If you think your job is bad, spare a thought for the poor sod who ended up working here.
Actress Hollis Jane Andrews shared a job description for a nanny job she applied for back in 2013... and yikes.
The two page document listed all the requirements for a "Magical Nanny/Housekeeper", and quite frankly, one would need superpowered patience to even make it through reading the list of demands.
In 2013, I interviewed with an (unbeknownst to me at the time) Scientologist family to be their nanny. They gave this absolutely BONKERS list of responsibilities and now I give it to all of you. pic.twitter.com/le0rhiBrcg
"In 2013, I interviewed with an (unbeknownst to me at the time) Scientologist family to be their nanny," Andrews wrote. "They gave this absolutely BONKERS list of responsibilities and now I give it to all of you."
The tweet quickly went viral, as Twitter got to work picking out their favorite from the oh-so-many red flags.
"The main focus is to ensure their basic rudiments* are kept in, so that they are not crying/upsetting the rest of the house," the employer instructed (explaining in the footnotes that "rudiments" meant "sleep, food and watered").
"If I am training I don't want to hear crying or tantrums or headbutting," they warned. "If they hurt themselves, keep quiet, apply Dianetics & assist tech always."
"There is to be NO movies, whilst under your care, please turn you phone OFF whilst at work."
What followed was a strictly regimented timetable of the children's day, which included taking them for a two hour run at 9 AM. "Get them to run, throw rocks and RUN with them, don't stop them running ever."
"If they are crying and yelling, they are not happy and as a nanny you need to get them back happy again," the assignment warned.
Approaching lunch, Twitter couldn't decide if it was more offended by the fact the kids were forced to brush their teeth (again) beforehand, or that lunch consisted of "steak and ketchup".
But the real fun started at NAP TIME, when the little angels slept with their protein bottles, from 12:45 to 1:30 PM.
"Whilst they are asleep you magically transform into a cleaning nazi," the instructions read.
Thus followed a 14-point list of all the things she was expected to do in that 45 minutes, including, perhaps most disconcertingly of all, "empty out the stinking poo poo bin", whatever that was.
"If you can master all of this, then we have a happy house," it threatened.
"NO PHONES OF YOUR OWN AT ALL DURING WORK HOURS" it roared in its finale. "YOU NEED TO BE FIT FOR THESE BOYS!"
Twitter users weren't entirely convinced the job was looking after children, with many speculating Dash and Max were actually dogs, or perhaps even goats. Some prayed that they were cats, and that the stinking poo poo bin was in fact a litter tray.
But the single most offending aspect of the entire document appeared to the overuse — or indeed just use — of the word "whilst".
I’m only one paragraph in. Very offended by use of whilst.
I cannot work out how old these children are. Are they toddlers being fed protein drinks and steaks? why if they are older are they not at school and able to do their own teeth? IDK. Maybe they are just lazy teenagers.
I don’t know whether to comment on the the spelling/grammatical errors, the protein powder bottles, the never stop running, the insanity that their children must be laughing at all times or the keep quiet and apply Dianetics part but I am stressed out about literally all of it
If they’re eating eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast and steak or meatballs for lunch, why do they also need protein shakes before nap? I know that’s not the most pressing issue but like...are these toddlers Olympic weight lifters?