When Tiffany Haddish showed up to Jada Pinkett Smith's house and presented her with a Target cooler full of Tuscan kale, we just knew today's "Red Table Talk" would be unlike any so far.
The "Girls Trip" co-stars sat down together for a wide-ranging conversation in Monday's episode of Smith's Facebook talk show, where the two touched on everything from Haddish's rough past to interactions with Drake and Beyonce that she'll never forget. And, after hearing them, neither will you!
Keep reading for the 5 best moments from their little chit chat.
Haddish briefly touched on her love life, or lack thereof.
"I love me a lot. I'm very busy. I would like to date. I really don't have a lot of time for it, but when somebody asks me out on a date that I'm interested in hanging out with, I will clear the schedule, I will make some time," she explained.
One person she cleared everything for: Drake, who she started communicating with after he asked her to be in his music video for "Nice for What."
"He's like, 'let me take you to dinner,'" she expalined. "I was like shoot, I'm gonna get my mustache waxed, get my armpits waxed. Got me a nice little dress." But when came time for the date, be canceled at the last minute due to a "family emergency."
"I was like okay, I could have made $100,000 today, but I was trying to see what that D do."
Speaking of D ... during their discussion, Smith brought up a "special book" Haddish told her about while they filmed "Girls Trip" together.
"My dick pic book!" Haddish exclaimed. "I was doing research, because I'm a scientist. I'm a penialtologist. When I was younger, anytime I would go on a date, I would ask a guy if I could see his penis and then I would pull out my disposable camera and ask can I take a picture of your penis."
"I'm like, I don't want your face or anything, I just want to remember your penis," she continued. "They'd be holding it in their hands and from their hands you can see, dirty nails, dirty dick. The tip of their penis matched the tip of their fingernails."
Smith went on to call their penile conversations "fascinating," as Haddish joked, "It's never about the feet, check them hands. [If] his hands always dry and ashy, his dick probably ashy too!"
Retelling the infamous Beyonce biter story, Haddish took a moment to praise Knowles for how she handled the entire situation.
First, Tiffany said the best part of being successful was having Bey saying her name in a song. "I made it, this is it, I'm a celebrity now," she exclaimed.
Then, she thanked the singer for stopping her from confronting the woman who bit her in the face. "She protected me. I could have for sure went to jail," she said. "I wanted her to know that I consider her a hero. I was going into my hood mentality."
Before her big break in "Girls Trip," Haddish worked the standup comedy clubs in Hollywood. She explained that there's "definitely a lot of sexual harassment in comedy because comedians are perverts."
"I always handled it well though, I always turned it around on them. What a man can't handle is an aggressive woman," she continued. "That scares the f--k out of them. I figured it out early. First they'd be pushing up on me like, 'If you want 5 minutes of stage time you gonna have to give me five minutes. What you gonna do for it?' I'm like, 'I'm not going up my body for no damn stage time.' You gonna make money off me and I'm gonna give up my pussy? Nope!"
Her advice: "Get aggressive right back. They try to snatch your light man, you can't let them have your light."
Haddish was put into foster care after an accident left her mother with brain damage. "She became very abusive, violent and never came back to being my mom," she explained, saying she entered the system when she was 13.
The actress noted that some of her earliest positive reinforcement came from her own social worker, who "really noticed I had something" and got her into comedy camp. "I thought I was ugly too. My social worker was like, you beautiful. I was like, you probably say that to all the foster kids so they don't run away."
Thanks to her recent success, Haddish explained that she got her mother out of a mental institution back in December and hooked her up with the "best doctors" and an apartment in Inglewood.
"The other day, she was at my house. That was the first time she said she's proud," Haddish continued, tearing up. "It took everything in my heart not to just break down and cry. I went to the backroom, turned on the shower, jumped in that motherf--ker and [mocks sobbing]."
Waiting for your permission to load the Facebook Video.