As Colbert seemed exhausted by another day of the president just "trumping it Trumpily" again, Stewart popped his head up from under his desk, telling him to "relax for a bit" while he took on POTUS instead. "Which camera's the one that goes to the president?" he asked, before looking straight at it.
Though Donald has recently taken aim at a few current late-night hosts, Stewart first brought up his own Twitter war with 45. "Hello, Donald," he began, "it's me, the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish on Twitter."
He then joked it felt like Trump's presidency is going "into its 500th year," before explaining how it seems as if "everything's of its axis" with him in charge.
"Apparently, Putin and Kim Jong Un are noble, intelligent role models, and Canada's a bunch of giant a--holes," he continued. "If there's one hallmark to your presidency that I think we're finding most difficult, it's that, no matter what you do, it always comes with an extra layer of gleeful cruelty and dickishness."
"It's not just that you don't want people taking a knee, it's that they're sons of bitches if they do. It's not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault, it's saying they were too ugly anyway," he went on. "You can't just be against the media, they're 'enemies of the people.' It's not even partisan. Anyone in your party dares speak against you, they must be humiliated. Even if they have a terminal disease."
"Which brings us to immigration, boy you f--ked that up," said Stewart, who then compared POTUS' policies to those of Conan the Barbarian and saying his decisions come with "a Dickensian level of villainy."
"You casually separated people seeking asylum from their children, from babies," he continued. "It made me realize something, you may be orange, you may like hamburgers, you may be a clown, but you are no Ronald McDonald."
Attempting to negotiate an "end to this gratuitous dickishness," Stewart offered up "a giant building with gold toilets," "a whole news network that spends 24 hours a day praising everything you do" and a volcano on Hawaii to destroy Obama's homeland. Colbert popped up each time to remind his buddy that Trump already has all these things.
"Clearly, we're not going to be able to negotiate or shame you into decency, but there is one place where I draw the line: I won't allow you and your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue," he added, before showing a montage of talking heads doing just that.
But Stewart refused to play that game. "What Donald Trump wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right," he said. "And this we cannot do. And I say, by not yielding, we will prevail!"
He ended his speech by adding, "Unless, of course, the Democratic leaders continues to be a bunch of feckless..." with Colbert cutting him off before he could drop the dreaded C-word.