"All that sitting on our asses and watching TV was actually training to save the world."
While his show has been shut down and his staff was sent home, Stephen Colbert still found a way to roast President Donald Trump and anyone not self-isolating during the coronavirus pandemic with a blistering "Late Show" monologue ... from his bathtub.
On Monday, the late night host dropped a "very special social distancing edition of The Late Show" from his bathroom dubbed "The Lather Show." Decked out in a full suit, but surrounded by bubbles, he then launched into a 10-minute monologue.
"My first guest tonight, you can see, is Mr. Bubble," he began. "Followed by a performance from the legendary duo Head & Shoulders."
"The big story tonight is all you people. People all over America have hunkered down in their own houses to ride out the coronavirus," he continued. "The CDC is saying this might go on for the next eight weeks. So get comfortable. And try to look on the bright side, you're finally going to get a chance to binge watch all that toilet paper you bought and you better watch it Jack, I'm coming for it. I did not plan well."
Noting he'd been "avoiding human contact since before it was cool," Colbert went on to celebrate the accomplishments of William Shakespeare and Sir Isaac Newton from their time in self-isolation.
"If you're watching this from home, you're doing the right thing," he went on. "I'm at home, every member of my staff is home because we need to slow the spread of this virus. Epidemiologists call this flattening the curve, but based on my current level of inactivity and stress baking, I definitely will not be flattening my curves."
He then showed off a delicious-looking tart he cooked the previous night, before highlighting a graph showing how we should all be flattening the curve and taking aim at Trump's press conference on Monday.
"Did you hear that? Don't get together in groups of more than 10 people. This important information coming from the coronavirus task force, which has 21 members," he joked. "This is actually a good math lesson for all those kids now being home-schooled. Question, if the coronavirus task force has 21 members but groups aren't allowed to contain more than 10 people, how many more months are we going to have to be eating Chef Boyardee?"
Colbert went on to roast Trump for not sounding all that reassuring and for disbanding the pandemic response team. Of Trump saying we'll all "have a big celebration together" when this pandemic is under control, Colbert added, "Yes, it's true, we will all celebrate... the inauguration of anyone else."
He then called out other politicians for not self-isolating and Disney World remaining open and packing visitors in for fireworks, before saying Americans have been preparing for this for years.
"This time of national peril, we all have to do our part. And by do, I mean don't. We have to don't our part," he said. "There's no country more prepared for that than the USA. Turns out Americans weren't lazy couch potatoes this whole time, all that sitting on our asses and watching TV was actually training to save the world."
He ended his monologue by putting a new spin on a famous JFK quote, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how many episodes of 'Love Is Blind' you can watch in one sitting."