No budding relationship is safe on this show, so don't root for anyone.
This episode opened with the ladies burning sage to cleanse them of the drama that happened on Monday. To that, we say that after this season there won't be enough sage in -- what country produces the most sage? If only there was a way for us to look that up -- the world to cleanse our senses, TVs, and computers of this show.
Anyway, so all the ladies kicked off the show by smelling like burnt herbs.
On Monday's episode, Jordan lost his mind over the giant dog David gave to Jenna for her birthday. He, without a word, snatched it and sent it to a watery grave in the ocean. Then, he aired his frustration with David towards two of the women in the Compound, using uncalled-for language and all the rage a man who uses "saltwater spray" in his hair can muster.
He might have apologized to the group, and offered his rose to Jenna (which she accepted), but she's now fed up with Jordan and ready to keep her options open.
Sounds like David won that round! You know, even though he's basically the non-puppet, human version of Salacious Crumb.
The Show Goes After Joe And Kendall
Didn't Kendall and Joe know not to fall for each other so early on in the season? That's just a high-profile target for the show to try and f--k with, and f--k with it did. The producers decided they were going to mess with one of the strongest couples in the game (the other being Astrid and the Canadian Fireman) by bringing in new meat.
And that meat's name is Leo!
Leo was one of our favorite dudes from this recent "Bachelorette" because of his ridiculous mane, and we'd be lying if we weren't glad he emerged from the ocean on a dolphin to try and find love on the island. And, we'll just say it right now: we'll be so upset if he turns out to be awful like the rest of these folks (spoiler alert: he is).
Anyway, it was Leo who was brought in to drive a wedge between Kendall and Joe's beautiful progress... and it worked.
Leo didn't actually ride in on a dolphin, he just looks like he was born and raised in Atlantis after it was claimed by the sea and has been working as a romance novel cover ever since. As Leo arrived, just like most new arrivals, he showed up with a date card in-hand.
First, Leo pulled Jenna to the side to talk, and made sure to tell her about her perfect teeth.
Then, Leo pulled Krystal to chat. They talked about his stunt show, and also her butt. Chelsea, out of nowhere, walked up and stole him and flat-out said she's physically attracted to him.
Finally, Leo pulled Kendall to talk. Notice how he pulled all of the women in somewhat strong or drama-filled relationships (and that Chelsea was nice foreshadowing)? Thanks producers. We see what you're doing.
So Leo and Kendall "hit it off," during their chat but we're skeptical that it's real. Of COURSE he asked her on the date. Why not put Joe through more shit? She accepted Leo's date invitation.
Before she left, though, she talked to Joe about it -- who wished her nothing but the worst on her date. Then they had a superawkward hug/kiss moment. If she breaks Joe's heart, this nation will eat her alive.
Kendall's Date With Leo
Kendall and Leo went to an infinity pool where a photographer was waiting. Well, not so much a photographer as a writer -- a romance novelist! -- and he needed a photo for the cover of his book. Didn't we JUST mention how Leo looked like he spent his time on the cover of romance novels?
This novelist then went into what his book is about, and it was being reenacted by a bunch of "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" alums -- we recognized Arie, who, honestly, why in the world was he chosen to be a Bachelor? -- but we can't even remember what the story was about. It wasn't really funny, the reenactment was trash, and we might have dozed off during it.
Anyway Leo and Kendall played "find the tongue" in each other's mouths with their own tongues in the pool after a couple of pics, and Joe was back in the Compound not knowing his heart was about to break into a million pieces.
As soon as Kendall got back, she went and spoke with Joe. It was awkward.
Joe looked extremely uncomfortable, and even more so when he asked if they made out. She confirmed -- and Joe was upset, understandably, and accused her of just "kissin' everybody" now, which was not cool, but you could tell he didn't have a way with words to express how hurt he was.
Take a screenshot, dear readers, because this is the most serious we'll ever take this show. Joe is constantly getting the raw deal and we thought he and Kendall would be the outliers this season.
These producers suck.
Kendall spent some time talking to Astrid about it, and said that she just deep down knew Leo was more right for her than Joe, which was interesting because she had only just met the guy.
Elsewhere in the Compound, Leo showed his true colors to the dozens of people watching at home when he then took Chelsea to get "caught in the rain." She then "showed him the hot tub" and he confirmed that she was "naked under her clothes." First of all, we're aware we're not using quotations right, it's called making a joke. Second of all, we're all naked under our clothes so that was a dumb question, Leo. Third of all... Kendall, you went for the wrong dude.
And oh yeah: Joe saw Leo and Chelsea go off alone together.
We Don't Like Leo Anymore
The next morning, Joe was opening up to Chris (not Harrison) about how he feels about Kendall, and then Kendall showed up -- and Leo showed up too shortly after.
Right across from Joe, Kendall went over to Leo, who immediately got all touchy-feely (kissing her on the shoulder) and started talking about how "he's an alpha" and would get jealous if he saw her kissing Joe in front of her. What a dumb thing to say all around -- there's nothing worse than when a dude calls himself an "alpha" with a straight face, and all of this is especially true after the shit he pulled with Chelsea the night before.
We're only invested in Joe's heart at this point. Real talk. We were also excited that we hadn't seen Colton or Tia at all this episode, and honestly it felt so good to not to be in their bullshit for a while.
Then Colton gets a date card from the producers like he actually needed one -- he already had one! -- when there are guys out there that hadn't been on a date yet and need to figure things out.
We were furious that he got that card. He took Tia. The producers are dumb.
We Refuse To Cover That Garbage Colton/Tia Date
Look, we've had enough of Colton and Tia, and their date didn't end in an argument or one of them drowning off the coast while trying to ride a sea turtle, so we don't really feel the need to cover it more than some quick bullets:
They went dancing in a public square, and also played musical chairs
Tia wanted them to label themselves "boyfriend and girlfriend"
Raven and some dude showed up (we found out his name is Adam, and they found love in Paradise), and we guess she's good friends with Tia
Tia said it was the best date she's ever had, and they won at musical chairs
Tia and Raven had a chat, where Raven said she doesn't trust Colton
We yawned a few times -- maybe three times
Tia and Raven cried and stuff
Raven said she'd cut Colton's penis off, and that he'd never lose that virginity if he hurts Tia
Tia couldn't stop touching her hair like usual
Colton and Tia labeled each other just like she wanted and we dry-heaved a few times, like maybe three times
A Wedge Gets Driven Between Jenna And Jordan
By Benoit (Ben-WAH) from Winter Games! We don't know what Winter Games is/are (just kidding -- we're experts!) (or are we?), but he's French-Canadian and all the ladies love that accent.
Oh, and apparently (through context clues and tons of exposition) Benoit was engaged recently and now he isn't. So that explains why he's in Paradise with these other class acts.
We hadn't had much Jordan/Jenna drama yet this episode, so of course Benoit rolls in to the Compound and takes her on a date. This didn't sit well with Jordan, but he dug his own grave. Hard shrug.
Jenna And Benoit's Date
Jenna and Benoit went to dinner while Jordan was back at the Compound fuming, talking about how Benoit might speak French, but that he can speak the language of love -- which is in English and just something "you do with your tongue."
Moving on, Benoit asked Jenna about Jordan. She handled it really well and did not speak ill of him, but we could tell she was on the fence about Jordan since The Dog Incident -- and that she didn't really dig how she felt like he considered her "his."
Benoit then French kissed Jenna while it was raining, and we'll be honest: the passion was there. How much of that was real passion, and how much of it was the fact that he's French and passion is the air he breathes? We don't know. They even "Lady and The Tramp'd" some sort of dessert!
Benoit's mouth was even completely red from her lipstick and he did not care one bit.
He was waiting for Jenna and Benoit to show up after their date, and asked if he could talk to Jenna on the beach. He showed her his message, and opened up about not being able to fake how he feels, and that he likes her, and how it scares him. But Jenna needed to tell him about the connection she had with Benoit and that she wants to pursue it.
She said she didn't want to compare the connections between her and Jordan and her and Benoit.
Jordan then took the high road and said she didn't need to decide right then, but that she was the only one keeping him there, so if she could let him know when she knows how she feels, that'd be great.
Jenna told the cameras she could see a future with both of them.
And then there was no real cliffhanger, though, so uh... OK bye!
Episode Yacht Count: 0
Total Yacht Count: 1
"Bachelor in Paradise" airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.