Billie Lourd Reveals How She Told 5-Year-Old Son About Mom Carrie Fisher's Death

On what would have been the Star Wars icon's 63rd birthday -- she died on Dec. 16, 2016 at the age of 60 -- Lourd, 33, took to social media and shared a festive black-and-white photo of herself as a kid alongside Fisher and her late grandmother, Hollywood legend Debbie Reynolds, who died two years after Fisher at the age of 84.

Accompanying the photo is an incredibly vulnerable (and lengthy) caption, where she lays bare her complicated feelings about grief.

"My mom would've been 69 years old today. Which still feels shockingly young because this is the 9th birthday of hers I've 'celebrated' without her," the Scream Queens star wrote in the caption. "It feels like she has been dead so long that she should be 100 at this point? It feels more okay for a 100 year old person to be dead? But not a 69 year old."

She continued: "Every time I meet someone older than her I’m secretly jealous. Why couldn’t she have lived as long as they have? Anyone out there who has lost a loved one too young can maybe relate? So I can’t really call it a wholly happy birthday cause she isn’t here to enjoy the happy. She never got to meet her grandchildren and see them grow into the magical smart hilarious kind creatures they are today."

Prior to her death, it was widely known that Fisher battled with substance abuse throughout her life, which makes the explanation of how she died a touchy topic when it comes to Lourd’s two kids: son Kingston Fisher Lourd Rydell, 5, and daughter Jackson Joanne Lourd Rydell, 2. But it seems Lourd finally ripped the Band-Aid off and told her son a fraction of the truth about his grandmother's death. 

"The other night my son asked me how she died — I told him that she didn’t take care of her body — telling him the truth without telling him the whole truth," she shared. "Oh but I take care of my body!" she says her son replied. "Yes I replied, ‘Yes you do! And I do too and daddy does too!’ Death isn’t looming at our doorsteps the way it always was for her. That’s a conversation for later years. He didn’t push me for more answers so we left it at that. But it broke my heart."

Fisher suffered a heart attack during a flight from London to Los Angeles, but L.A. County coroners later determined that she died from complications related to sleep apnea. The coroner’s report also listed drug use under "other conditions" leading to her death, but they could not determine if those drugs were significant enough to trigger the heart attack, according to TMZ. 

Explaining the truth to her son clearly stirred a mix of emotions for Lourd. While she admits that's there still some pent-up anger, she’s still celebrating her mother in a positive light.   

"[It] made me mad at her," she continued. "It's weird being mad at a dead person because you don't really have anywhere to put the emotion. But it’s still there and I’ve had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things — mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn't able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all. So I allowed myself to be mad for a moment but then realized I also do want her birthday to have some happy in it. Especially for my kids."

"She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that," Lourd continued. "So despite the many emotions I have on these days I try to celebrate the good parts. I'll tell my kids funny stories about her, watch one of her movies, eat one of her favorite foods, have a Coke with a s--t ton of ice. Grief is a weird soup of feelings and there are a lot of ingredients in it that are hard to swallow, but ultimately I think the soup has made me healthier — more cognizant of how short life is and more appreciative of all the happy in my life."

Lourd, who exceeded her Instagram character limit, "cause I talk too much?”, concluded her post in the comments section:

"And for that I am grateful — or griefull if you will. Sending my love to anyone out there having to eat the multifaceted soup that is grief. It’s not always the tastiest but it might make you a stronger healthier human? Happy birthday momby. I miss you and love you more than you could ever know. ❤️"

This isn't the first time Lourd has gotten emotional on her mother's birthday. Last year, she expressed her complicated feelings in a very similar Instagram post on the same monumental day.