It's that time of the week again where we pretend to know what's happening on "Bachelor In Paradise" and take it as seriously as possible, because all these sexy singles are on a beach in Mexico for love and not for scripted drama. It deserves the best coverage we can muster.
First, let's catch you up:
Last week, Chris made out with Krystal despite making a ton of promises to Tia on how he wanted to pursue her.
Now that you're caught up, let's get this over with.
Chris (not the Harrison variety) spent a lot of time putting his game on Tia, and then went and made out with Krystal and got "caught." And by that we mean he put his mouth on her mouth in full view of everyone's eyes.
So to wrap up the cliffhanger from last week, Tia went over to Chris and called him out for just telling her what she wanted to hear. And Chris tried to play it off like it was nothing. Nothing! The nerve.
Can you believe the whiny, entitled baby from this year's "Bachelorette" would do such a thing? A grown man who has chosen to call himself "the Goose" for some reason? Balderdash!
Krystal, the third leg to this car wreck of a tripod, waltzes up and was like, "It's like we're in a literal triangle right now!" She then sat down and just watched Chris drone on about how he didn't do anything wrong. Then Krystal was like, "I don't want any of this." Neither do we! Neither do we.
But before she could throw in the towel officially, Tia stepped up and took herself "out of the triangle." Chris hated this and basically said, You can't quit, I quit! Then Krystal immediately seemed happy that he was available again despite witnessing and taking part in the things he did, and having just said she didn't want to be a part of it.
Tia is still into Colton, regardless of everything -- including her little Chris (not Harrison) detour. And we're so over it. But we're glad she started to come back around and feel better about everything, because it was perfect timing for the fact that...
Jacqueline Showed Up And Made A Move On Colton
Another Arie Season alum, Jacqueline showed up and immediately tried to take Colton on a date, which destroyed Tia, even though he turns it down (for f--k's sake, Colton). At this point, we were thinking Tia should just go home and cut her losses, because we've had enough of her squeaky crying.
It was one thing to put herself through the Colton garbage, and another to stick around after the Christal situation (hahaha, we're the best!), so maybe it was just time for her to go home and find a guy the good ol' fashioned way: online.
Annaliese Sets Her Sights On Kenny
Awww, it was sweet! Annaliese started to move on from the Jordan bullshit from last week, and confessed she's was starting to like Kenny.
So that makes it even more brutal that Jacqueline slithered over after her Colton rejection and asked him on a date, which he accepted.
We feel like there's zero connection between Jacqueline and Kenny, and that they're only on a date to cause drama with Annaliese. We aren't stupid, producers. It felt like a business interview, not a date, so you can save your fireworks and "faking out" (making out but not putting your back into it) for some other audience.
They didn't even do anything fun! No excursion, just dinner and fireworks.
Luckily, Kenny came back to the Compound, took off his shirt, and had a chat with Annaliese who was trying her hardest to just find someone, get a rose, and not be steamrolled by the other single women every time she liked someone.
Kenny was open to it, and by that we mean they wrecked each others' mouths by pressing their teeth together, with only a thin layer of each others' lips betwixt.
John Gets More Screen Time
Despite being the single most boring person on the show, we're getting more of the John/Jubilee/Caroline triangle like it's some sort of exciting, drama-filled situation.
Jubilee pulled John over and kissed his mouth, and then Caroline wasn't going to take it, so she took him down to the shore and summoned Poseidon, who then threw his trident right into John's chest, pulling him into the dark depths of the sea.
Or she kissed his mouth too? You decide which version is real!
Chris Promised Krystal (And Us) A Surprise
So Chris (not Harrison) grabbed Krystal, right? And he told her he had a surprise for her, so they walked over to a daybed (at night), and for some awful reason everyone just PROMPTLY FORGOT ABOUT THE SURPRISE.
Chris, what was the damn surprise? You're a liar! We'll never forgive you!
Have we said this before? This show is so stupid.
Anyway, they talked about things. At least we're pretty sure they did, but we were fuming over the surprise situation and forgot to pay attention.
More Colton And Tia Stuff
Ugh. There was more Colton and Tia stuff, but it's exactly the bullshit we've already talked about, except this time it was Bibiana prompting the conversations. She even shed a tear because... uh... she believes so much in Colton and Tia's love?
Honestly, we're pretty sure at this point there was still an hour left in the show, and we almost threw the remote through the TV just so we wouldn't have to watch. But then Colton pulled Tia aside, armed to the teeth with Bibiana's advice, and told Tia he is choosing her and going to give them an honest chance.
It was never not going to happen, so, cool? Please let this be the end of it.
The men had the power and four women were about to go home. You'd think that'd be the craziest thing about the night, but it was Jordan's outfit that caused the stir.
It was like a red floral romper lookin' thing, and he owned it. Everyone else was just a hater.
After that shock wore off, Chris (Harrison) came out and said it was time to get down to business and that everyone needed to have their important conversations.
First up it was Astrid and the Fireman, who "Lady and the Tramp'd" a big sausage together. Thanks! We hated it!
Then it was Jordan and Jenna, where Jenna asked Jordan to do a model walk and pose for her. So he did, because he's confident in his own skin and honestly an inspiration sometimes. He then said some nice things to her, which led to them invading each others' mouths with their tongues.
John and Caroline had a chat too, and it was boring like usual. Then he went and got a massage from Jubilee, which is the show trying to make him interesting. Who did he choose? You'll just have to wait and see! We know you're dying to know!!
Bibiana stepped up and told Kenny what's up, then kissed his mouth flaps.
Jacqueline then pulled Kenny aside and also kissed his mouth flaps.
So did Annalies, but instead of just bumpin' faces, they threw on masks and wrestled before they touched mouth flaps.
David Tried To Steal Jenna Again
David brought Jenna a birthday gift -- a giant stuffed dog, which was about 8 times larger than the one Jordan gave Annaliese earlier in the season. And it worked! Jenna was giggly about it.
Then Jordan rolled up, grabbed the dog, and threw it into the ocean, where it sank straight to hell. Or into a whale's mouth, which is probably a crime. Anyway, it happened.
Jordan then went back into the Compound where Jenna said she was confused and walked away. Jordan then sat there, quietly, until David approached him and said it was just a gesture. Jordan said, well that's great and all, because he just dragged that gesture's "ass across the beach" and that maybe, just maybe, he was the "bigger dog."
Joining the rest of singles, Jordan then got into an argument with Chelsea (who?) and Jubilee who were making fun of him for both his antics and his outfit. He flipped out on them, to everyone's shock, and stormed off after saying some offensive shit like to "shut the f--k up."
It was then Annaliese who went to calm him down and tell him it's not OK to talk to women like that (it isn't!), and he just refused to see where she was coming from. Luckily, she did talk some sense into him eventually, but we regret saying that he's inspirational from time to time anyway.
If you haven't noticed, we have a love/hate relationship with Jordan.
He then apologized to everyone for his tirade -- quickly, and like a weirdo -- and mentioned that not everyone might realize the history between David and him.
Jordan offered Jenna his rose, and she took it. He admitted he's in the doghouse right now, too.
David gave his rose to Chelsea.
Kevin gave Astrid his rose.
Chris (not Harrison) gave Krystal his rose, while he was wearing a really dumb headband.
John gave his boring rose to Jubilee, so that was the end of one of the triangles. Sorry, Caroline.
Joe gave Kendall his rose.
Colton gave Tia his rose (barf).
Eric gave his rose to Angela.
Which leads to Kenny, who gave out the final rose of the night. He literally had 3 of the 5 final ladies in a love square with him, so he basically decided on 3/4 of the women going home.
He gave his rose to Annaliese!
So that means Caroline, Jacqueline, Nysha, and Bibiana (noooo, she's been a matchmaker!) were loaded into a boat, given a few days worth of food and water, then sent off to sea to find love somewhere else on the planet.
P.S. We really thought we'd be seeing more yachts at this point.
Episode Yacht Count: 0
Total Yacht Count: 1
"Bachelor in Paradise" airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.