"All I wanted to do honestly in that moment was to run out and say, 'Never mind, never mind.'"
Jana Kramer is taking a look back at the emotional moment when ex Mike Caussin was served with divorce papers.
On Monday's episode of her "Whine Down" podcast, the actress -- who was joined by her best friend Kathryn -- recalled the night Caussin was given the documents, revealing she couldn't be in the same room as Caussin out of fear that she'd take him back.
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View Story"The night that Mike got served … it was literally like a drug," began Kramer, 37. "I was like, 'He can't come in this room,' because the second he comes in this room, I'm gonna probably ask for him back."
"The addict in me was like, I wanted him so badly to come in that room and hold me and love me and tell me he's sorry and give me that hit," she added. "I needed it so bad."
The "One Tree Hill" star recalled, "It felt like a movie … sitting in the lawyer's office trying to figure out how to do it."
Although her ex was served with the divorce papers at her home, Kramer said Caussin had been "out of the house" for less than a week prior. She later admitted that she "didn't know where he was staying."
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View StoryContinuing to recall what went down, the country singer noted that "by law" she wasn't allowed to give Caussin the paperwork herself. Kramer also said Caussin -- with whom she shares daughter Jolie, 5, and son Jace, 2, -- wanted to "put the kids down" that night. He was ultimately handed the documents outside of the house by his car.
"I knew what was happening … and I'm wailing, like, bawling crying," Kramer said. "Because all I wanted to do honestly in that moment was to run out and say, 'Never mind, never mind.'… Because that was the addict in me being like, 'The second he gets those papers, it's done and I can't go back to that person anymore.' … I was trying not to cry, but how could you not?"
When asked if she's had any communication with Caussin since their breakup, Kramer said, "We just talk about the kids. I mean, I have texted him. I'm going to be honest, I've texted him a bunch and been like, 'Why? This isn't what I wanted and it's not fair.'"
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View StoryThe "Friday Night Lights" actress then began to cry as she recalled "the hardest of all days," when she "officially signed" the papers last week.
"Just, like, seeing all the signatures and it not being what I wanted," she said, getting choked up. "That was a very hard day. And I called him after I signed the papers … and I expressed to him, you know, 'I know I wasn't a perfect wife, but I would have fought forever for this family and for you.'"
"From here on out, I'm going to stop with the why and the how's because now I have to move on."
Kramer filed for divorce from Caussin last month after nearly six years of marriage. The former couple was open in the past about Caussin's repeated infidelity. In the divorce docs, obtained by E!, Kramer cited "inappropriate marital conduct, irreconcilable differences and adultery" as cause for the divorce. Caussin hasn't yet made any comment on the split.
In an interview with EXTRA last week, host Billy Bush asked Kramer if she found out about Caussin's alleged infidelity through DMs and "cell phone stuff." She claimed, "That and some more... Let's just say it was bad enough that I had no choice."