We've been told multiple times by friends that they actually like this show better than the main varieties, so let's jump into the premiere and wade through the garbage together and see if they're right, shall we?
First, The Show Tries To Convince You It Doesn't Exist To Be Scandalous
Right off the bat, Chris Harrison comes on through narration and tries to tell the audience that "Bachelor in Paradise" is about finding love, and that there are marriages, proposals, and even new generations being born because of it.
Chris, you're not fooling anyone. We know why we watch this show.
Case in point: he called it a chance to find love, and then it cuts to someone yelling, "It's about to get coco-nuts!"
Okay, we were like SECONDS into the intro and we noticed that the most recent Bachelorette's (Becca Kufrin) best friend is on this season! And you know who else? Colton!
If you didn't watch the recent season of "The Bachelorette," you might not know there was a love triangle that was really pushed hard by the producers. Colton and Tia dated and made out once, and Tia's feeling for him ultimately got Colton booted off the show by Becca near the end, because she and Becca are friends -- and she told Becca she still had feelings for Colton.
Of course the producers want to keep cashing in on that! They also want to cash in on David and Jordan, who were at each other's throats the entire time they were vying for Becca's heart.
Anyway. Let's continue.
Welcome To Mexico
Amid blue waters, crabs, iguanas, and lots of alcohol, our singles move in, primed and ready to argue and mouth-kiss their way to... wait, do people win this show? Is it just to find love? Ok.
Luckily, Chris Harrison schooled us: there ARE rose ceremonies, dates, and people going home -- and new people arriving -- each week. So for all you newbies out there, that's what's up (we're definitely not new to this, why do you keep saying that?)!
As the singles (Contestants? What should we be calling them?) started arriving, though, the first thing we noticed is how into Tia's feet Eric is. Like, there's nothing wrong with being into feet, we guess, if that's your thing -- but maybe hold off on that for a while until you get to know people?
Early on, Bibiana shows up, right? She's greeted by Chris Harrison, and automatically launches into a joke: the roads were really bumpy to get there, and it was the most action her "uterus had seen in a long time."
Chris flat out responds, "I don't know what that means," but laughs anyway.
We hope Chris finds love this season.
Grocery Store Joe Makes His Return!
A man of few words and plenty of smiles, Joe slayed the nation after leaving extremely early during Becca's season. Everybody loved him.
Chris Harrison greeted him on his way into paradise, and flat-out told him not to screw it up this time. Man, now we know why Chris makes the big bucks -- he's amazing when the suit comes off and paradise descends.
The Bartender, Wells, Meets Wills
This is going to be fun! The Bartender, his name is Wells (from Season 11), just met Wills, and apparently there's a Wells vodka in the mix too. So Jordan's mind melted when he thought about Wills ordering Wells from Wells.
Honestly the show could revolve around this and it would make us so happy.
Kendall and Joe broke off from all the arrival festivities to have a conversation about picnics. During this conversation, Kendall revealed her favorite place to picnic: cemeteries! Nobody is there, there's free parking, and, you know, the dead people.
So this naturally turned the conversation to dead people.
Joe asked if the dead people freaked her out, and she said no, and he quickly said he wasn't either. Then she asked him if he'd ever seen a dead body -- we aren't joking, these people just met -- and he sheepishly said yes.
Cut to Kendall talking to the camera about how she didn't expect them to be hitting it off! Amazing. We guess leaving this mortal coil is truly the great equalizer, and if they can be on the same page about that, they could be on the same page about anything.
Both Tia and Kendall seem to really dislike this Krystal gal, so it'll be interesting to see if the producers are mining some sweet, sweet drama here. Actually, it started pretty early -- Joe walked off with Krystal for some alone time while Kendall looked on. Remember, he and Kendall hit it off earlier.
Joe and Krystal did not talk about dead people, though, if you were wondering. They talked about heritage and seemed to click.
David Shows Up -- Sorry Jordan!
The best part of David showing up is that Jordan saw someone come to the beach, but couldn't make out who it was... and he had just gotten done talking about him.
David approached him, and gave him a handshake and that was it. They're gonna fight, we just know it.
Even though she didn't want it, the producers shoved the first date card in Tia's face, and all we heard from her was that she only wanted to take Colton on a date (who hasn't shown up yet) and she would have trouble picking from the other guys.
Also, hold up -- could she pick another woman if she wanted to? Not like to cheat the game, but rather to follow her feelings if she had a fluid sexuality? Has anyone LGBTQ+ been repped on these shows yet?
Anyway, she did choose someone after shedding the first tears of the season (less than an hour into the premiere, come on). She chose Chris -- the guy who had a couple of creepy meltdowns with her best friend on the "Bachelorette."
And this kinda broke Grocery Store Joe's heart! He thought he had a nice connection with Tia. But this made Krystal happy, because she likes Joe, but then Joe asked Kendall for some one on one time, so Krystal got sad.
Is it going to be like this every episode? Holy shit we're just an hour into this thing.
Anyway, Tia and Chris even held hands on their way to their date, which happened that very night. Joe and Kendall held hands walking away too.
We guess that's just how they do it in paradise! That's probably all anyone is willing to do on the first night anyway.
Boy were we wrong. A little fast, guys! Y'all met like two hours ago. Unless... is that the point of this show?
Joe and Kendall went and had some alone time, some awkward conversation, and some very heavy making out. Krystal saw it too, and she decided Joe wasn't for her in that moment.
Kevin Makes Out With Krystal
This show is RELENTLESS.
But, we want to take this moment and say that Kevin (who we haven't mentioned yet) is, no joke, James Marsden with more muscles, more hair, and a Canadian passport. Dude looks exactly like Cyclops.
Actually, Everyone Makes Out With Everyone
What have we gotten ourselves into...
Nick didn't get to make out with anyone, because he was so forward with Chelsea that she said she felt sick and wanted to go to bed. Nick needs to get the boot, because we see zero redeeming qualities in him. Gross.
Tia's Date With Chris
Tia and Chris left the beach and went out to dinner!
Immediately they sat down and brought up Colton with each other. Tia claimed that if something was going to happen with Colton, it would have happened already, and she brought Chris on the date because she wanted to get to know him better.
She convinced him the Colton situation is behind her now. Nope! Nope.
Which is fine, we don't like Chris for a few reasons: how he acted on Becca's season, and how often he says the word "like."
Then they kissed. So is she into Colton or not? Someone is lying here. Either she's lying to Chris, the show is lying to us, or we're lying down on the ground because we feel like we're drowning in clips of people kissing.
And Then Colton Shows Up Because These Producers Want To See The World Burn
And guess what? Chris Harrison gave him a date card before he even hit the beach.
So who did he choose as soon as he showed up, after an awkward hug with Tia? Not Tia. First he pulled Kendall to the side, which was weird, and Kendall was like why did you pull me aside, bro, be sensitive to Tia's feelings.
Then Astrid got a cutaway and mentioned it was a red flag! Girl, we like you.
After talking to a few other women who were definitely not Tia, Colton did end up taking Tia on the date. She has now been on 100% of the dates so far this season.
Colton And Tia's Date
It was on a yacht! We wonder how many yachts we'll see our contestants on this year. Let's keep count.
Yacht Count: 1
They spent time talking about their past together, and Colton decided he needed to ask Tia about why she sunk his chances with Becca. He even admitted that he had feelings for Becca.
Tia apologized, but man, that was such a shitty move on her part during "The Bachelorette" so don't fall into the Tia trap again so soon, Colton.
She then said she's still interested in him, and that something was drawing her to him. And Colton responded that he wanted her to know he's NOT closing the door on them, but it's not going to be so easy.
No definitive answers, of course.
We weren't positive we were going to do the whole "red flag" for this show like we do for "The Bachelor/Bachelorette," but then the show forced our hands: Tia plugged her nose as she jumped in the water.
RED FLAG, COLTON. ONLY CHILDREN DO THAT!
Then they made out. Poor Chris from last night's date.
At the end of the episode, all the guys are freakin' furious about Colton being there. They were mainly mad that he's messing with Tia's mind, that he just wants to be on TV and get roses, etc. So, a group led by Chris decided to approach Colton as soon as he got back from the date.
That group also included Nick and Jordan. But literally everyone was saying Colton's showing up put a bad vibe on the season already, soooo, yeah.
But we'll have to see how it plays out next week! Thanks for reading!