Apparently "Bachelor in Paradise" is on twice a week! Did you know that? And both episodes are two hours long! That's four hours of BiP. Well, more like two hours of BiP and two hours of commercials. Still, who had the bright idea that anyone needs this much?
Wait, and who had the bright idea that anybody needs an article covering all of the hours of the show? Who is reading this? Why are you reading this?
The Colton Cliffhanger™ Gets Wrapped Up... For Now
Remember last week's cliffhanger? Remember Monday's? Producers better hope the people on this show don't send home Colton, because there'd be nothing to cliffhanger for the next episode!
On Monday, Becca from "The Bachelorette" showed up to chat with the ladies, and prove to us that all of this show is happening in a shared "Bachelor"-verse, but the real reason she showed up was because we are gluttons for drama and just seeing her was going to torture the Verified Virgin, Colton.
Colton's already been having a rough time because of Tia's clinginess (his feelings, not ours), so when he spotted Becca, he ran off with tears streaming down his face saying he doesn't wanna play anymore and he's gonna take his ball(s) home and that'll show everyone.
For real though, he was breaking down because he said he's still in love with Becca, and this was the first he'd seen her since she let Tia talk her into giving him the axe on this season of "The Bachelorette."
Now that you're caught up, here's what happened: Becca sat down, took his hands, and told him she wants to leave Garrett for him and spend forever in paradise running a beach stand selling Coronas to Instagram models from Southern California.
Just kidding! They had a fine chat and there wasn't a need for a cliffhanger.
Becca, actually, was a champ with the whole thing. She kept her composure, and she just flat-out told him that her breakup with him was how she was feeling at the time. Colton then asked if Tia played a part in it. She said she did see Tia that day, but she felt stronger for the other dudes.
And that was pretty much it. It went on a bit as they both talked about whether not it's OK to cry, and whether or not anyone is ever ready to move on, and it was apparently what Colton needed. He got the closure.
Jenna, from Arie's season, joined the show -- and boy did the BiP want us to know she makes waves. Like the beach!
Anyway, Chris (Harrison!) gave her a date card so she could waltz in and pick a dude right away. And guess what? Jordan did some waltzing too: right onto our shit list. He was super quick to catch feelings for Jenna based on looks alone. Poor Annaliese.
Of course Jenna asked him to come chat with her.
And, guys, they were the SAME PERSON! So can we really blame him for following his heart? Well, it depends on how he lets Annaliese down… which was not great. That comes later. But first he accepted the date with Jenna right in front of her, and everyone started commenting on how perfect Jordan and Jenna would be together, also forgetting Annaliese was right there!
Brutal. We like Annaliese and she deserves better.
Jordan and Jenna's date involved riding horses on the beach, and Jordan immediately was upset because he and horses don't really click -- but he took in a stride, and they hit it off. He and Jenna, and also he and the horses.
We feel bad for Annaliese, but who are we to put a stop to perfection? To destiny? We have to admit, they seem pretty perfect together. The only perfect person for a vain person would be themselves, right?
Then Jordan called himself a "young Hasselhoff" and we'll be damned if the guy doesn't say the best things, all the time.
He and Jenna then put each other's mouth on their own mouth in front of what we can only assume is most of the mermaids in the ocean.
Annaliese Gets Let Down -- Hard
This show isn't about tact.
This show isn't about being careful with hearts.
This show is about a bunch of beautiful people getting sand in very uncomfortable places as they plow in front of thousands of crabs.
Annaliese seems like a sweetheart, and we defended Jordan last week in the wake of David's attempt to ruin his life, because we believed he was down to "sign the Liese" (we just came up with that, feel free to express your outrage at TooFab on Facebook about it), but now it seems like he's rushing into Jenna (at least his tongue is rushing into her mouth) without any care for Annaliese's potential broken heart.
Annaliese was even talking about how she was caring for Jordan more than she expected, and that she wouldn't be surprised if she was with him in the end.
Cut to Jordan making out with Jenna outside of the Compound (should we call it that?) and it sounded like they were kissing with a microphone between their lips. As they walked back inside, it was almost like Jordan didn't even know Annaliese existed.
But then Jordan sat her down and was open and honest with her -- he just did it in the most brutal way. His honesty was cutting, and he told her that he wanted to pursue Jenna, and that he promised her his rose already.
Get this, though. He then said that if something should happen, however, Annaliese would be is backup because she "deserved to find love." Almost immediately afterwards, he started making out with Jenna again while the show had to censor her practically naked buttocks.
We can pretty easily separate ourselves from this show and how trashy it is, but f--k, Jordan. What are you doing? He says some hilarious stuff, but that does not excuse how he just treated Annaliese, real or setup by the producers.
We're pretty vocal about not liking David because he's a snitch, but we gotta be honest: seeing him try to torpedo Jordan and Jenna was a little slice of delicious schadenfreude for us because of how Jordan just treated Annaliese.
David brought Jenna a birthday cake, and tried his hardest to paint Jordan in a bad light and swoop in and steal her. Jordan then walks up, trying to hide his fury.
It was awkward, and as David kept talking, we kept going back and forth on whether or not Jordan deserved it, or if we just did not like David and wished he would shut up forever and go away.
So Jordan threw the cake into the sand, in a funny but serious way, and Jenna was somehow OK with it. Then Jordan said probably the best thing we've heard him say:
He said that Mr. Rogers brought back television for children, and that David has done nothing of the sort, and that he himself was f--kin' Mr. Rogers in the situation.
Caroline, from Arie's season, walks right in with a date card and lots of nerves. She talked to Joe, but was so nervous she excused herself to use the bathroom and didn't come back (some say he's still sitting there waiting for her to this day). Then she talked to John, and they connected a bit -- at least for John! He seemed smitten, and really wanted it to be true for her, too.
Those vibes got confirmed! She asked John on the date.
John And Caroline's Date Got Swarmed By Wild Animals
OK, we'll say it: John is boring. We thought Caroline might be too, but then she kept getting distracted by stray animals during dinner. It was actually kind of funny, because she kept making John name the animals.
"Freddy!" he named the first one. And then... well, we forget the others and rewinding takes effort.
But it just... it just wasn't the most exciting segment this show has had, especially when someone was throwing a birthday cake earlier in the episode. On one hand it was a breath of fresh air, on the other, it wasn't the trashy fix of drama we've been getting so far.
Things went well though, and they both kissed at the end.
Jubilee Shows Up With A Date Card, On A Warpath For Love
All the men immediately commented on how hot Jubilee is, and discussed that she was, indeed, in the military. Someone mentioned she was "spicy" during Ben's season.
All the women became insecure.
First, Jubilee pulled Kevin, the Canadian Fireman, to talk. Honorably, he straight up said he wanted to see where things went with Astrid before pursuing anyone else.
Then, Jubilee pulled John, and Caroline was super nervous about it. So she decided to be a little more aggressive with her feelings. She pulled him aside after his meeting with Jubilee, got cozy and then... Jubilee walked up and asked him on a date. HE ACCEPTED.
Is it because he's an awkward turtle and panicked and couldn't turn her down? He was literally JUST telling Caroline how much fun he had with her the night before, and that he wanted to keep hanging out and getting to know her. Then he accepted the date in front of her.
What is it about Paradise that turns people into idiots?
John and Jubilee went ziplining! Which, first of all, no thanks. Heights are the worst, and the thrill will never trump the fear of plummeting to your death. Everyone agrees, we don't even need to discuss this.
Second of all, we really didn't get the vibe that he and Jubilee were vibing harder than he did with Caroline, despite all they had in common (programming, playing music, etc.). But we did find out that John programmed the Venmo app, so he's probably loaded.
None of this stopped John from putting his lip flaps on Jubilee's lip flaps, and moving them around. And we know we just met her, but we feel real bad for Caroline, who seemed to genuinely like John.
Are we naive? Is this just what this show is? A bunch of beautiful people being shitty to each other?
Kenny, after a great date with Krystal, and after Krystal gave him her rose, set up a cute little date spot for them on the beach. Then Krystal told him he's moving too fast, and that she wanted them both be open to other people if something should show up.
Kenny was taken aback and even used the term "friend-zoned" during his confessional, even though that's not a real thing and is actually a bullshit term, so we're not too heartbroken for him. Be a man. Just because you made a little date blanket thing doesn't mean she owes you shit.
He then sat down with Eric and started talking about cheese as some sort of metaphor, and honestly we couldn't follow it.
So Krystal Moves On Immediately To Chris (Not Harrison)
Krystal goes and joins Chris on the daybed (at night though), and cuts to the chase: she wants to explore a connection with him. Chris, being the same awful specimen we saw during "The Bachelorette," immediately said he's not in a relationship and admits he has never kissed a blonde before, as if that's an important mountain to climb for everyone.
So they kissed, and we could tell this was the cliffhanger for next week, because Tia is caught up in yet another triangle.
Colton then put on his White Knight hat (helmet?) and decided it needed to be him to tell Tia what happened between Chris and Krystal. Of course he would be the one to break the news to her. Tia didn't mind it came from him, but she was PISSED at Chris, and rightfully so.
So the episode ended with Chris bragging about it to Jordan, who was also being a dildo about the situation to be honest, and Tia approaching Chris to hopefully tell him to f--k off.