"The people that you're rewarding right now are trash," says one employee after Lohan's confusing cuts.
We did it, we actually made it through the first season of "Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club" alive. Are you exhausted, too?
The show began with a group of bright-eyed Americans showing up in Greece excited about the chance to work for the "Mean Girls" star. Their excitement gave way to confusion as the season went on, as the job description for "Ambassador" was never really made clear and the house drama began to interfere with their professional lives.
Throw in some wonky continuity, the sight of Lindsay freeing a seemingly dead lobster and visits from random people like Nico Tortorella and the cast of "Geordie Shore," this has been one helluva season.
While Lindsay repeatedly said the show was not a competition, it turned out to be just that -- as she and Panos revealed just a few episodes back that this was all an "audition" to work with them again in the future. Tonight, she made her final cuts.
Tonight's finale picked up right where the previous episode left off: Panos telling Mike he's been fired on the very last day of work. Why? For stripping off his shorts in the middle of the crowded day club.
In a confessional, Lohan called it "inappropriate" and "unacceptable," while his coworkers all defended him by saying he was just making the VIP clients happy. In the past, other Ambassadors were all but pimped out to other important guests, so why is this any different?
"He put crackers in his butt, like, who does that?" Panos said, defending the decision with a very solid point. "This is stupid, this is where I cross the limit. Last minute you destroyed everything. Go pack your stuff, don't forget your pants though."
Everyone was bummed, except Brent, who called them all "losers" for the way they were reacting.
But Mike wouldn't be the last one to be fired on literally the last day they were there.
There was whole bro-y reason for Kyle getting frustrated with Brent that we really don't want to get into here, but it basically boiled down to Brent always acting like the "top dog." Things escalated when Brent called Kyle a "bitch" on the van back to their home, before Kyle straight up choked him when they got out of the vehicle.
Security pulled them apart, before Lindsay showed up at the house. Anyone who's been watching knows that's never a good sign. She watched the footage of the attack on a producer's phone -- calling it "jarring and upsetting" -- before then checking in on Brent.
Brent downplayed their antagonizing interactions, but Lohan told him he "f--ked up" and once again dropped her favorite sentiment: "At the end of the day, no matter what you guys do here, it's my name." In case you missed it the first 700 times she said it, the Lohan brand is very important to Lindsay.
"Cut the shit out, get ready, dress nice, put on a shirt for Christ's sake," she then told him, before specifying, "A button up."
She then called Kyle a "coward" for striking Brent, admonished him for "taking the bait" and saying, "No one can lay a hand on someone else" before firing him with a smile on her face. It's worth mentioning Jonitta hit Gabi earlier this season and got another chance.
With that out of the way, it was then time to fire four more people at dinner. Yes, after already firing two people ... on the last day ... Lindsay and Panos made all of their final cuts that same night. Why not just save some film and do it all at once?
Of May, Gabi, Billy, Sara, Jonitta, Brent, Ari and Alex, only five of them were invited to keep working for the Lohan brand. The envelopes were awkwardly handed out by Lindsay and Panos to the Ambassadors as they danced on a table in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
The first two went to Jonitta and Gabi, who Lohan applauded for changing after she gave them advice following their fight. Billy got the third one, before Lindsay pulled a "Mean Girls"-break-the-tiara move by splitting the final envelope between Ari and Brent. Yes, that Brent, the one who's been a garbage person all season long.
Panos explained Brent is simply good for business, before Lindsay laid out why they kept Aristotle around: "He has social anxiety, but he's gorgeous and takes direction. And he's half Greek. Enough said."
In a confessional, Lohan said May didn't make the cut because she requires too much babysitting, while Lindsay rejected Sara because "she gave her power away to men and I wouldn't where I am today if I did that." As for Alex, she just "kind of stopped seeing him."
Alex reacted to the news by saying, "The people that you're rewarding right now are trash," before Sara started flipping off the cameras and exclaiming, "F--k this, like, I'm done, like f--k." Her ex, Brent, however, was thrilled she didn't make the cut.
The episode ended with Lohan teasing a return "next summer" and joking she'd get Brent a "chastity belt," before we saw more of her patented dance moves.
Somewhere in Greece, she's probably still twirling around in circles, awaiting word on Season 2.