We're just wondering how the producers plan on keeping the drama levels high, because there was literally blood on the floor at one point. What the hell is Becca Kufrin to do (other than kiss everyone -- get it, girl!)?
Just kidding, they're going to lean into the David vs. Jordan rivalry. Which is fine, it's entertaining, but we can't wait until they're both sent packing at this point. Let's just all admit right here and now that neither are right for Becca. Can't we just have one dating show where everyone gets along, everyone focuses on falling in love, and is just so sweet that we're all on the verge of getting diabetes?
OK, so here's the deal with the bloodshed, and we want to get it out of the way because despite the show's best efforts to insinuate it, nobody got their ass kicked: David fell off his top bunk (so we think, nobody ever confirms it wasn't the bottom bunk, they just added railings to the top ones and imply it -- and, hold up, why weren't there railings there in the first place? -- but nobody ever SAYS it was the top bunk) and onto his face. One of the guys even said he was worried that David was gonna die because of all the blood.
OK. Well, fine. It must of hurt, but come on! Come. On. David sounded just fine on the phone when Becca was told he was in the hospital. But even before that incident, though, we were having trouble being in David's corner anyway because:
He's a snitch.
We're pretty sure we saw him scrambling eggs without steadying the bowl with his free hand.
That kind of disregard for food safety is a major red flag. We just hope Becca found his tattling on Jordan to be super petty, because she wasn't around to witness eggsactly how little care he was putting into making breakfast.
Jordan, mind you, is just as ridiculous as David -- but for other reasons. During the first group date of the night, he gloats about having FOUR THOUSAND matches on Tinder in one year. That means not only does he spend a hefty amount of time on the app, he's actively swiping on at least four thousand ladies -- because he isn't counting the non-matches. But wait, he's pretty sure he's got a 100 percent success rate, so, you know, cool.
We're glad Becca found out, and we're glad she called him out on it right away, even though the way David did it was slimy! We wish she would have also called Jordan out on the words coming out of his mouth, though, because claiming you're "always" in your element is just the worst. We wouldn't be surprised if we get reports of a handful of fans of the show injuring themselves from rolling their eyes harder than anyone has ever done so before (and while we're on the topic of ridiculous things he says, we also have to mention how he felt her "dissolve" in her chair because of his foot massage, and that nobody can tear him down because "my image is me," which makes absolutely no sense but whatever.).
Get Injured Doing What You Love, and You'll Never Have to Do What You Love Again
Speaking of injuries, there was one more injury for the night, and that was for footballer Clay. He hurt himself -- you guessed it -- playing football on the second group date, earning himself a pity rose later on and a tough decision as to whether or not he should stay in the game or make an exit to focus on recovering.
Spoiler alert: he left.
He was not going to win anyway, mostly because we couldn't imagine him getting into enough drama before the finale. Becca is in PR, even she knows in her heart that it wouldn't work -- for ratings or her future.
OK, what else happened? Oh, the whole Colton/Tia (Tia Booth) thing. Let's do a quick rundown of that before we let you get back to your day.
Colton and Tia dated once, but only ever smooched according to Tia, and they never defined what they were anyway. Becca is concerned for obvious reasons (reasons she should give him the boot, because he's straight up the biggest red flag of the show), and even brought Tia -- and other close friends, including one that refused to put orange juice in her champagne like the rest of them (talk about red flags, right?) -- to help her grill the men on the first group date as the dudes pampered the ladies.
It was awkward for everyone all around because of the elephant in the room. At one point, though, Tia mentions something about being shocked of the odds of Colton actually making it on the show, because he told her he had applied, and we're sitting here thinking: 100 percent. His odds were 100 percent because that's absolutely obvious. Because of his history with you and your friendship with Becca, there was no way he wouldn't be on the show. It's a love triangle, and ratings matter. Who doesn't love a love triangle?
Luckily for Colton, it seems like it all got put behind them as Becca not only kissed the hell out of his mouth, but she gave him a group date rose, automatically advancing him. We're pretty sure the show's not done bringing it up, though, because it's a goldmine, but they'll probably cool the jets on it for a while and focus on some of the other men in the house and the drama they might have lurking for her too.
So who do we like? Well, there's what's-his-name, you know, the guy that looks like Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia) from "Heroes." We're making a joke, because Becca also forgot his name on the show, and we like that he took it in stride. He also boldly kissed her, which felt like at first red flag, but the advice he gave Colton wasn't bad. We're on the fence. His name is Jason, by the way.
We also like Wills, because even though he didn't get a lot of dialogue or screen time, he was losing it with Jason while Jordan was giving his male model spiel.
Oh yeah -- Chris. Chris got this episode's one-on-one date with Becca, where they went to Capitol Records to write lyrics to their own love song. It was nice to see having to get vulnerable have such an impact on one of the guys in the house, and to have it lead to him opening up to Becca about his childhood, but for a split second we were worried that his fixation on his past was going to sink him.
Turns out, Becca liked the honesty and gave him a rose.
So, if you're counting, Becca gave roses to:
Colton (Why though?)
Chris (OK, we kinda get this.)
Clay (Was it because he got injured? Ugh.)
We don't want to get into conspiracies here, because we like to save that for our "Westworld" coverage, but we need to point out that all of the roses went to men with names that start with C.
Think about it. Let us know if that has meaning to you.
In the meantime, we'll see you back here next week for more of "The Bachelorette!"
"The Bachelorette" airs Monday nights at 8 p.m. on ABC.