"Looking out at the country I'm in and feeling estranged from so much of what I see."
Lorde is getting honest with her fans about pandemic-related isolation.
On Tuesday, the Grammy Award winning artist sent a newsletter to fans detailing her state of mind throughout the pandemic and the loneliness that came with the stay at home order over the past year.
Lorde explained that 2021 hadn't been turning out the way that she had expected and called it a "real f---ing head spinner."
"Remember January 1st? I woke up and took a kayak out to the pontoon... I lay down in the sun and shut my eyes — yeah, yeah, I'm a caricature of myself at this point — thinking about the year that stretched ahead," she started her letter. "It was gonna be hard work, a big change, but nothing I didn't want, or couldn't handle. Covid was starting to recede — it'd all be sweet. F--kin sikeeeee!"
The 24-year-old got candid, "The pandemic has continued to make things difficult, lonely, or dangerous for absolutely everyone in varying degrees, but outside of that, 2021 has been tough in completely unexpected ways."
Not only did the virus take away our ability to live life as normal, but the singer also told fans that the pandemic had made her relationships feel distant and even foreign.
"Looking out at the country I'm in and feeling estranged from so much of what I see, and knowing it feels as estranged from me. Questioning what I'm doing and why, all the time, on an unprecedented level," she continued. "Dealing with rough patches in close relationships, and feeling sensitive and emotional and reactive as a result."
The New Zealand-born singer also addressed her decision to take a step back from social media as "something I've really questioned through this time." Lorde's last Instagram post was back in mid-June.
She also expressed an interest in balancing her online presence and staying connected with the rest of the world, "I'm trying to think about how best to balance the digital diet, in a way that feels fun and connected for me and you, but not at the expense of our attention, time or happiness."
"If there's one thing I know right now, it's how drawn I am to the sensual, things that make me feel like I’m a person in a body on a planet, things that feel alive," stated the "Solar Power" singer. "If this year is the year of realising things, I want next year to be the year of friction. Physical, emotional, spiritual. I want to rub up against everything, and see how it feels."