Can we be real with you? We don't even remember what happened last week. Good thing there's a recap at the beginning of each episode!
Here's the recap of the recap we just watched:
Okay so... Jordan blew it with Jenna. Some French guy showed up. Leo turned out to be a f--king villain and totally ruined how we felt about him during "The Bachelorette." And we refuse to cover Colton and Tia anymore until one of them is taken into the sea by a hoard of crabs.
Someone pointed out that going into this week means the show is half over. We're over the hill! The end is in sight!
Though, that means the producers are about to pull some real bullshit to keep everyone watching. Let's find out!
Jordan Thinks He Still Has a Shot
Last week, Benoit showed up with his French accent and swiftly stole Jenna away from Jordan while she wasn't happy with him for how he handled David's giant stuffed dog and then conducted himself and his rage with the other women in the house.
After Benoit and Jenna's date, she came home to a massive apology in the sand from Jordan, who spilled his heart out to her. Fast-forward to this episode.
Despite Benoit and Jenna being on a daybed together slamming their mouths on each others faces, Jordan was upstairs and unaware while making a speech to Joe about how he's in a good spot with her. All he needed to do was prove to her that he's sorry and that he's the right one for her.
That's when he noticed them food hole-ing each other down on the beach.
Once again Jordan lost his shit and, in confessional, started putting Benoit's Frisbee skills on blast (because Benoit and Jenna stopped making out long enough to go play Frisbee).
Krystal and Chris Are 'Aliens' That Deserve Each Other
Astrid happened to spot Krystal and Chris (not Harrison) spooning out on the beach, and she decided to describe them perfectly to us at home: two people unlike each other that are somehow working out. She then pushed the description further, and into a territory that doesn't make much sense anymore: they're "aliens" from "two different planets," but they're actually "from the same planet, so it just...works." This is an actual quote from an actual show with an actual budget on major television.
After that, Krystal made sure that Chris wanted to get married (not, like, to her, but just in general). He said he did. And then Chris said they're the strongest couple in Paradise, and we're like, come on man you call yourself "Goose."
Anyway, that's the cue to have the producers script some harrowing shit for the "strongest" couple of the show.
Connor waltzed up to the compound and already had his sights set on Krystal for some reason (the producers). So Chris (Harrison!) gave him a date card on his way in to seal the deal that we're all terrible people for watching this show for entertainment.
Upon seeing him, Krystal immediately says to the camera that Connor is her type through and through.
Connor pulled Krystal aside and decided that he was just going to tell her he came to Paradise for her specifically -- but she told him the same thing BEFORE HE COULD. And then something crazy happened: she shut Connor down.
We suppose she liked Chris (not Harrison, but maybe him too, we don't know) for real! She even went and told him she turned Connor down.
But wait! Connor wasn't about to give up, though, so he pulled Crystal again later and officially asked her on the date -- because he was only in Paradise to see her, too. She hesitated, but said that as long as he knows where she is, and that she's being really transparent, she'd love to go on the date with him.
Like, what? Okay. We guess she snatched up Chris while he was with someone else, so it's only fair to Chris that she get snatched up under the same circumstances, right?
Chris did not take it well, of course, but he didn't stand in her way of going on the date.
The 'Mystical' Date
Connor and Krystal headed into the Playa De Los Muertos for their "mystical" date (according to the date card), which means, you guessed it: they smoked a whole ton of peyote together.
Just kidding! This show would've immediately become our favorite show of the year if they did that.
Instead, they sat in a hole in the sand and had a prayer created for them by some mystical folks. They were warned "not to be scared," but that's not really a concern when the show is vetted by producers at every level.
We guess it ended up being romantic somehow, because when they got out of the hole Connor howled like a wolf and threw his tongue like a dart into Krystal's mouth dart board.
Jordan pulled Jenna aside and put his heart out there again, and said that he was scared to never find someone like her again. He said he wasn't sure if "love at first sight" was real, but what he felt was as close as possible.
Then they mouth-plowed, so we suppose it worked -- at least in the moment.
So she went to tell Benoit to f--k off, but he asked how she was feeling before she got the chance. She led off with, "Confused." Then instead of telling him about Jordan, she kissed up on him, too!
She stopped herself, though, and said she was done kissing ANYONE until she figured it out. Benoit ignored this and went back in for more kissing. She accepted it, but it was not cool. Benoit, come on. Adhere to someone's decision like that.
Unfortunately for Jordan, he saw them kissing. So, furious, he later approached Benoit to talk because her actions weren't matching up with her words, but Benoit wasn't having it because he thought Jordan was acting like a little kid about it.
Yeah, well, maybe, but what would he do in that situation if it was flipped?
Everyone is awful to each other, all the time, on this show.
Kenny Tells Annaliese Some News
Poor Annaliese seems like she'll never find love, but we feel like she's the one woman in the compound who deserves it the most.
Kenny, despite how close he was getting to her, said that he was struggling with being away from a big moment in his daughter's life, so he had to leave.
Waiting up for Krystal and Connor to come home was Chris, of course, and no we don't mean Harrison. After an awkward round of asking Krystal to talk to him, and Connor thinking he was invited too, Chris finally got to hear about Krystal's date.
Point blank, he asked her if anything changed between them, and Krystal said they should talk tomorrow and go to bed.
Jubilee Goes Home
John did the most exciting thing he's done all season: he was open and honest and told Jubilee that he didn't think they were right for each other. Interestingly enough, it was given very little screen time and was actually narrated by Chelsea after a commercial break.
But then again, maybe they heard us say how boring things were when they involved John. He seems like a nice enough dude, don't get us wrong, but we're glad we got the shortcut here.
Kamil Shows Up
Kamil was on the last season of the "Bachelorette." He's the one who made that tasteless 50/50 joke in the beginning. Anyway, now he's in Paradise and there are like a bajillion dudes going home this week.
But first, we need to clarify something. You know when the show labels the people with their name and occupation in the confessional sessions?
Kamil is 30 and a -- and we're not joking here -- "Ex Social Media Participant."
So he showed up with a date card and Annaliese looked so happy. He pulled her aside and she seemed really excited, but Kamil... Kamil does not have a way with words. He fumbled over every single thing he said! Was he nervous? What was the deal?
Kamil then pulled a bunch of ladies to chat, not just Annaliese, as a ruse because he asked Annaliese on the date in the end anyway. Good for her!
Annaliese and Kamil hopped in a UTV and went wild offroading, until they found a private waterfall and what we assume is a lagoon? We're not really sure what defines a "lagoon."
After swimming, they had a chat and made a connection, so they played "kiss each other" and both won.
Chelsea Is Real Sad
Nobody is choosing Chelsea so she is sad and doesn't really want to be there anymore.
Kevin Shoots Himself in the Foot
The Canadian fireman sat Astrid down, who has had a great connection with him, and tried to explain he wished she would go on dates with other guys or something. It was really weird, but he tried to justify it as he wished she had the opportunity to see what it was like with other men but still choose him anyway.
Smartly, she walked away from the conversation. He straight-up made her cry with his dumb words.
Luckily, Kevin found her and expanded on his insecurities. They came from the fact that he'd been in this situation before, that everything had been amazing that time too, and he got engaged (on Canada's "Bachelorette"), but once they got into the real world, it all fell apart. He said that he's scared it's going to happen again.
Anyway, they're fine now.
Jordan Tells Jenna He's Falling for Her
Jordan pulled Jenna aside again to tell her how he feels, and that he could fall in love with her in "a matter of days." We can't tell if she was feeling awkward or conflicted, but Jenna didn't exactly respond in kind.
That is, until she told us (the captivated audience) that even though Jordan scares her, her heart wants to choose him -- and that she needed to cut Benoit loose and feed him to some hungry-ass dolphins.
Benoit was sad, but took it fine, because he's an adult -- just kidding, he threw a football into the ocean a few times out of anger. If you're wondering, he absolutely was on the verge of awakening the kracken, but quit before it happened.
Finally, Leo got called out for being a jerk last week and stealing Kendall away from Joe just to go and kiss Chelsea. Everybody knew about it except Kendall, and it was Kevin who straight-up told her during a conversation.
She was shocked. So she approached Leo about it.
He tried to justify it! First he said he thought she knew what "hung out" meant. Then he said it wasn't making out, it was a "peck." And then he said he didn't tell her because he felt guilty after having such a beautiful day together.
Right, so beautiful that he went and mouth-boinked another lady. Luckily, she told him she didn't believe him, and now there's distrust.
This pissed him off. Not that she was upset and that he hurt her, but that someone ratted him out. He said that kissing was a "handshake" in paradise, and we basically watched him turn into a half-Hulk, half-Fabio creature. He jumped in the pool and started accusing everyone, in a passive-aggressive way, of tattling on him. It was absurd and immature.
Kevin decided the best thing to do would be to tell Leo that it was him who spilled the beans and, yes, they got into a heated argument. Kevin, of course, was right the entire time and Leo just looked like a monster. They ended up parting ways, just generally unhappy with each other.
[This article is so long and about such stupid things, and we're so sorry, but we are being paid to do this and we'll be damned if we don't see it to the end.]
Leo -- who earlier this month was accused of sexual harrassment -- decided he needed to talk to Kendall again, where he blamed her for ruining his day, that it was unfair to him, and that she made him feel horrible for kissing Chelsea -- and that it was all because of someone's lies. Kendall was like, hold up, were they lying? And, we aren't kidding here, he said:
"Yes! They're not lying about me kissing Chelsea, but they're lying about me... in... every other way! What does it matter? What matters is what WE felt!"
She should have gotten up and left right then, found her way to the conch shell under the "break in case of emergencies" glass in the center of the compound, blown it with all her might and awoken Cthulu (look it up, this joke is amazing) from the depths to ruin the world.
But she didn't do any of that, she rode it out until he called her a "liar" and an "actress," and accused her of faking all her feelings. She definitely didn't need rescuing -- she was holding her own and shutting down his garbage, but we're glad that Joe walked up anyway.