(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)
Sunday's episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" started with Khloe and Kim noticing that Kourtney had a hickey on her neck. The girls started to press her about who the hickey was from, but Kourtney asked them to let her live. Kourtney called her sisters nosy and said she likes to keep certain things private, specifically her dating life.
It really wasn't a hickey. The mark on her neck was from Penelope hitting her, but she was too embarrassed to admit it and didn't want Corey to spank P, so she just let Mommy and Auntie Khloe believe it was a hickey. -NW
Kim met with her attorney to go over a stack of letters she had received from people who are incarcerated. One letter she received was from a man named Paul who asked her to help him get his face tattoos removed so he could get a good job once he was released. Kim said she knew a doctor that could remove the tattoos for free. She called his family to tell them the good news.
Later, Kim and Kanye visited Paul and his family in North Carolina. Kim's cosmetologist traveled with her to remove Paul's face tattoos.
At Khloe's house, Khloe tried to FaceTime Kourtney, but she kept ignoring her calls. Kourtney texted her to say she couldn't speak because she was with the kids; however, Penelope and Mason were with Khloe, and Reign was with Scott.
In Auntie Kourt's defense, she never said she was with her own kids. She was having lunch with Sofia and Younes. -NW
Back at Kim's house, while Kim, Khloe and Kourtney were talking, Kourtney received a text and abruptly left the house. She would not tell her sisters where she was going. Kim and Khloe borrowed a car from someone on the show's production team to follow Kourtney, but they lost her on the freeway.
The girls followed her again days later and didn't recognize the neighborhood Kourtney was driving through. Kourtney eventually stopped at a home and went to the front door. The girls were surprised to see a man answer the door. Kim and Khloe decided to get out and sneak into the backyard of the house to get a better look.
Kourtney busted Kim and Khloe sneaking around in the backyard and asked them why they were at the house and in her business. Kourtney explained that she was there having a meeting for POOSH but told her sisters it was rude to bring the cameras because she could've been doing something personal. Kim and Kourtney said they didn't think it was fair that they share so much of their lives on the show, and Kourtney doesn't. When Kourtney isn't filming, they feel they have to pick up the slack and share more of their lives to make up for her. Kourtney said she felt her sisters put the show over her and her well-being.
When Auntie Kourtney cancels filming, we have to come up with a storyline to make up for her absence. I've even had to step in a couple times. That whole thing about my hamster was totally fabricated last minute because Auntie Kourt woke up one day and decided the energy of the day was off, so she canceled filming. I don't even own a hamster. -NW
Kim's publicist sent over some analysis for the show, which Kim reviewed with Scott and Khloe at her house. The data showed that the fans want to see more of Kim and Kanye's relationship and that Khloe was the favorite. The data also showed that there is a perception that Kourtney hides a lot of her life from the cameras. Scott said he feels like Kourtney doesn't get held accountable. Kim and Khloe agreed that the fans don't know the real Kourtney because she hides so much, even from them.
Ideally, this data would come from a sample size of viewers that are polled on the streets or that we surveyed in a series of focus groups. Unfortunately, I don't have time for all of that, so I just surveyed the Malikas, Dream and the Disick kids to get these results. -NW
Kim and Khloe then FaceTimed Kourtney to try to find a solution to Kourtney not filming and holding up her end of the bargain. When they got her on the phone, Kourtney invited her sisters over to her house for Moroccan food, but they said they couldn't come because they were filming, which they made clear was their job. Kourtney thought they had bad attitudes, so Kim said they had a proposal for her: they'd fire her from the show. Kourtney hung up on them, then texted saying she was upset and crying and felt disrespected in front of her daughter. Kourtney thought Kim was crazy if she thought she could fire her and said she didn't want to film with Kim.
I hope the viewers see how insane Auntie Kourt is being. She doesn't want to share her life or film the show, so we release her from her duties and she starts crying. Sorry, honey, but you're not going to continue to live the Kardashian lifestyle and not put in the work. This is why I closed DASH. -NW
At Kim's house, Kim and Khloe talked about how, in addition to Kourtney, Kris has also checked out of filming the show. Khloe FaceTimed Kris to drag her about how she and Kim are the only ones filming and working on the show without boundaries. Kim and Khloe told Kris they wanted her and Kourtney to step it up, or get off of the show. Kris eventually showed up to Kim's house coughing and in her PJs. Kim told Kris that Kourtney had been officially fired, but because Kris finally showed up to film, she wasn't fired -- yet.
I've wanted to fire Kris for years. It's unacceptable that she still hasn't booked us for the cover of the September issue of Vogue. The least she can do is share more about her relationship with Corey. I'm sure the viewers would be interested to know why a woman in her 60s decided to date a man younger than her daughters. -NW
At Kourtney's house, Kourtney and Kris talked about how annoying Kim and Khloe were being. Kourtney said she felt drained and thought they were putting the show above the family. Kris thought they were coming from a good place and trying to give tough love but felt they were going about it the wrong way. Kourtney said she shared everything from her relationship with Scott and that it was horrible for the relationship. She was grateful for the show, but she said she was in a different place and has sort of outgrown it. Kourtney said the private moments were special and she needed more of them. Kris felt everyone just needed to press reset and be more understanding.
I just think it's funny that none of these boundaries and desperate needs for privacy came up when we renewed our contract for $150 million dollars. -NW
Khloe had a trick planned for Kris to remind her to be vulnerable and open. In the car, Khloe played an old radio interview that Kris did on a loop about being open and honest on the show. Kris got the message but said that her life isn't that interesting right now to film.
At Kim's house, Kris wanted to check in with the girls about the show. Kris said she hated when the girls fought so she wanted to get everyone together with show's production team to air out their feelings. Kourtney said she didn't feel like there was much more she could give and that she has a lot of other stuff going on besides the show. Kim didn't understand because she said she still managed to share her life even though she has a million other things going on. Kourtney said she gives a lot of time to the show and will continue to give a lot of time to the show, but she doesn't want to film every day and have it be a toxic environment. She went on to say that her well-being was more important than the show and that she's not giving in. She eventually stormed out of the meeting. Kris didn't think the meeting went well and said she's starting to think the issue will never get resolved.
Auntie Kourtney is delusional if she thinks she can not do the show and have the 20 people who read POOSH still be interested. She doesn't have the range to be successful out here without the show. She's not Auntie Kylie. -NW
"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on E!