Somebody needs to call a roofer and a plumber to the White House because there are leaks everywhere, and late-night hosts are holding their buckets out to collect material for their monologues.
Most recently, someone in President Trump's administration leaked that White House aide Kelly Sadler made a tasteless joke about Senator John McCain "dying," Sarah Huckabee Sanders called a staff meeting to try and lock it down. Trump took the leakers to task on Twitter by both denying their existence, suggesting it was a product of the "Fake News Media," while at the same time calling them "traitors and cowards" and vowing to "find out who they are!" And this was all in one contradictory tweet.
The so-called leaks coming out of the White House are a massive over exaggeration put out by the Fake News Media in order to make us look as bad as possible. With that being said, leakers are traitors and cowards, and we will find out who they are!
While talking about Sarah Huckabee Sanders leaked meeting about the leakers, the CBS star presented a way to make all these leaks more palatable for the White House. "If you're so sure it's going to leak maybe leak something nice," he suggested to Sanders. "We are instituting a casual Friday policy all summer and I brought bagels for everybody, gee I hope it doesn't leak what a fun, nice boss I am."
Colbert went on to add, "This White House is so leaky there are even leaks about why they're leaking," before looking at a statement from one leaker saying that there are two likely reasons for the leaks: personal vendettas, and to offer an accurate record of what's going on in the White House.
"There's already an accurate record of what's going on in the White House. It's called 'Boss Baby,'" Colbert joked. "It's either that or 'American Horror Story.' I forgot which one was a documentary."
He then took a poke at Trump's contradictory tweet saying the leakers are "Fake News" and that he would find them. So, Trump says the White House isn't full of leakers which is why he's going to hunt them down," Colbert noted, slipping into his Trump impression to add, "I just found out there's no Easter Bunny and I'm going to waterboard him until he admits he doesn't exist."
Corden also delighted at the contradictory nature of Trump's tweet. "All in one tweet, Trump said the leaks are fake but he will find out who is doing the leaking," Corden marveled. "That's like saying Santa Claus isn't real, but also I'm gonna wait by my fireplace and catch him."
He then realized he felt sorry for the people working in the Trump administration, with the president calling them "traitors and cowards."
"Trump's not talking about foreign spies, he's talking about his own co-workers," Corden said. "Imagine your boss at work being like, 'Okay, who's the traitor and coward who jammed the photocopier?'"
"The Daily Show with Trevor Noah"
"So if I understand this correctly, Trump says there is no problem and the people responsible for that problem he will personally disembowel," Noah pondered on his Comedy Central show while trying to decipher Trump's tweet. "Is that what that means?"
"You can't say there's no problem and also that you're solving the problem," Noah added. "Everything works perfectly down there. Then why are you pumping Viagra. I just like the taste. Mmm, minty."
And while he was certainly enjoying the fruits of the leakers' labors, Noah did not how problematic this is for the White House. "So now the leakers are leaking leaks about a meeting about what leaked. Part of me feels bad for the White House. If you can't even tell people to stop leaking without them immediately leaking it you're screwed."
Fallon shared the good news that there is an end in sight for the terrible White House leaks. "After several White House leaks in the past few weeks, President Trump says he's going to find out who the leakers are," he shared with his audience. "He says he's got a plan. He's going to wait for someone to leak who the leakers are."
He then poked fun at the president wishing people of the Islamic faith well for Ramadan. "I love Ramadan. I love the noodles. I lived off it in college. How can they be only 25 cents?" he marveled in the best Trump impression on late-night TV.
"Late Night with Seth Meyers"
Meyers slipped into his own Trump impression to mock Trump's Ramadan wishes as well, but he went a different way with it, saying, "Personally I would never stay there because I have my own hotels."
He then touched on the ongoing leak scandal, noting the president's tweet where he vowed to hunt down these leaking "traitors and cowards."
"Added Trump, 'And I'll find you if it's the first thing I do,'" Meyers joked.