Champagne Explosions and a Bachelor Hung Up on His Ex -- The Messiest Season Yet Is Pure Cringe TV

We're only two episodes in on this season of "The Bachelor," and Windmill Pete (Pilot Pete to the uninitiated) is already setting up to have perhaps the messiest season in Bachelor Nation history.

Seriously, we knew we were in trouble when Hannah Brown showed up in the season premiere ... and wasn't gone by the end of it. In fact, by the end of it she'd almost derailed the season completely, and had certainly taken over the group date, leaving the other girls thinking WYD and WTF and WYD and GTFO.

This week's action picked up right where that one left off and revealed to fans that we should absolutely feel sorry for every single young lady who signed up for this season because the Bachelor is definitely not over his ex. As for Alabama Hannah, well she doesn't seem to be over any of her exes, or perhaps she just wants to date all of them some more.

After striking out with her actual choice (Jed "The Tool" Wyatt) and her back-up plan (Tyler "The Player" Cameron), Hannah went for her third strike and "Bachelor" producers were eating up every second of the melodrama. And while it might make for good soapy reality television, is this really what this franchise has become?

Hannah was sitting on Peter's lap, they were looking into one another's eyes and Peter even confessed, "I wanted to kiss her."

So yeah, there's your Bachelor, guys. Someone who still has strong feelings for his ex ... who doesn't know how to let go and just walk away.

She even admitted that she was partially there because of a "what if" rather than because she knew she'd made a huge mistake in choosing Jed over him ... and then Tyler. Yeah, Peter is right to try and cast her off, but she's not doing much better than Luke P. did when he showed up after his elimination during her season.

The ladies did their best to let Peter know that this is a new season with a new cast and they're all there to try and date him, not be the shoulder he can cry to about Hannah. Well, that Hannah, because he has a Hannah of his own, and she was at the center of the night's other messiest exchange.

Was it a simple accident, or a Machiavellian plot by "Bachelor" producers. You know what Bachelor Nation thinks, because they are only growing more cynical with every passing season.

Honestly, with Hannah B. showing up at the very start of Peter's season -- and Luke P. showing up at the end of Hannah's -- we kind of think they might be right. But would they really do something as diabolical as all this?

As evidence, let's point to the fact that Chris Harrison was touting #ChampagneGate as one of the craziest things to ever happen on any "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" show. Sure, he was right, but that doesn't mean producers didn't orchestrate the whole thing ... or at least facility the possibility of it.

It all centers around a special bottle of Dom Perignon champagne that Kelsey had been saving for over a year for a special occasion. As the cocktail party was getting underway, Kelsey was ready to share it with Peter as a symbolic gesture of how seriously she's taking this show, or perhaps as a way to just stand out from the pack ... get an endorsement deal? Whatever.

You see, there was more than one bottle of champagne around as this was a cocktail party, after all. You see where this is going? Hannah Ann (already a front-runner, but we're choosing to believe her name has nothing to do with it) was enjoying some champagne with Peter, only it turned out to be Kelsey's bottle.

Cue explosive fireworks and dramarama! Kelsey said Hannah Ann did it on purpose, Hannah Ann said it was an accident, Peter was uncomfortable, and producers off-camera were rubbing their hands together a la Mr. Burns.

But you see, this is when it got truly explosive. Peter tried to make it all better with the bottle Hannah Ann should have used, but she knocked it over before opening it and there was a slightly delayed reaction to the bubbly explosion so that it happened just as she had it to her lips.

We're talking an inverted waterfall of champagne cascading up her face and cameras caught every delicious moment of it, and Twitter could not get enough of it.

Did Hannah Ann do it on purpose? Maybe. Did Kelsey react horribly? Certainly. Was Hannah Ann's apology inadequate. Oh, definitely. Was that champagne explosion worth all of it. Absolutely!

It got so bad that Peter actually chastised Kelsey for being so mean to Hannah Ann, with about as much impact as you might expect. In other words, expect #ChampagneGate to continue throughout the season ... at least as long as these women are both there.

When you're talking about messy, there's nothing messier than food, and that left Bachelor Nation wondering why there was what appeared to be a bottle of syrup and a container of whipped cream on the table during a rather innocuous scene. Do things get that crazy at the mansion? Were they about to?

Is this like that coffee cup on "Game of Thrones" and ABC forgot to edit them out? We'll probably never know the answer to these questions because ABC probably won't care enough to answer them, but it was enough to keep BN up all night laughing and speculating about Hannahs and champagne and syrup and whipped cream.

Now this is starting to sound like "Bachelor in Paradise."

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