted she had anxiety from all the outrageous stories she had heard about all the fighting, feuding and jealousy that's gone down in the past.
I let the Malikas go on the girls trip because Auntie Khloe was going to need extra help taking care of Baby True. Plus, I wanted someone there to keep the girls on schedule for filming. Essentially, this was a work trip for them, so they were not permitted to drink. -NW
Kim had a family gathering at her house and brought Psalm out to meet everyone. Kris was sick, so she was unable to see him at the hospital. When Kris asked Kim how she and Kanye settled on the name Psalm, she explained that the baby's name was going to Ye but that Kanye didn't like it because it didn't have any meaning. Kanye and Kim started to look in the Bible for names that began with Ye, but Kylie called at the last second and said that Psalm and Saint sounded good together. Now, all the kids call the baby Psalm-Ye.
I really don't care how it's spelled, it's pronounced Sam. Sam and Saint does have a nice ring to it. One positive thing that came of the new baby is that it provided a great opportunity for Saint to rebrand himself. -NW
Kim did a photo shoot for her bridal collection for KKW Beauty. From the shoot, Kim FaceTimed Khloe to tell her she wanted to plan a surprise vow renewal for Kanye to celebrate their five-year wedding anniversary. Khloe thought it would be really special and that she should do it.
Most people don't make a big deal over being married for five years, but when your last marriage lasted only 72 days, five years is a huge accomplishment and needs to be celebrated. -NW
Kourtney and Khloe headed out to Turks and Caicos for their girls trip. When they arrived, Larsa told Kourtney she had invited guys from Miami to join them. Kourtney was not thrilled. She just wanted to hang out with her friends and said she didn't need a guy to validate her because she's at a point in her life where she feels really good and secure.
On this episode, we really tried to explain why everyone's favorite "why are you here" girl, Larsa, was there. I think we failed miserably. -NW
The next day, Larsa followed up with Khloe about meeting up with the guys from Miami. Kourtney said she felt like she was in a different place in her life than Larsa and didn't want to hang out with the guys. Kourtney was struggling about how to tell Larsa that she didn't want to be involved with any guys on the trip. She felt like sometimes Larsa pressures her into doing things she doesn't want to do. Khloe feels like Kourtney is very dominant, but when it comes to Larsa, she's very nonconfrontational. Khloe said Kourtney needed to set boundaries to protect herself.
It's funny that Auntie Kourtney can set all kinds of boundaries when you ask her to work but can't seem to set not one single boundary when it comes to Larsa. I'm sure if Larsa came to her with a business proposal, she would learn how to set boundaries real quick with her.
What am I saying? Larsa? Business proposal? I sound insane. -NW
Back in Calabasas, Kim called Khloe to tell her that Kanye had a meeting at the house to plan their anniversary dinner. Kim was second guessing herself because, even though Kanye was planning something, she still wanted to plan a vow renewal. She wondered if she should just let Kanye plan something because, traditionally, he's always been the one to plan their anniversary and likes doing it. She didn't know what to do.
In Turks and Caicos, Larsa was giving love and life advice to Sarah, Kourtney's friend and business partner for POOSH. She was telling Sarah that she's too picky and that she needs to have a variety of guys and not just one guy. Sarah disagreed and said that she only needed one guy and that he had to make her feel safe. She said it's her life's purpose to find safety. Larsa couldn't understand. She also told her she was too skinny. Khloe felt that Sarah and Larsa were just two people speaking two different languages and understood why it was frustrating for them to talk to each other.
Larsa, who is still married, is on national television talking about hanging out with random men. Not to mention every other month she's planting stories with media outlets that she's getting a divorce. This is not someone who should be giving relationship advice. Seriously, who's idea was it to mic Larsa? Do we owe Scottie Pippen a favor that I don't know about? -NW
At Kim's house, Kim talked to Scott about how chaotic it had been since having the new baby, but she was making a serious point to spend as much time with Kanye as she could. Kim said that Kanye had really stepped up as a dad and had been amazing so she wanted to move forward with the vow renewal.
Didn't know you get rewarded a vow renewal for being a father to your own kids. The bar is on the ground. -NW
In Turks and Caicos, Larsa brought up hanging out with the guys again at dinner. Khloe felt caught in the middle between Larsa and Kourtney because Kourtney didn't want to go to the house, but she wouldn't tell Larsa.
While dancing, Sarah came up to Kourtney to tell her that someone was crying in the bathroom. Larsa overheard her and said didn't care and didn't know why Sarah cared so much. Sarah said she cared because she's a good person and didn't know why Larsa was so offended by her being concerned about the girl in the bathroom. Larsa said she thought Sarah was being a psycho, so Sarah stormed off. Kourtney thought the way Larsa was speaking to Sarah was not cool and was not going to stand for it. Khloe told Larsa she thinks she and Sarah compete for Kourtney's attention. Khloe thought emotions and alcohol were the main reason Larsa and Sarah were fighting. Larsa was insistent that she just didn't want to kill Kourtney's vibe.
Back at the house, Khloe asked Sarah if she had a problem with Larsa and said that if she did that she should confront her. Sarah said she didn't have a problem but didn't want to continue the conversation with Larsa. Khloe thought that Kourtney should be the one to facilitate things, and even though Larsa has the dominant personality, she felt Kourtney had to be the one to talk to her.
The next day, Kourtney talked to Larsa about her fight with Sarah while paddling in a canoe. Kourtney told Larsa she needs to understand where people are coming from and not be judgmental. Larsa was being stubborn and maintained that Sarah was acting like a 2-year-old. In return, Kourtney said that Larsa acted like a bully. Larsa did not appreciate Kourtney using the word bully to describe her actions and thought it was uncool. After a little back and forth, Larsa eventually agreed to be extra sensitive to Sarah.
After they returned to the land, Kourtney explained to Larsa that she was in a different place in her life. Kourtney said she was content with just hanging out with her girlfriends and didn't need guys around her. She said she doesn't feel like she needs anybody; however, she didn't want to be judgmental of Larsa and the way she chooses to live her life. Larsa understood. Kourtney felt good that she finally opened up to Larsa and said she will always be one of her best friends.
The rest of the girls trip was full of tequila, dancing, laughs and fun. Khloe said that for her first girls trip, it was actually really fun and told Kourtney to sign her up for the next one.
I want to apologize to the fans for giving Larsa a storyline for an entire episode. I know it was hard to sit through, and her braids didn't make things any easier. I understand the producers were desperate for drama, but this was not the content you all signed up for. I will make a point to be present as much as possible during editing from now on. I've already axed about three scenes from the next episode where Larsa is walking in the background. That's how much I never want to see her on this show again. -NW
On Kim and Kanye's wedding anniversary, they renewed their vows at their house. Kim invited the pastor that married them in Italy, and she surprised Kanye by writing her own vows. Kim said that it was her day, but North was quick to remind her that it was both her and Kanye's day. They didn't film the vow ceremony because they wanted to keep it personal, but Kim said it was perfect.
I had to constantly remind Mommy that, even though the vow renewal was her idea and she was essentially using it to promote KKW Beauty, it wasn't all about her. This was both her and DadYe's moment to celebrate their five-year anniversary. Being married for five years as a celebrity couple is like being married for 10 years as a regular couple. It really is something to be proud of. -NW
"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on E!
Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at firstname.lastname@example.org.