Woman Not Sure What to Do After Cop Ex Cheats on Her, Then Puts Her Down as a Reference

The OP (a.k.a "original poster") shared her story to Reddit's Relationship Advice forum, saying that she received a call from the state police department asking about potentially interviewing her about her ex-boyfriend's "character," as he had put her down as a reference.

The woman said her relationship with the cop ended after he cheated on her with a woman he was "actively training," and asked Redditors if she should reveal the truth to the department or ignore it and move on.

Read on to see what went down and how Redditors reacted.

OP explained the situation, saying she's a 27-year-old, who "got a call from state police calling me to be reference" for her ex-boyfriend, also 27, "who cheated on me with an officer he was training."

"Do I silently give no reference by never allowing them to get in contact with me or do I tell them the truth?" she asked.

The woman explained that she had been friends with the man for six years, including two years in which they were housemates, before they then dated for a year in a half. She said he was a cop in a "smaller 'city' department" at the time.

She added that her relationship with the man "ended because I found messages of him pursuing a woman who he was actively training 1-1 to potentially be apart of their police department (he also had say on if she was qualified enough to enter the dept- so a position of some superiority)."

OP also claimed that she found text messages he sent to friends, in which they called her "slurs," although they did not have "any active tension in the relationship."

"It is my speculation that this may have been to set himself up to not look as outwardly like the 'bad guy' as I was completely blind sided by this, considering we had a very long standing relationship without much resistance throughout its entirety - so I could not even begin to justify it as frustration or emotionally charged words against me," she wrote.

OP said her ex "must have recently applied for a state police position and put me down as a former girlfriend, for which the dept just called me yesterday to interview me on his character."

"Despite him not having the most outrageous red flags like any form of physical abuse, he was at a major lack of integrity throughout the entirety of the relationship, and displayed a number of manipulation tactics even following actual proof of his relations with this girl," she added, before proposing her question to the forum.

"1- do I follow up this call with telling them we broke up as a result of him having relations with an officer he was training?" she asked. "And 2- how much does this impact his ability to get the job? Lastly 3- what impact would it have if I just never answer?(which is what I’m currently leaning towards)."

"I don't have a vengeance out for this guy, it has been well over 1.5 years since the incident and so I am very emotionally removed, but I also don’t want to have him think I would protect him or his reputation ever, as I never even got a mere apology for all of these happenings," OP wrote. "What's everybody’s thought?"

The majority of Redditors appeared to urge OP to respond to the police department's inquiry, and tell them about her ex-boyfriend's relationship with the woman he was training.

"Dude...tell them. We have enough sh--ty cops out there. You have the power to prevent another," a user wrote in a popular comment, to which another replied, "This is like a Smoky the bear service announcement: 'Only you can prevent s--ty cops' 🐻🫵🏾😂."

"If it were me I would let them know that he had a romantic relationship with someone he was training. Ideally people like that shouldn't be cops," another Redditor suggested.

OP went on to share more details in a series of replies to Redditors, saying that her ex-boyfriend is still in a relationship with the woman he cheated on her with and trained.

"Former PO and trainer here. Absolutely report his romantic relationship with his trainee. That is a huge integrity issue. Who knows what he may do in the future if given access to more female recruits. Did his old job ever find out?" a user asked, adding, "Sorry you went through that, OP."

The woman replied, giving more information on her ex and his relationship -- at least regarding what she knows.

"So it's interesting because as soon as I found out about it I cut all ties, so I am unaware of the exact dynamics to follow. What I am aware of (per other officers girlfriends from the same department) is that they are fully in a romantic relationship now at current," she wrote. "So, considering they both work for the same department and are openly in a relationship, I assume that this previous job definitely knows but I am not sure anybody knows any specific details. 🤷🏼‍♀️."

The Redditor responded, telling OP that her ex's relationship with his trainee "could have been hush hush in the beginning or the people in charge don't care unless someone files serial harassment complaint or sues."

"It is still a big deal. Absolutely report it," the user added, before suggesting that OP "try to be as neutral about giving the news and don't put any spin on it. Present what evidence you have about the affair while the rookie was in training and leave it at that."

"Again, sorry your ex was a d--khead," they added.

Another user shared a similar sentiment, telling OP that she needs to "tell them the truth in an unemotional state."

"Write down what he did, i.e.: 1. While in a position of power, he had an affair with his trainee. 2. His word determined if the trainee received the job. 3. You found messages to his friends slandering you. 4. He tried gaslighting you, lying, manipulating the events after you discovered the affair and slandering."

"You can't in all good conscious give him a good character reference," the Redditor continued,  adding, "Don't cuss, don't exaggerate. Be stone cold, straight forward with your words and tone. I suspect he gave you as a reference because he figured you would be too afraid to tell the truth."

OP replied to the commenter, writing, "Your last bit there definitely resonates with me - I had considered that as his thought as well."

Meanwhile, another Redditor expressed a somewhat different take on the situation.

"All they want to know is whether he hit you, pulled a gun on you or did any illegal drugs while in your company. No LE agency is going to care that he called you names and wasn't a dream boyfriend," they wrote. "Cops have astronomically high divorce rates so it's basically understood that maybe they don't make the best partners. There's a difference between things that are illegal and things that are just immoral."

OP responded, telling the user that she "completely agree[s] with this sentiment."

"I suppose the thing that differentiates this is that he was cheating with a woman he was training and had say on if she would pass requirements to make it into the department or not," she replied, admitting, "This thought process is why I was also just contemplating not answering."

What do you think?